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Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

July
Community Member

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

570 Replies 570

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Donna~

Thank you for replying so frankly. No way is it babble. Feelings of hurt and betrayal yes, but great sense too and a realistic way of regarding things as well.

As an ex-policeman I know exactly what you mean by being outside the world one used to live in. In a funny way that betrayal (via indifference in my case) and heedless casting aside generated anger and resentment that helped keep me alive when I fell right down. Less room for that unreasoning self-blame I guess.

Having nobody on the same level is an enormous gap, though I found as time went on (quite a long time actually) the importance of this became less. Now I would never discuss anything from that life with anyone without good reason.

As for trust, still working on that one. I have an inner family circle and a couple of others. Best (ex)friend in the force: no way - ever.

I had hoped when I posted that you would find someone else, here or elsewhere. I had not necessarily assumed murder, I think a nice little bank robbery would have done equally well:)

-Sorry about that, even though I get into trouble at times I can't resist lightening matters, never could.

Writing those letters sounds an intelligent and probably reasonably effective means of coping - I hope so. Not wanting to ruin the rest of the relationship just shows how different you are from those (ex) friends and workmates. I know whose esteem I'd rather have.

The malice - well that's humans, unfortunately. Unearthed from comfort zones, driven to belonging in the group by generating outsiders, fear of being tarred with the same brush by association; all feed this nasty fault. You see them for the cripples with poverty of spirit they are -ok, good. It may well be that some of the better ones now see themselves that way too - no help to you of course.

Listening to your account makes me feel less alone.

Croix

A_Tech
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Croix,

I really enjoy reading your posts. Your honesty is refreshing!

I would've taken the little bank robbery by the way over this, haha. I'm the same with lightening things up (when I want too anyway). That's a little coping skill from our line of work though isn't it? It's hard to face life and death every day and not be able to lighten it up, we would've all lost it a week into the job otherwise!

It's been 4 years since he did that, I still struggle to even say the words. I'm from a family of 5 kids but him and I were always the closest. My other half in rough childhood.The only one I've ever been able to rely on to be there for me throughout my entire life. Losing that has been the hardest. But people don't see these things.

From 6 months after his crime, it's only been my dad and I left for my family (this has been the only and biggest blessing. My dad has found his way back to wanting too and acting like being a dad!!) . The rest of them didn't want to or couldn't accept what had happened. So we don't speak because of it.

So my brother ruined two families that day. Four really, my marriage is struggling due to my depression, and his partner left him within the first year of him being in prison. I heard just before christmas that his eldest daughter just had her first child, so my brother is a grandad! But it'll never be normal will it?

My mother told me it was my own fault that I was heading towards a breakdown a couple of years ago, what a laugh. Her support in my life was always overwhelming. Before I diagnosed with C-PTSD (brother and work and family combo) she saw him once after he was arrested, I was working full time, meeting with his lawyers, going to court with him, had my own family and my siblings telling me to walk away.

So I walked away from them instead! And it's been hard, really hard. I miss them and my nieces and nephew. I understood their feelings and accepted that, I didn't want to change their minds and was happy not to discuss it. But I did expect support for me from them which they refused to do. If I was tired or had a cold or anything even unrelated, my family used this as a way to nag at me to walk away from my brother.

This has extended to aunts, uncles, cousins etc. I don't see anyone except for my dad. It's really quite sad, but we are so close now I can't remember what it was like before. Dad and I are going to New York together in December for a holiday, just the two of us and I can't wait!

Talk soon, Donna

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Donna~

I can relate to everything you say - not a great deal of help I know. Glad you appreciated the black humor, thought it might make you feel more 'at home' (I did worry until you replied just now though:)

Your family feels it needs validation (I guess you have figured this out for yourself) in that if you walk away from your brother then you are tacitly agreeing their course of action in abandoning him was right. Hence their 'encouraging' you to follow their example.

In this world there have to be some people that are the 'glue' that holds things and people together, otherwise trivial self-interest will rule and the weak and unfortunate lost.

It sounds like you and your dad are two of them. It does exact a price, as you are well aware, but what else can one do.

That being said one can pace oneself without losing sight of the basic intention (to be there for your brother). I'm still thinking of your reaction of guilt and concern in not visiting him for a while time. Lifting a heavy burden in easy stages can be more effective than going all out and exceeding one's capabilities.

Put oxygen mask on self before others is a pretty meaningful sign, points out one has to remain secure in order to be in a position to help.

Going to NY sounds fascinating. I'd spend all my time in the little theaters looking at experimental/absurdist theater.

Croix

A_Tech
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Croix,

I don't know anyone in our line of work that can't appreciate the humour, like I said it's our lifeline no question!

Funny your comment about the glue keeping things together, that's been said many times to me over the years in regards to my family. Way before this happened too. Maybe that's that's why I got into heath care?

I love the oxygen mask reference for many reasons of course. I've actually used that same analogy myself with my son about things. I ca't help using medical references to explain things, makes him laugh at me which I like, lol.

My son is an amazing young man. 20 years old and had to deal with a lot of things someone his age isn't supposed too. But he's still himself and I'm so proud of him, the best thing I've ever done!!

NY is an amazing place. This will be my 3rd time there, about 8th to the U.S. I like going there for holidays, but I do love coming home more. It's quite a contrast from NY to Perth.

It'll just be nice to spend time with dad, away from here. Experimental/absurdist theatre?? Interesting . . . . haha

Positive thinking and something to look forward to are keys right!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear July~

I wondered how you and your son have been going, you've been quiet for a month or so. The last time you spoke I got the impression things seemed quite hard but hopeful.

