Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Will never understand]

Thank you I shall look into prison foundation website. I told my husband when our son was sentenced in March that I don’t want to be her for Xmas. I have booked our flights for Singapore Xmas day with our other son, we are spending 3 days there then our son will return home(can’t miss new year at home) and we will be going on a cruise for new year from Singapore. I just needed to be far far away from home. My family have always been together for Xmas and I find it really hard to focus. So I thought our other son deserved to be looked after best we could. He had found it really hard, as he is only 21. He is a really good kid with good friends, I think that makes a huge difference. But he is angry, angry with our other son and angry with extended family and probably angry with the world. I just want to make things abit easier for him. As much as we try to put on a good face, i’m sure he no’s we are breaking inside. Is there anyone that has a good ending when their son gets out jail?

[Croix]

Dear Will never understand~

I think it is a wise idea to spend Xmas away and to include your son. Letting him know how much you are affected is something a 21 year old should be able to understand. While his anger may be justified with his brother and extended family he may in fact play a big role in his brother's successful release if he can put it to one side.

It is not possible in this post to list all the problems a parolee or released prisoner has to face. Apart from the fact that incarceration will have changed him, made him more wary and distrusting and if there have violent events he may be suffering trauma.

Once out, if proper preparations have not been made well in advance he may be homeless, with no driver's license or other proof of identity documents, no money, unemployment in a world hard to get any sort of job and the recurring possibility of resuming old associations -or new ones from the prison system - and going back to his drug taking. Even his relationship with his family may be very hard to adjust to after prison life.

So for a successful reentry in society a fair degree of informed support needs to be undertaken - and even with these sadly there are no guarantees.

You will find in that list organizations that can assist you with all this.

Croix

[cathlouise]

Hello everyone, I have been reading this pg 1 to pg 14 I would firstly acknowledge each and every persons grief and disbelief of the legal system. I have lived this life for so long and recently decided with love I move on, letting go. This constant merry go round is slowly killing me. I have been very fortunate to have reach out to another service family drug support, there 24hr line has given me the support I have needed. I so wish our stories of our life had a happy ending, perhaps as I have learnt I am grateful my son is alive. Thanking you all who have written before me it gave me a strong feeling of warmth, I wish you all a very merry Christmas and a drug free New Year. I hope to follow more.

[Croix]

Dear Cathlouise~

Welcome here. Yes this is a thread full of tragedy, and living though it is about as hard a task as a human can get. To see the child you brought up with love turn away into another person is heart-breaking.

Recovery is not always impossible. So there can be a fragment of hope, even though common sense and experience may say there is next to none. I know one who has done it. A change in circumstances had a lot to do with it.

I'm glad you have found a practical and sensible support line, you are certainly not alone in what you face.

I 'm sorry I don't exactly understand what you meant by "recently decided with love I move on, letting go. ", would you like to share that? Any means to help to continue in this life is worth understanding.

I've been lucky I guess with my my offspring, I'm not in a position to say more as I would not want to infringe privacy. I am trusted by my (living) family to not cite them in my posts.

I can say as an ex-policeman, involved in drug related matters for a couple of years as part of my career, I've no answers. Just aware of my great fortune and the anguish of others.

If you would like to say more there is great care and understanding here

Croix

[July]

Hi, I am the mother who started this post , and I have only just been back on, my story is not over, not by a long shot,my son is again back in prison, sentenced to 16 months . he has clearly not learned his lesson as the drugs are far more important than anything. His criminal behaviour is linked to his drug taking and the people he associates with. I'm heartbroken , devastated and lost as to what to do , this is my child, thoughts go around in my head ...why ? god I just cant keep going with this soul destroying behaviour of his , this time when I found out I was stronger and although supported him emotionally , I refused to do anything else. I just thought to myself ...no! you can't keep dragging me down this rabbit hole with your selfish decisions. Obviously now in prison he is "good and clean " ...but till when ?? when he gets out ?? I have lost my faith and belief at this moment. I had to tell my younger son who is now 15 about his brother being in prison, I cant keep the deception up , of course I broke down and cried, so sad I had to burden him with the decisions of his older brother. he took it well and said he was scared I was going to tell him his brother had died ! Drugs don't just take the user they take the whole family down to . I asked him does he want to visit his brother in prison , he said "of course I do "I want to see he's ok ?, I am taking him to see his brother this Friday 3rd Jan. I will not take my older son on parole again as I cannot subject myself to the whole process again ,he can now spend his entire sentence in prison ,he didn't learn last time after we gave him everything and did everything to support him , once off parole he went back to the drugs. If he chooses to go to rehab I will support him , but he must be accountable , I now have to love him from a distance , which hurts me so much, I will keep in touch with this page , sending love to all the others experiencing this nightmare .

