Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[monkey_magic]

123just me,

You don't know me but what u wrote just broke me. I'm hurt and after reading that the puss and the pain is just coming out of me.

I'm done as well. Done of trying to make a doomed thing work out. It' s all just heartbreaking. A tired, hard slog...

I say thankyou a lot to ppl on here. And thankful. I feel it to, different situation but same feelings.

[Doolhof]

Hi Steph6,

Sorry to read you are really struggling at the moment too. Can you try to find a part of you that you like and build on that?

I keep feeling like I am about to stand tall and feel like I can run for a while, then along comes another blow and I feel like curling up into a ball again. I understand the wanting to get out of the boxing ring for a while, for ever would be best.

It isn't always possible. For me, I need to be aware of my own needs, not in a self centred or hurtful way, but in respect to myself.

Hopefully all reading this will be able to find the courage and the stamina to be the person they desire to be.

I'm going to make an effort today, if I fall down tomorrow, I will pick myself up and try again.

Wishing you all strength, motivation and determination.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[monkey_magic]

Thankyou Mrs dools 🙂

[123justme]

Hi Steph Im so sorry I made you feel more sad.This wasnt my intent as I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.I don't have anyone to talk to so I write my pain down in poetry.I have a whole books worth!!Please take care of you Thank u

[123justme]

Thank you Mrs D for your Support & your Kindness.

You have a Warm heart

Im very blessed to receive your insight.

Thank You Kindly

[monkey_magic]

U absolutely have nothing to worry about. You've given me insight. So thanku x

[123justme]

Hi again

I was diagnosed with PTSD with Severe Depression& Severe Anxiety ..(there is a long story there) my triggers are my 2 troubled sons.(another long story)Through all this I have been holding down a full time job as I have to work. This has not been easy at times. I have no family its just been me and my sons. My select close friends know of some troubled times but not of the recent incarceration, My son was released on a technicality a week ago. They said he didn't report the day he was suppose to although he had no idea of this and in court was proven so.He was released after 8 weeks. Been out a week then the contact stopped recently I know he been down and didn't want to overload him with mum, just enough to let him know I love him and im here. My other son just texted me to say he thinks he been arrested again.Thats was from my homeless son who wont accept my help either... I have no information.. im sitting at work trying to hide this typing here trying to stop the panic rising the anxiety is unbelievable...I had to have time off work when he was arrested before as it floored me.How am I going to get through this. I feel the sad taking over trying so hard not to cry in front of my colleague's as they know nothing and its best that way. My body is shaking...1 and half hrs.' to go at work. I car pool as live an hr away from my job so will have to keep it in for awhile longer. Hope it ok to send this guess im just venting afraid very very afraid....where to turn??Starting to feel light headed maybe shock...im scared so scared .

[Doolhof]

Dear precious 123,

I'm so very sorry that you are suffering so much. There have been many times in my life when I have wondered how I was going to hold myself together. I have used phone help lines many times, have you considered using them? You can call beyondblue anytime on 1300 22 4636 and Lifeline 1311 14 to name a couple.

As I am out in the country, I was also given a Remote Region emergency number to call. When I was having shocking time earlier this year, one of the ladies answering the phone became very familiar with my issues. Maybe my number was recorded as well. When I called she greeted me by name before I told her who I was.

It is really tough when you want o cry but feel like you can't. Is it possible for you to nick off to the toilet to have a cry at work? Sobbing into a ball of toilet paper helps. Do you have even one person at work whom you could tell you are concerned for your son's well being with out going into detail?

It is certainly okay to share how you are feeling here, write down what ever you need to if it helps. You know we are all anonymous, there is no judgement here. I have never been in your shoes, I do understand pain, hurt and everything that goes with them.

Sometimes people send each other virtual hugs, best wishes and virtual flowers on this forum.. I do the same for you, sending you some virtual roses of your favourite colour with a beautiful perfume and no thorns.

Do you have plans for the weekend? Is it possible for you to schedule some special moments for yourself doing something that will give you some comfort?

Thinking of you, hope you are able to let go of the tears, take care,

sending you hugs if you want them and much tenderness, from Mrs. D.

[July]

Hello,

I'm sorry I haven't been on here for a while but I am here now, please feel free with whatever you need or wish to say . I completely understand the pain you are going through ....I am still battling with my son and I have not heard from him in a month , I am to assume the worst he is back into the lifestyle which he knows I won't tolerate.

Despair, sadness, grief, anguish ,disappointment I have felt it all and then some, your heart wants to believe it will be ok ...but your head is realistic and terrified that something bad will happen.....again.

But to love them is all we can do , if you read over my long long journey I have opened up my heart, at times... happy ...at times disillusioned, its like a rollercoaster, just because they are adults, we do not hurt any less or love any less, that deep pain lingers always . You feel alone because of the stigma and shame surrounding your childs "failure", I still at times blame myself for him and his behaviour wondering what the hell I did wrong ! I just want him to have a normal happy life...but when is this going to end? Please come here and open your heart, it does help to release the pain and know there are others here who understand what you are going through.

Take care

July

[A_Tech]

Hey July,

I know we haven't spoken in such a long time and I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going so well.

I had to remove myself from this post because I was struggling so bad with thoughts of my brother. The main thing I realise now is that at least I now where he is. I haven't seen him since boxing day and thats been hard, but something my dad said helps.

He was also struggling with the stigma and shame, his son murdered someone! But he said to me one day that he finally had to accept that it wasn't his doing, because if it was then why weren't we all like that?

The choices my brother made throughout his whole life were his own. As were mine. We were close but SO different in personality. I have one speeding fine to my name but he's where he is, we were raised exactly the same way. I am one of 5 kids, he's the only one like this.

This is not your doing as is was not my dad's. You and I can't help they way we see things because of what we do. We spend our lives/careers helping others, so it's devastating and incomprehensible for us to think that we couldn't help our own. But if they don't want to be helped then what can we really do?

I've been going to a place in South Perth, Brain Wellness Spa. Please google it. I have had amazing results. It's not covered under any insurance but it's more than worth it!

Please let me know how your doing,

Take care,

Donna xx