Croix

A_Tech
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Tony,

Such beautiful words to July!

I am so happy to see the amount of support that is given on this post by everyone, it brings back a sense of trust in humanity.

Thank you for sharing that.

Donna x

July
Community Member

Hi everyone,

Well , things have not been good, I could see a slight decline in him in the last few months, he had been living with another person who has since been jailed ! so I knew this was not a good sign, he moved out of there to another place of which he would not tell us, obviously another red flag. He has had a few speeding fines and a littering fine ,I know because his mail is still coming to our house despite me asking him to change his address for the last year. He doesn't want to change his address, I'm assuming so the police don't know where he lives ....in case ?? another red flag. His boss called me about him, as he didn't turn up for work one day with no contact and was worried , of course I'm panicking , I called my son and he went off the deep end about being stressed and appeared very angry and abusive, I calmed him down and tried to reason with him about his behaviour , Immediately I knew he was clearly taking some form of drugs, the signs were all there . Consequently he has since been fired from his job, we do not know where he is living or what he is doing.

I again tried to contact him on Facebook , he became aggressive when confronted and I said to him , basically how dare you speak to me like that after everything we have done for you , and the hell you put us through in the last 3 years, I kept my cool but told him I wont tolerate anymore bad behaviour , he's 35 next month , Im not going down that road again ....I can't... I barely kept it together last time . Not saying that he is involved in any illegal activity that I know ...but where drugs are involved ...criminal activity is usually close behind. I told him he is not welcome at our house if he is taking any drugs ...I love him but I'm not a fool ...I have my 13 year old son still at home and he is not going to be exposed to the choices my older son makes , I am so disappointed , but I am fully aware of addiction and he has made his choice. Its us, his family....or his choices , I tell him love him but at the end of the day I can't live his life for him , and I'm not going to let him take us all down with him. He never addressed his issues once released from prison, so he has no coping skills, despite all the family support , so he has stumbled but he needs to get himself up , I will always be here for him but I refuse to enable him and he knows that. I think thats why he is keeping his distance , he knows he has let u

s all down , time will tell .

July

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion
Dear July~
Before I start I'd like to say I think you are doing a great job in next to impossible circumstances.

Sadly your eldest seems to have gone beyond the boundaries of son-mother interaction and is really someone else. I have no idea if he will return to being how he was – some do, in the meantime he is a stranger.

On the positive side I guess he must still see you as being a sensible and normal anchor in his world, which is why I suspect he avoids you. He would quite rightly feel that you would not put up with his current lifestyle.

At the same time I would imagine he feels he has let everyone down, including himself. It is just that his priorities are now such they override all else, which in turn may lead to self-justification.

I think it is a very wise decision not to have him with you. His life can contaminate. For example by the possibility of introducing his youngest brother to the undesirable facets of his life (drugs, acquaintances, an ‘underground’ lifestyle).

Also by the possibility of getting unrealistic misplaced sympathy where mum’s actions are seen as harsh and unreasonable.

Trying to cope with the conflict between mother love, probably self-blame and practical difficulties against the need to keep your family safe is truly horrible.

Your words are so sensible – a textbook response that minimizes harm and preserves a way forward if wanted. Being strong enough to always keep to this course is a huge task.

Keeping yourself intact needs as much support as you can get. You have not really mentioned your other two adult children recently, do they understand and support you? You talked of seeing a councilor before, is that still on the go?

You have my best hopes

Croix

July
Community Member

Hi Croix,

Thankyou for your insight, yes at the moment I am feeling a wide range of emotions , concern, sadness, stress and a feeling of defeat, what else could I have done? Did I do enough? What didn't I do ?.

I know my boy and I know that he would be feeling like he failed himself and me, this is the curse of an addiction. But I truly thought we had made progress, he was clean for over 2 years , his demons have come back to haunt him and his self loathing, insecurity and deep regret of his actions have caused him to go back to what he knows best , an outlet that will make him temporarily forget his life choices.

But I to ...have to protect myself and my other children and grand children. My two daughters , aged 31 (with two girls aged 3 and 5) and aged 27 ( with one boy aged 15 months) have supported their brother through this , but both always said if he goes back to that lifestyle and drugs they won't. My youngest daughter has been the most supportive of me and still is, my older daughter is somewhat detached.

My youngest son aged 13 and is not aware of his brother's incarceration , I felt he was to young to be involved in such adult problems at the time , but now I have had to sit him down and explain to him ,his brothers addiction to drugs (not the incarceration ) and the ramifications of it all, it was one of the hardest things I've had to do , basically destroy the illusion of his older brother, but he needed to be aware and vigilant of his behaviour , sad as that sounds.

He is a very mature boy for his age as he has been brought up with 3 much older siblings, he was shocked , I answered his questions appropriately and as honest as I can, he said in all his wisdom "Mum that must be so hard... you need a hug", of course I cried.

I have always said to my oldest boy , I am here always ,but you have to take control of your life , I can't do it for you, although at times I wish I could, I always give a positive comment with a negative one so he doesn't feel critiqued all the time.

I have to sit and play the waiting game and hope to God he finds his way, but I also need to make sure he knows I have not abandoned him , everyone needs to have someone on their side no matter what.

But despite all.... I will be here.... come hell or high water, thats my son.

Regards

July

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear July~

I guess all I can say is I think all your family is very lucky to have you. There will be times when you feel it is all too much, or you have not direction. Please have faith in yourself, you are a pretty strong person, it comes across in your writing

Croix