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Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration
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Hi, I am new to this but need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.
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Thank you July Your kindness and knowing that YOU GET ME! An understanding ear. Well I'm trying to give a wide leash to my sons trying to take care of me a little,but you know what ?no matter where I am ,what I'm doing ,they are in my mind.I find myself regressing to when they were younger to my happy times.Is that normal??We use to be in each other's lives daily if not family dinner then constant texts phone calls.Now it's just silence I can go for days with not a text a call from anyone.I find myself turning my phone on and off to see if it's working !How pathetic am I??All those close to me are doing family things on a weekend with their adult children all of them are now Nanas.How I wish I had their lives.I do get out, I shop- I walk -i potter in the garden enjoy doing my housework im trying so hard to stop the deep ache inside.I could handle the aloneness if i just
knew there was a little light at the end of the tunnel but there's not!!I know the signs the silence -I know something is up ahead -something not good!!Thats not Anxiety talking it's a mums intuition of passed years experience with my sons.Yes I understand I need to bow out for awhile to get myself stronger but my God it is so hard.I thought I would let you know how I'm feeling by this poem I wrote.
Please God No-Ohh here it comes again
The Tidal Wave of Depression
engulfing my total being
The person on the outside is not the Real me Your seeing
Underneath the skin-enveloping my soul
The Deepest Blackest Tsnami hits
like a ton of bricks,
Emotions I know I have no control.
It drags you under-attacks your senses-leaving you comotose without any defences.
The deep dark Abyss has tied you under an Ocean of Sadness.
Its Torture It's Painful It's Cruel and Its Daunting
Tormenting Soul Destroying and Taunting.
I feel It's Madness pulling me down
I Struggle I Fight Drag myself to the Top
Pleading and Begging that this Pain will Stop.
One step forward two steps back
It waits till you Calm Before it Attacks
Depression Anxiety won't get off my back
Its a Disease- You don't catch it
It Catches You
Leaving You Listless Alone and Feeling So Blue
Im Tired from Fighting -it Cuts like a Knife
Give up the Struggle
Oblivious of Life.
Its taken its Hold I just have to Give In
And Give Up the Pretence
That I could Ever Win
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Hello,
Yes, I to, regress to times when my son was little and life was not complicated...so normal.... as we are trying to remember that they are good people, and that bond is still there . But we also have to remember life moves forward and sometimes we have to adjust our new life to the circumstances we find ourselves in.
I can be in the shower ,at the shops , or at work and I think of my son , where is he? ,is he ok? ,is he warm at night? the questions go on and on.
You can still have a family at home, as I have my 13 year old son , but that doesn't take away from me thinking about my older son or worrying about him, I still have feelings of loneliness and anxiety while still being busy with other things in my life ,yes the distraction helps at times, but does not lesson my concern for my older son.
Your poetry is a wonderful way of expressing your emotions and then re- reading it, to look inside your heart , your feeling are so normal and really "expected " with the circumstances. We are just mums trying our best to get through a difficult situation , and you are correct this is ... by no means easy.
We just want the best for our children ...like any other parent... but we have a different set of problems to deal with, but we are human and need to express all the emotions that run through us, or else we would go mad.
I also try to have "faith " in my son ...hard but I have to, after all that we have been through I have to believe "something " has sunk in ! if going to prison does'nt scare you what the hell will !
I wish you the best...hold on tight to the love of your boys ,things can change , we must stay hopeful in the dark times .I have got through it ..when I honestly thought I wouldn't, it is still a roller coaster ...but I have to ride because its my son, and I can't give up on him ..ever.
Take care, July
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I have just started reading through this forum this morning and I think I'm in for a rough ride. My son has been charged this morning, great way to end a year, and has a court date for January which I am expecting a jail sentence. When he last appeared in April, he was warned that another appearance would send him to prison.
