Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[demonblaster]

July and everyone hi ☺

Hey darl good to see you.

It's cruel what pain you're all enduring.

Not just saying this I think about you at times and was just a couple of days ago and voila. Sounds like the 6th sense kicking in.

I read todays post which sounds like a small window of hope July. I imagine you have many mixed emotions 🤗 ( if you're a hugger) poor lady.

My hearts always wrenched for you in this nightmare sad situation and as you mentioned in a previous post for others that are going through it too.

Something I'd like to mention before I say it I do understand what you're saying that your son is the one that can help himself. Because he needs to put it into action and want to

I've heard and experienced under different circumstances on occasions when people are deep in it and off the rails the closest most loved people are the only ones that can get through to the person.

Because you're an amazing Mum standing by your son like you have I believe you'd be one or the one that can get through to him.

Something you say one day could catch him in a particular frame of mind that hits deep and can give him a spark of light

Having your unwavering deep love dedication and standing by him, in times he's vulnerable and his shield comes down even for a moment I think he'd feel and know that power of love.

I think hope is what we do have and need to believe and hold onto.

Not meaning to be offensive it does sound manipulative although I guess possibly true too that he has nowhere to stay on parole which I'm hoping gives you a slight edge.

Throughout this entire ordeal you've shown amazing strength love courage maturity and wisdom lovey.
Very wise the long letter and the plus in writing is theres time to think about what you want to say. Good on you.

He needs the boundaries and to know without a doubt they'll be be adhered to.
Any softening he'll use to his advantage which you'd know about.
Strict will I dearly hope July keep him in line.

What may be an edge for you is prison isn't where most want to be.
If he knows this is firmly his last chance which I imagine you've touched on we're with you in hope ☺🤞

I imagine you wouldn't feel it but you've shown incredible strength and stamina.
Hoping very much you've been getting help and care for yourself and that your families holding together well.

Much concern and care ☺

🌱

[July]

Hello,

Thankyou for your heartfelt words and wisdom, this is why I came back here.... to learn ,reflect on my decisions and to seek advice from others. I do feel that if I let go of him there would be no one else , so I stand at a distance but with my love close by ...for him to reach out to should he need me , and I have no doubt he loves me but he is an addict, and for that I am painfully aware his recovery must start with himself. I to, have heard that in the depths of despair these addicts were grateful their parents never gave up on them, I am praying that I will be one of those parents who gets to hear those words from my son one day. In his sober times such as now I hope he thinks about his future and what is truly important to him, but I know that demon is sitting on his shoulder waiting to convince him to go back to hell. Which is where I am at the moment, playing the waiting game. I am so glad I reached out again , I can express my feelings and not be judged and to feel that there is other people who truly care about others.

July

[demonblaster]

Hi July and everyone 👋

Thanks for that hun ☺
I'm pleased too you've come back.
Talking can be very therapeutic and with luck writing it out can shed even the tiniest bit of pain and I'd love to think it might give you more of an outside look for ways and coping strategies from proof reading etc.

And you've been in hell way too long hun not that any amount of times ok.
You know people say I can't imagine how it would be for them.
I can which wouldn't touch what you're going through 💔
Truly my heart goes out to you and others.

The demon of addictions a very strong determined one indeed but not unbreakable thankfully.

Gamblings my demon darl (off again) which is worlds apart but bottom line an addiction demon.

The longer I was away from you could say drug too (has the same symptoms) the easier it is to be free of and as you mentioned look ahead and importantly behind to take in the damage and never forget.

What I'm hopeful for is he's been sober for long enough to be aware of the havoc it's caused not only for himself but you family and his life which might give him enough spur to push on. He's had a reasonably lengthy time inside always watching his backs no life.

I'm glad you know he loves you and your understanding of addictions excellent.

Standing at a safe distance, again very wise. You really do need to keep some space for your own protection mentally.

When you talk to him the depth and power of your love in everything you say would come from the heart. That's why at some point July I'm hopeful too he pulls through

Are you in a position darl that you can get exercise? Pretty much the last thing we want to do in hell. The great benefit is it helps with stress release and gives the mind a new or different focus for periods of time.
Or I hope you're at least sometimes able to do a hobby or have pleasure of some kind.
A balance or even slightly tipping the scales in your favor is a huge plus for your mh.

You really do have the courage of a lion and the love of one too.

Hope and care lovey ☺

🌱 new beginnings

[July]

Hello, yes funny you should say I have the courage of a lion ...as cats are my favourite animal, and I also have that fierce love for my kids like a mother lion,again spot on.

I guess I have doubts about his ability to get better as he did 22 months in prison last time and has now been in about 9 months and won't get out till april next year, so he was sober for about near on 3 years , so why go back to that lifestyle ?? that I will never understand . The first time he got released and I picked him up from prison , I said please don't go back to that , and he said "never again " well that was short lived. So my fears are well founded where he is concerned.

