Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[123justme]

Hi July

Im new to this online, was seeking beyond blue for my own pain outlet when I came across one of your earlier posts. I sobbed as I thought there was only me in the world going through the exact same awful heart-rending pain. Guess that's the way we all feel when we hold so much in and keep it wrapped inside ourselves. Im sending you the warmest hug letting you know im a mum who is going through the same thing . My story is very new and very raw. Im broken. I hope soon I can share my story with you. I wish you many heartfelt hugs. Thank you for sharing.

[Doolhof]

Hi 123justme,

Now and then I pop by and say hello on this thread. I have never walked in your shoes and have no understanding of the pain you are enduring. I can offer you a listening ear for when you feel ready to share any part of your story.

I'm so very sorry you have had to endure a situation which must be one of a Mother's worst nightmares.

I would like to offer you a virtual hug, encouragement to share when you are comfortable to do so and hope that somehow in all you are enduring you do find ways to get through each day.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

It has been some time since I connected here. I am assuming as you have not been here for a while, things may have escalated with your son. I am so very sorry. I don't have the words to share with you right now. I know how much yo have battled wanting what is best for your son and your whole family.

My heart goes out to you July! Thinking of you and sending you a huge hug as well.

From Mrs. D.

[123justme]

Thank you kindly for your warm words.Today hasn't been a good day.Im trying so very hard very hard sometimes there is nowhere to turn.I do so appreciate your virtual hug kindness is a rarity in my world thank you

[Croix]

Dear 123Justme (Hi to Judy too)~

In this thread you will have found others who are in very much the same sort of position, without prior experience, rule books or anything else to use as a guide as to what to do and how to feel.

There really are no words of comfort that are adequate for this situation, the irony being it is a more common one than most realize, as an ex-policeman I'm well aware of that.

All I can hope is that a common shared tragedy will help each in some small way. It is a new battle every day.

I hope you feel welcome enough to be able to say as much - or as little - as you want. Just as importantly as time goes on you may be able to lend your advice too (even though that might seem a remote possibility at the moment). We do care.

Croix

[123justme]

Thank you I will take any wisdom offered.I do appreciate your kind words .

[Doolhof]

Hello again,

It sounds like you may not be receiving much assistance, understanding or acknowledgement for what you are enduring at present.

To me, by saying very little, you are saying volumes about the hurt and pain you are feeling. I understand hurt and pain, from a totally different source than you. I know what it is like to feel like you have had the life sucked out of you or your feet kicked out from underneath you.

Some of my coping mechanisms are gardening, crafts or various kinds, volunteering, writing out how I am feeling, reading and Sudoku puzzles. Sometimes our garden is attacked quite viciously. Ha. Ha. We have 5 acres here so I can wear off a lot of frustration when I feel like I need to.

Like Croix and I have both mentioned, you are more than welcome here, may our words provide you with some sense of acknowledgement and validation to your experiences.

I'm sending you another virtual hug if you would like it with words of care as well.

Cheerio for now from MRs. D.

[123justme]

Thank you again for your kindness. When im in pain I tend to write poetry.This is very recent.Hope you don't mind my sharing here.

I do it to myself time and time again.. you think I would just let it be, you think I would have learnt by now

STUPID ME

I believed your promises, I believed your lies..... I believe in you ....Waited for you.. to meet you as you planned

hours and hours

Though you never show.

I should just say Goodbye... put an end to the expectation that things will work out..

Put an end to The Stress.... The worry..... and.. The Doubt.

Your hurting yourself though you just cant see... The Pain ..The Doom

it all goes to me.

I cant stand it anymore... my threshold of pain is on overflow,

whatever way I turn There is nowhere to go

to escape the torment to realise its out of my control.

I have NO Power to change Your Life-This must come from you-Your Decision

Im your Mum I Love you

Although I've tried..I've begged... I've prayed... I've pleaded with God

But this collision up ahead.... is all yours.

I've been grieving for years the 2 sons that were

before the drugs and breaking of law did occur.

I have nothing Left inside to give... step by step... day by day

struggling myself to continue to live....

What is Life? I haven't had one in years ...giving all to my sons

Living in Fear.

Im failing as a mum I cant protect you.. Im scared..... Terrified of what's up ahead.... is there even a future to see

I love you too much to ever give up on you

Im just so very very sad and tired and weary

Tired of the war

[Doolhof]

Dear 123justme,

Thank you so very much for sharing such an emotional and powerful poem. I am wondering if yo were crying while you typed the words.

I offer you a virtual shoulder to cry on, a hug and a huge box of tissues.

I can only imagine the hurt, pain and confusion you must feel as a Mother.

As a teenager, I was a horrible person at times. I am fortunate I did not cross paths with the law. It could easily have turned into a life that was not one you expect to live through as a child.

My parents gave me a decent enough upbringing, the best they could do under their own circumstances. If I had gone totally off the rails, it would have been me who took those steps, not any actions of my parents.

The reason I am writing this is so you can try to hold on to your own sense of self worth and value. When things go wrong in our lives or in the lives of our loved ones, some of us need to find a sense of blame in ourselves or blame someone else.

Sometimes horrible things happen. Circumstances can lead to wrong choices and consequences.

I don't know if this is making any sense at all. I just hope you manage to find the courage and the strength you need to keep going.

There is a thread running here at the moment about liking and loving yourself. I'm guessing in circumstances like yours where you may be blaming yourself, a sense of self liking or loving may be hard to feel.

Sending you a virtual hug, from Mrs. D.

[Doolhof]

Hi Again,

The thread I was thinking of is actually called "Do you love yourself" in the Staying Well section. Yo may be encouraged by some of the posts there.

Cheers again from Mrs. D.