Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Donna,

Nice to hear from you , I'm doing ok just getting on with life, but my son is always at the back of my mind, his addiction is clearly more important than anything, I am just so disappointed after being clean for over two years he has returned to his old ways of coping, I'm not sure exactly what drug of choice he is using but I know from his behaviour he is clearly doing something. Not addressing his issues has been his downfall , thats what got him into trouble before, drug taking ,wrong crowd of people he associates with ...the same old story we all hear .

I just hope he doesn't do anything to get himself back in prison.... but what can I do ?...nothing, he had the best start being released from prison and he has blown it !. So difficult as you well know , I am still so glad I never told anyone at work about my son...thank god.

I work in maternity now so much less stressful than ED, but I still hear about all the drama going on in there ...so glad I am out of there. If you remember about an issue I had with an old friend in ED who abused me in front of 5 staff members one day about some gossip that wasn't true, it was all around the time my son went to prison and I nearly had a breakdown ,left work for a while , well I ran into her ( its been 3 years !!) and she has apologised and said she was wrong , never should have said anything and we have spoken and met for coffee twice to talk . I have forgiven her ...for myself ...not for her ...because a true friend would never have done that in the first place , so forgiven not forgotten... if you know what I mean . I told her how much she hurt me and how it affected me personally with my "other issues" going on at the time, she appeared genuine . So resolving that has been good. I will be friendly to her but never trust her 100% again .

It is hard when our children do things that go against what we believe, but at the end of the day they are your children and we will love them forever no matter what.

I hope you are doing well, you are right in saying... if they don't want help what can we do ? heartbreaking but true.

Yes, it is my life to help and care for others and I can't even help my own child...what a sad irony. But life goes on despite all ,we have got this far so forward is the only way now.

Take care talk again soon .

July

[Croix]

Dear Judy~

You have your own sentence, dealing with your son, something that goes on and on without remission, and with no realistic avenue to help. Because it is such a very hard burden I'm glad you are out of A&E and into Maternity. I'm glad for a couple of reasons.

There is the obvious one that the stress is less - not gone entirely but by and large less - where you are now. Better for you physically and mentally.

The second is that with your son there must be a very great temptation to see yourself as having in some way failed, an ongoing corrosive to the soul - even if part of your mind knows it is nonsense. Plus the practical effort to shield the rest of your family from him and his friends.

I draw on my experiences being married to a nursing sister who was in A&E, plus later in Maternity and other areas, and that of my son who is still, after many years, in A&E too.

In A&E there are a fair number of unhappy endings, and even when not the patient disappears out of the staff's life, quite possibly with their matters unresolved. In Maternity there are many good outcomes and many occasions where discharge is a happy event. This atmosphere encourages one to think life has it's up side, one is doing good, being successful - just what you need.

I'm glad that old friend apologized. I too would be in your position and not award her the same trust ever again, but at least you now have a better relationship.

I hope the rest of your family is ok

Croix

[July]

Hi croix,

Thankyou , funny I didn't really correlate the Ed experience outcome to the maternity outcome until you pointed it out.... yes... having that usually happy outcome is better for me, in Ed I saw and was involved in so many traumatic experiences you sort of start to become "used " to it , but after the event it plays on your mind , seeing accidents , suicides , drownings , self harm ,the list goes on and you often wonder how those people are... that survived . True I am happy at work and seeing the joy in people bringing a new life into the world and the ultimate happiness you can share with someone you love ....yes beautiful .

As for my son ..I just don't know anymore, he's 35 ,a grown man to the world... but to me ...still my son ...my little boy that brought so much happiness to me ,even as a very young parent myself at 19.

Life goes on no matter what we want.. or say ..or do, I hope one day I will stop feeling this pain in my heart where he is concerned, and I can finally breathe.

Take care

July

[123justme]

Hi July

I understand after reading your first post that you know the pain im feeling. It just don't stop. I have my eldest son living with me after being on the streets(his Choice) I have no control he is 37 yrs old.He is waiting for a bed to go into Rehab as I cannot afford the private sector. They said 2 weeks wait at least, I have to leave him alone as I have to work I have no choice there. His mood swings while understandable with what he is going through always always brings me so low. I leave home at 6am get back home 6pm walk in the door to a torrent of abuse. It is breaking my heart & my spirit. Sometimes he is good I just don't know till I walk in the door. My anxiety levels are through the roof. My other son who was released from Jail(I hate that word) has now gone AWOL. No contact he has just ignored my reaching out, that has also put me under enormous enormous stress. His brother is also very worried about him as they were extremely close. Im praying he will still go to rehab, he has never been this close and this was his choice .Im doing this all alone no family to fall back on, no hello are you ok.Its very very hard. I haven't lived in years I go through the motions of life. The mask I wear to work is cracking. I cant fix my sons I cant help my sons it has to come from them and that realisation is hard so to take .I cant wait till my head hits the pillow If im really lucky sleep takes over and I dream of somewhere anywhere but here,this pain never stops this worry never stops....Im not strong anymore im broken.