My story is like many others, our son is 28 and despite having been given so many opportunities in life by others and his dad and I, has continued to squander them and made bad choice after bad choice. Diagnosed with ADHD as a child and when he turned 16 treatment management was taken away from us as parents, he started 'self-medicating' with his drug of choice. It was all a bit of 'innocent fun' and experimentation as a teenager. But here we are, some 12 years down the track where he is fully dependent on his drug of choice, socially isolated, can't keep a job, broke, unhealthy and looks terrible, and now facing jail time.
I am absolutely devastated but knew this day could come. For a long time we tried to manage things ourselves with no luck, in more recent years we have provided access to professional assistance. Again he squandered these opportunities.
So now I find myself joining a forum of which I have partially read, reading through the heartaches and the pain, the glimmers of hope and the devastation of which I have been on and am about to really feel with my gorgeous boy going to prison.
Sitting here on New Years Eve, a day that is often filled with celebrations and new beginnings, feeling hopeless, helpless and alone. It's also being magnified as my husband and son's dad, is away on an annual sporting trip. So I think a day of tears and sadness for me and bringing in 2018 with a lot of fear and worry. On the flip side, I'm hoping I'm just about to make a lot of new 'best friends' on this forum. I have a little over three weeks to wait to know my son's fate.
Until then....
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Dear Devoted Mum,
I'm so very sorry to read your story. If you have read through some of this thread, you will have seen my name pop up now and then. I do not have children and do not know anyone who is in jail. I have not experienced anything like you have shared with us.
I can give you a listening ear so to speak, I can acknowledge your pain and confusion and sympathise with you. I can offer you support and encourage you anyway I can.
Not knowing what is going to happen must be very concerning and worrying for you. Do you have someone who you can talk with right there where you are? If not, would you consider calling Beyondblue and talking to one of the support workers if you need to? You can call them on 1300 22 4636.
Hopefully others will notice your post and offer you some suggestions, ideas and ways to cope.
From Dools
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Hi Devoted mum, welcome
Can I suggest there are other threads here that, although not specifically about incarceration, are of help also.
One is a relatively new member called "Adopted son of 37 years just contacted me..I'm so scared as what to do. " and you'll find it on the front page of "new topics" or use search. GG is a lovely natured mum and her plight might help.
Certainly repost and keep us up to date.
I have two adult daughters. The older one is close to me, been good to me, 28yo teacher. The younger one has been ungrateful, influenced by her mother, I don't see her. The younger one is not much different that other estranged situations. I've learned to live without her in my life and its been hard emotionally. At the end of the day she makes her own choices and I suffer, but I decided a few years ago not to allow her behavior to influence my goals in life e.g. giving to others (beyondblue), having a good strong family without her, loving my family and being overall happy. If I allowed her to ruin my life sadly, she would. Revenge you see.
Although that situation is different the hollow heart isn't. You can do your best for your son but you cant spend his time in jail, its for him to serve if that occurs, and for him to adapt. I'm an ex prison officer (39 years ago) and I know that 70% of inmates return to jail after release. So you can do all you can to make sure he is in the 30% but at the end of the day its his actions that will take the responsibility.
So, its also your responsibility to grow some resilience and accept that you have done your best. Your responsibility to find a way of balancing your life of happiness and accept that such happiness is a goal as well as accepting his incarceration.
Not easy but possible. That's why we are here. To be by your side.
A few threads you can read. Just read the first post if you like. They might hlp. Use google
Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue
Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue
Topic: smooth road in life?- beyondblue
Take care. repost in those threads or here.
Tony WK
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Hi Dools and Tony WK
Thank you for your compassion and understanding and I have seen both your names pop up on this forum from the little bit I've read (I'm still reading in 2015 so a bit to catch up on).
I understand that I can not live my life through my son, although I did try for quite a while, but that only bought destruction to my loving marriage of nearly 34 years. With professional guidance, we have been able to work through things and are now travelling on the same page. I have a wonderfully caring 29yo daughter who is also a teacher. It is our blessing that she has just returned home after working interstate for the past two years. She is with me tonight and is being a great source of comfort by just being with me.
