Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi, I'm July the mother who started this post . I haven't been on for a while but just now have seen your post. Where do I start ...so many questions , feeling , emotions , all I know is from what I have learned through my experience , please do read through my posts, they swing high and low. A desperate mother trying to make sense of an unhappy period, you will hopefully get some support /relief from my posts .

Above all ...we have done the best we can as mothers , I have been down that "guilt road" many times, asking myself a million questions on why this happened. You are so lucky you have family support ...I had no support whatsoever. Yes people will always be judgemental , hence my keeping my sons imprisonment a secret . Looking back now I am glad I did not divulge his incarceration.

My son has been out of prison for over 2 years now , but it has not left him unaffected , he still has issues and has returned to "some usage of drugs". But as far as I know is not doing anything wrong in the eyes of the law, but obviously I have my doubts and suspicion , maybe founded ....maybe unfounded... time will tell.

Apart from all of this our relationship has remained close, he is very affectionate and loving with me , I think and hope its because of the continued love and support I have showed him during his lowest point , I have learned that I cannot control him or live his life for him , I can only love him and be there for him .

It's very painful to watch your child destroy themselves and suffer the consequences of their actions ...but they have to, its life. Please feel free to contact me or ask any questions , my heart goes out to you ... but you are not alone.

Take care.

July

[white knight]

Hi July

Welcome again, OMG, this is great that you have returned. We have Devoted Mum here with the same situation you found yourself in so long ago.

I recall how I explained what jail would be like (I'm an ex prison officer of the 1970's) and how you survived that period where DM finds herself right now.

Great to hear from you again.

Tony WK

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

I too would like to express how wonderful it is to see you here again. The experiences you have been through with your son are certainly ones you do not wish upon anyone.

It is comforting to know you still have a relationship with your son and that you are close with each other.

If you don't mind me asking, do you feel like you have your life back again or has this experience left a gaping wound in your heart and mind? Have the last two years made it any easier for you to move on a little?

Hopefully in some ways you have grown stronger for enduring your son's imprisonment. I certainly wish you and your son well, and the rest of your family as well.

Cheers fro now from Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

The whole experience has definitely left some permanent indents in my life as well as his. An example is when I saw a prison van leaving the courts, which is right across the road from the hospital where I work , I began to get very upset and teary, it really made me anxious and shaky. I thought I would be over that , but no... it still affects me .

Anything on tv about prisons or someone in trouble for the same crime my son did , I find myself becoming upset , I think thats normal... I sometimes wonder if I have post traumatic stress disorder. I just feel for my son because of how his life has become so messed up , he still is unsettled, he is secretive , but then sometimes I choose to not ask to many questions ...for my own mental health.

The times when I see him.. I just take it for what it is ... he's 36 in June , I have to let him live and learn, so I just hug him and tell him I love him . My life is so busy with work, my other 3 children and 3 grand children, I sometimes don't even have much time for myself , at times when I am alone.....I do think "how have I survived this". But there are times when I just want to run away from everything , but I can't I'm a mum...first and foremost.

Thanks for caring .

Take care

July.

[July]

Hi Tony,

Thanks, I've been meaning to check in, just life is so busy . I'm doing ok ..have my days but just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its been a long road, I think my son has gone backward a bit , cause he did not go to counselling after release or address his original issues .

Actually we were at my younger daughters engagement party just last weekend , and my son came , under the influence of "something" , anyway again of out the blue he mentioned about his dad. ( who moved back to the USA 5 years ago after not being in the kids lives since he was 14 or so ) he said "dad still never contacted me after all I went through" meaning prison. Broke my heart that my son is still hurting from the rejection of his father, I said I know but its not your fault at all ...thats on him. That little boy inside him, was crying out for his father's love and acceptance...... heartbreaking for him ...and me .

I just want him to have a happy life , that's my wish above all.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

Thanks so much for replying. You may well be suffering from PTSD or maybe even a level of grief and loss, as you have suffered a loss. You certainly did not plan this kind of a life for your son or yourself. A sense of grief is understandable when life does not work out as we expect it to.