[July]

Hi 123justme,

Yes, I can feel your pain through your words..all to familiar for me, and every close to home, I understand the ongoing stress and the anxious feeling that never leaves you. Take some comfort in that "I" do get you !, the feeling of isolation can be overwhelming . But remember the drugs take them and make them into someone completely different , not those beautiful little boys that we raised, my son really only was "forced "into breaking his addiction (temporarily) because of being incarcerated , and on parole because of strict guidelines , once off that he slowly declined. I am beyond disappointed with him ...why would you back to that soul destroying behaviour after 2 years , why I will never know.

I to ,never told anyone about my son , only my husband ( who is not his biological father but has been in his life since my son was 12) and his two sisters , I could not bare to face the judgement of others while going through my own turmoil and emotional hell.

These addicts need to "want " to face their demons ,we cannot force them as much as we want to , so difficult as a parent to watch your child destroy their own life , when there is no one on this earth who will love them as much as us.

So what is the answer to all this?? I don't know... I've been trying to figure it out.

There are many of us...parents trying to guide, help and love our kids through this despairing , unending nightmare of the evil of drugs.

I want to tell you ...You are strong , courageous and to be admired for loving and supporting your sons, this is not easy and only us, that have been through it, can totally understand the damage drugs do to our kids and us.

So stand tall , remember your boys need you ...through the good and the bad and one day they will thank you, I know how hard it is to carry on a "normal " life while all this is going on , but I believe you can do it ...look at what you have already been through !

Drugs do not take away their love for you as their mum , don't forget that , your boys are still there ,under all that poison, so when in doubt try to think about that, as hard as that is to remember .

Take one day at a time , us mums are strong ,they need that rock to cling onto when times are bad , be that bright star for them in a dark night .

Take care

July

[123justme]

Hi July

Thank you my heart goes out to you. Your knowing and understanding as a mum also who loves her children so very much. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I wish I could help you please look after you, you are an Angel .Thank you Kindly sending you the warmest hugs.

[123justme]

Hello

I write this with more pain in my heart seems when the heart is on overload with pain it can just keep taking it when it continues to overload and overload.My homeless son who came to stay with me waiting on a bed in rehab who I nourished him with all the good things only a mothers love can do has done a runner. I came home from work eager to cook a nice warm dinner to share and discuss his day only to find he had left with my house keys.It was Dole day.Had to take today off work I'm so very very distraught . His other troubled brother advised he said he may be heading back down to the city.I realise now he had this planned all along. These sons are killing me a very slow tortuous death.Im sure this is what living hell means.I know I have to come to the conclusion I need to cut them off completely . I'm dying here-while trying to keep my full time job otherwise I will be homeless myself.God how do you please everyone???Crazy thoughts in my head I can't keep doing this I'm not living I have no one who cares if I live or die wow I don't think I even care anymore.I keep asking What is my purpose in this world!! My heart wouldn't let an animal go thru this much pain without putting it out of its misery. How do I say enough and walk away from the sons I gave birth to the sons I would give up my own life for.I have no answers!

[July]

Hi, Oh my heart is just breaking for you , these are grown men who have to start being responsible for themselves and their own actions. I would not let either of them back into "your" house, they cannot behave, so let them fend for themselves.

You cannot keep taking on the burden of their problems at the cost of your own mental health, they need a strong mum and at the moment their decision making is poor...at best .

I know believe me ...I had to cut my son off because of his drug abuse , for a couple of years I didn't even know where he was or what he was doing ...yes it hurt me badly.... but I knew had to save myself for my own sanity .

You do not forget or not worry , but really what can you do ? they are going to do what they want no matter what you say and this is "their problem to own".

I know we keep "trying and praying " that they will come around , only to be disappointed again and again, where do we stop ? ..when our lives become so impacted by their decisions that we cannot function in our own lives .

Your purpose in this world is to be a mum and you are a good mum to these boys, trust me... deep down they know you love them , they are disrespectful because of the drugs, this torture that goes on in your head is relentless ..I know, but you are important ....we all are .

I always think, the drugs may have won (temporarily ) over my son again ....but I sure as hell ...won't let it destroy my life or my other children.

You are not giving up on your sons...you are putting yourself first ...for a change , if you are strong and act strong for your boys they will see and notice , and then realise they can't walk all over you and take you for granted...a good move for all .

You are not crazy ...the situation is crazy , that's the difference, we all have our limits ....completely normal, you are not alone we are here to talk and empathise, if you read through all my posts from the beginning it will give you an insight into my journey and maybe help you to ?

Take care

July

[Croix]

Dear JustMe, and Judy too I guess~

I've come to this page several times and tried to write and then deleted the confused mess I've made. I suppose because I'd dearly like to make you feel less anguish but I really have no magic words to say.

Thinking back into my past I've often had to deal with young men and women who have said it's not fair or you lot don't care - and meant it.

Irrespective of the circumstances in each case they had standards. They may have fallen well short of them but inside they know there was such a thing as fairness, such a thing as care.

That had been shown to them, and the obvious source was their families (some of whom I met), who even if not perfect themselves did provide a refuge and a gimps of normal life, and provide examples of those standards.

Some hardened members might have scoffed at me for thinking this, but I believe it is true.

You mothers are providing that pillar of love and decency they can come to. They may not be able to come while they are as they are, but there is hope if they want it.

You pay a horrible price for your love, but I guess there is no choice

I feel for you and would help if I could

Croix

[123justme]

Thank you for your kindness and empathy it's very much appreciated