Thank you Tony WK for the recommended forums, I will check them out. It is the extreme feeling of helplessness that is hard for me to bear. As a mum, you always feel that you should be able to make things better for your child, just like when they were little and you picked them up, dusted them off, put a Ninja Turtle band aid on their scrape and sent them on their way with a kiss and hug. But I can't do that anymore for my boy and this is what I find so sad.
But he has made his choices despite every opportunity he has always been given and he must now suffer the consequences of those choices. He's an adult and I can't protect him from the law, laws which he has chosen to break.
I will continue to post and I know that I will find this forum helpful to assist me through this difficult time. It is now I will find my true friends.
Happy new year to all, and may 2018 bring us blessings no matter how small.
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What a sensible logical post DM.
Ive always had a fascination with "guilt" in terms of its negativity. This is because I was made to feel guilty as a child.
However, in your case DM, I'm wondering what role is played in your son at this period of time? If he realises the gravity his actions result in, on his family, then that factor might be significant in his future.
If he is sent to jail as a parent my approach would be, when visiting him, to firstly ask about his welfare etc. Then subtlety ask him if he is aware of how difficult it is for family to see him there. That in a way you are doing time also.
I am jumping the gun I know. I suppose planning a little might ease the nerves.
What I do know is you are a good mum. Some things are out of your control.
Tony WK
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Hi Tony WK
For many years I felt guilty that I had failed my son, or we as parents were responsible to fix things. But after a lot of time and professional assistance I know that neither of these things are true.
Our family has been blessed. Both my husband and I came from large families with loving and devoted parents, both couples married for many years 'until death do us part'. We both still have loving contact with all our siblings, their children and children's children. We are fortunate that we don't have that family 'baggage'. Our son is the only one that hasn't adapted well to adult life (there's many more little ones to face challenges of growing up), but again, we are blessed that our families are supportive of us and our endeavors to help our son with his addiction, albeit some have more difficulty grasping the concept than others.
As far as the role our son is playing at the moment, he's feeling very low and saying he doesn't really care, he'll just go to jail. Being the big brave macho man. But knowing him as I do, inside he would be scared out of his wits. He has always been an easily lead person and this is worrying as if he does go to jail, he would be easily manipulated by the more savvy.
We haven't really spoken too much at this point as he really wanted to be left alone and I didn't really want to talk to him about it either. But we need to make plans 'just in case', we can't stick our head in the sand as it's a real possibility and we've only got three weeks till court.
I'm hoping to catch up with him in a couple of days. We both should have our emotions in check by then and also have some ideas on the realities of dealing with this.
I know I am a good mum and we have been the best parents we could be although far from perfect. I know this forum and the feedback are going to be my lifeline in the days and weeks ahead.
Thank you for you kind and loving support.
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Hi Devoted Mum,
I wish you, your family and also your son all the best for the New Year despite all your son is about to face. It sounds like you have a wonderful, supportive family. Hopefully your friends will understand as well, if they don't then consider they may have issues of their own preventing them from being accepting of your circumstances.
There are times when I know what is right and wrong in life and yet I still choose to take the wrong turns and follow paths I know are not good for me. We all make mistakes one way or another.
It must be hard as a parent when your child no longer listens to you or acknowledges your advice. I have seen that happen in many families. I did it to my own parents. We all have a will of our own to make choices, intelligent ones or otherwise.
Your son is very fortunate to have you with him still. Hopefully he will acknowledge that in time.
Like Tony mentioned, there are many different sections to this forum, light hearted moments and some very deep and meaningful conversations happen here as well.
Maybe keeping a journal might help you through this process. At the end of each day you might like to write down something you are thankful for as a way to even things out if your day has been difficult.
Wishing you strength for the journey,
Cheers from Dools