I understand the triggers that happen for you as well, my triggers have been around babies. Some days the emotions and feelings hit hard. As long as I am aware of what is happening, I am able to re-group so to speak and soon get back on track again.

July, do you have the opportunity to make time for yourself now and then? To do something just for you that will bring a smile to your face or a sense of happiness?

I sometimes take myself on an outing as a treat. It can be a drive to a park for a walk, a trip to the beach, going to a café for a coffee. Something just for me. I keep telling myself I am going to buy a kite but I have not done that yet!

I'm sorry to read that your son was so upset by not hearing from his Dad. Even as a 50 = year old I know I still seek approval from my Mum! I guess that bond is hard to break.

Hope you manage to keep well July.

Cheers for now from Dools

[July]

Hi Mrs dools,

Yes those triggers!, they can do you in, but in general I'm ok ...I just cant help drifting back to that unhappy place.

Luckily for me I think my work helps, the distraction ....helping others certainly eases my burden and makes me look further than my own issues. I try to stay grounded by remembering there are a lot worse things in the world. But of course ,things that directly affect us cannot be avoided and so we do the best we can at the time. I can also be thankful for people like you in this world.... who shine a light in our sometimes dark places, a friendly chat or advice or just encouragement can really make your day ...so thankyou .

I hope your day is wonderful.

July

[Doolhof]

Hi July,

Thank you so very much for your kind words. Part of me realises that I am very fortunate I did not take the wrong paths in life that were before me. It would have been so easy for me to wander further off the tracks than I did when I was a teenager.

I grew up knowing what it was like to be bullied and abused. Somewhere along my journey, I decided that even if all I had to share was a smile, than I would try to do that when possible. Kind words and a chat can make a huge difference to a person as well.

Today in the Op Shop where I volunteer I listened to a lady tell her story of not having seen her daughter for over a decade and not having ever seen her grand children. She thanked me for listening.

A couple of rough and tumble looking men came in wanting to know where they could get some food. I made some phone calls and was able to tell them where they could get help. They thanked me for my help.

A listening ear, a kind word, a smile...we may never know how much those things mean to someone.

Cheers to you July, I wish you well also.

Hugs from Mrs. Dools

[Devoted_Mum]

Hi to you all!

It's been a few weeks and life has been pretty hectic, but I have some good news to share.

Our son opted to go to detox/rehab and was granted an adjournment until mid-February to make sure he went, instead of a custodial sentence. I dropped him to detox yesterday for the next few days and then his dad and I will be taking him to long-term residential rehab. As long as he stays, he will continue to receive adjournments and then when ready to join society again clean, he can appeal to have any potential sentence quashed.

So our lives are taking a different turn at this point. We are so pleased that he finally made a sensible decision and chose this and was fortunate to be given the opportunity by the magistrate. Although this will be a difficult road ahead for him, it will hopefully be the turning point of his life. He is receiving a lot of support and encouragement from his friends, so hopefully he has the internal fortitude to get through this. Although he was pretty anxious yesterday and will be about the rehab, he has been able to maintain a pretty positive attitude.

So today I am counting my blessings, I will continue to stay in touch with this forum and give you updates. If he stays with the rehab program, he'll stay our of goal, but the choice is his. Or would could be back to square one.

In the meantime, I will attempt to find a forum that may address my current personal situation a little better. Thank you all for your loving support and I wish each of you well.

Love and blessings

Devoted Mum

[Doolhof]

Hi Devoted Mum,

That is great news! Hopefully your son will be able to cope with all that is required, and that in the end he will be a different person! It must be a huge relief for you to know your son has been given this opportunity.

Hopefully he will understand just how much this can mean to him and his life!

Thanks for sharing this. No doubt you have emotions that are all over the place as well and a few questions about what is involved. I do so hope your son grows through the experience and comes out the other end a different person.

Cheers to you from Dools