This time I have been more mindful of my own needs , this is why I cannot take him on parole again, part of me feels selfish and guilty and part of me says... if I do take him I will lose control of my own mental health , which does not help me or my other 3 kids .

My work has certainly helped , I'm a frontline worker in a major hospital and have worked all through the pandemic, at work I can forget my own problems and just be useful .

Its funny actually the other evening I was working in Emergency and a patient came in brought by the police , under the influence of something and very erratic, she was very non compliant but after I spoke with her alone and we connected , she was on the trolley and reached out for my hand , she was about my older sons age , she held my hand and pulled it close to her and said can you stay with me while I go to sleep , I said yes you are safe here , my motherly instincts kicked in, she wasn't just a "patient " but someone's daughter, sister or friend.

She looked at me then and said "why are you so nice ?" I felt like crying as I hoped people would treat my son kindly, I said its ok, I'm here she then fell asleep holding my hand , maybe this poor girl just needed a "mum", I never underestimate my job as a "mum", it has given me so much satisfaction. So those shifts keep me going because I see so many others struggling in this life. I think my experience has taught me above all … never judge ,we don't know everyone's stories. A little kindness goes such a long way.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

My heart goes out to you and your whole family. I don't have the words to express myself coherently right now.

Thank you for your story about your care for those who enter and emergency department battered and bruised in so many different ways.

I do so hope that reaching out here is comforting to you in your anguish.

I admire you as a Mum, the love, care and concern you have for all your children is amazing.

May you find some peace and comfort here in the kind words of others, maybe some clarity in your own thoughts and even more inner strength.

Kind regards to a remarkable woman enduring so much and continuing on to care for others!

Cheers and much respect from Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thankyou for your kind words , just trying my best under the circumstances, its not easy but if I don't keep strong , who is there. I just hope somewhere my story helps another family going through this. I am scared for my son but I am just a helpless bystander at this point. I appreciate everyone here for sure.

Take care

July

[demonblaster]

Hey July and all ☺

Aren't cats gorgeous. Ahh and widdle wee cutey kittens 😍

I think self preservation that's essential which I doubt you'd be able hun to hold on without it and experience has understandably given you doubts.

Why go back to the life?
Seems insane doesn't it.
I can go by my gambling addiction and wild behaviour as a youngy kind of within boundaries.
A few clues on how the disturbed/addictive mind works which although you seem to have a good understanding of what goes on and how the psych is it may be of some help to you or others if you'd like me to post it.

I'm not putting blame on your parenting at all or assuming he has a disturbed mind.
Often someone that falls into " the life" scene has something going on but there are different reasons people become addicted.

Nothing outrageous and I won't at all be fazed if you say not to worry ☺

I'm speaking from some experience not with hard drugs & various degrees of contact and talking with some heavily drug affected people.

It's all a bit higgelty piggelty I've been ages on this and it doesnt fit.
Minds a bit boggled to put it mildly 😆

Anyway time for bed.
Power to you July 👊
Strong lady I have no doubt this would be helping many people.
Good on you sharing your story.
Thank you ☺

🤝💗🕊

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

The community of people here is created by individuals with so many stories of their own, experiences and events in life some may wish they had never experienced.

Together we have created a place to welcome others, to share our experiences, to be acknowledged, have our concerns validated and to hopefully find strength, perseverance and resilience.

This space has helped me immensely. I'm so sorry your story continues on not knowing the outcomes for your son.

There are times in my life where I don't feel at all strong or able to cope. Some days we need to just get by the best way we can. Hope you are able to tell yourself that as well. It doesn't mean you don't care or can't cope, it just means you need a little space to rest and gain your strength again.

Let us know how we can help and support you July. Kindest regards from Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

I think its the act of actually writing down and then reading your own words, which brings to light the actual pain we feel deep down despite putting on that "happy public face". I know intellectually there is nothing I can do for my son that I haven't already done or said , its the absolute frustration of the whole thing. Why wouldn't you want to live a normal life free of drugs and crime, then complain about being in prison ? well don't do it ...yes a simplistic answer I know .

Truthfully I do want to run away from it all sometimes, just to give myself time to breathe...without the stress of my adult childrens problems.

I feel sadness today, as tomorrow June 16th is his 38th birthday and where is he ...sitting in prison and me worrying about him .That is not the life I planned for him ...or me. I sent him as birthday card and his younger brother sent him one to, I hope that reminds him there is a family out here loving and missing him.

Some days its all ok ...other days I'm scared if someone asks about him I will break down, then having to lie about where he is.

I surprise myself at how I've handled this whole thing, I think overall I don't give myself enough credit for balancing this mess.

Thankyou to everyone for listening and supporting.

July

[July]

Hello, yes any information ,advice or experience is welcome. We can always learn from others , life is about constantly learning , growing and accepting other points of view. I am always open to hear others , a problem shared is a great thing , to take the burden off is so helpful. Thankyou for your words .

July