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

Welcome back. I know it does not mean much to say I'm sorry for how things have worked out, they are only words, even thogh I mean them.

I would like to say something and that is you have reached what is really the only possible stage one can -and still love. Many would simply have written off their offspring, and some would have gone the other way and permanently hoped unrealistically for what amountsto a miracle.

You have given everyone here an example to follow, a balance. It is a heart-breaking one but all there is.

Your son is up against something that is far stronger than most people, drugs plus associates, so called friends plus the stigma of being incarcerated. The three together are simply too much, and cannot be overcome without the person genuinely and determinedly trying to fight, and even then will need luck and opportunity too.

I was very heartened at your younger son's reaction to the news. Please take this in the spirit is meant - you are a good mother, to reproach or question yourself might be built in to human nature but is totally undeserved.

Croix

[July]

Thankyou for your words as they bring back to me that I am still a good mother , again I will always love my son till my last breath , I hate what the drugs have done to him and the destruction they have caused in his life but I’ve come to the realisation that it’s his choice and I cannot change him , as much as I want to , he has to want sobriety. When I see him , it’s still painful , the first time back in prison as he was walking out to see me he just “mouthed “ the words “I’m sorry “ , when he sat down I said “don’t be sorry just get better “ and I didn’t cry . The helplessness is the hardest thing to deal with as his mum , but I just hug him tight and tell him I love him . Every day I have him is precious as I always have that underlying fear of what could happen to him in or out of prison . I said to him “you are not a parent so you cannot understand the intense pain I feel watching you throw your life away , I know he feels remorseful when clean ... but that’s not enough . As usual all his so called “friend s “ have run for the hills , no surprise , they are not people of value . Anyway here in lies my life again . July

[Croix]

Dear July~

You are a person of value. You have a realistic idea of life, yet your love is undiminished. Nobody can do more. At the same time I feel so sad I also admire you.

Croix

[July]

Hello,

Had a visit today with my son and took his 15 year old brother to see him , they haven't seen each other for a couple of years , due to drug use. It was a beautiful moment to see my boys embrace albeit in a prison... but the love was still there and they talked like two mates. I just sat and watched them interact and soaked up this precious moment in time , my younger son asking a million questions and my older son giving him brotherly advice , made my heart warm. I just thought to myself ...why doesn't my older son see what family is about ? and its more important than drugs ?? But I have learned to now ..live in the moment and try to take each happy encounter for what it is. My daughter came to with my two granddaughters who are 5 and 7 , so it was just like any other "normal " family for just an hour. He was clean,attentive and enjoying his brother ,sister and nieces , he can have all this … but his addiction is overwhelming. I look around when we are sitting there in prison visiting him and thinking ...who in their right mind would want to be in here ?? but that's just it when hes on drugs hes not in his right mind. Watching other families , all sorts of people in there and listening to kids crying for their dads when they leave ...its heartbreaking.Its very draining but I put on my happy face and get through it

July

[Croix]

Dear July~

I just wrote most of a post to you and it vanished, so if you get two together you will know why. I'll start again.

I know it is heart-breaking, I also know it is a tribute to your motherhood, attitude to life, and ability to give and receive love that your younger son and your daughter wanted to come, and your daughter included her children. It is not as common as you might think.They are all good kids.

Excuse me for being a bit blunt for a moment. There can be a danger that your younger son might idolize his older brother - he is only seeing him at his best, and may not realise how easy it is to become completely trapped or what a person is like at his worst. Life has pitfalls that are not always easy to recognize in time.

I do think you are wise and skillful enough to prevent this. Getting specific advice might help, particularly about those real-life situations that can be disaster in disguise. That way your younger son is well prepared.

As I said, sorry to be blunt.

Apart from those pessimistic words I would like to say that one hour would have done everyone good, particularly your older son. A glimpse of ordinary non threatening and loving people can be a memory to treasure.A moment when you saw the side of your older son that is normally buried.

I'm sure he does recognize the value of family and love, but it as you say is addiction - and circumstances - are overwhelming.

When you plan a visit, please also plan for straight afterwards, the next few days, with things that will ease your heart (grand-kids are often a good release)

Croix