Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Nicoc,

Thank you for sharing with us your story, it's good to get some thoughts on what it is like to be inside and coming out, this way we can understand more fully. You sound like you did something that you obviously regret but have done extremely well to put it behind you and live a full life.

Unfortunately my son didn't learn that lesson and returned to committing crime and with that went back to jail. I am hoping this time he has learnt his lesson but only time will tell.

July and Mrs Dools, Peter did write a very brief letter with my birthday card in which he mentioned he may get out on parole this time next year. I don't know whether to be elated for him or scared for him.

He keeps saying he loves me and that is nice to hear. He does love me deep down l know that and shows it if he is clean but in the past that hasn't lasted.

I am getting emotional just thinking about what it was like last time he got out, it all went pair shaped and he didn't want to know me. I know for my own mental health l have to put boundaries in place, 1 is that l will only allow him in my unit if he is clean. He will say he is but his behaviour says different and then he gets angry and affended if l challenge him. This is what happened last time and l dread going through it all again.

All l can do is hope this time he has learnt his lesson.

Mrs Dools l to fall to pieces on special dates so you are not alone there. Christmas, my birthday, Mother's Day and Peters birthday are all dates that l find hard, l try to do something on those days so long am not alone, his does help me.

Not really looking forward to going back to my volunteer job next week but l need to be busy doing things, it helps me cope better.

Take care ladies and pamper yourselves during those days you find difficult.

Much love

[July]

Hi Anne,

Yes, I think we all have dates in our lives that bring up painful and sad memories, you want to skip that day or somehow make it go faster so not to 'feel' the sadness it might bring.

I really hope and pray your son has finally learnt his lesson this time, but give him a chance to prove himself, sometimes it takes a while for us to correct our destructive behaviour and patterns and we are all guilty of not doing the right thing at times.

I understand your anxiety about his release...thats natural, I was ...and am still scared about my son, as he is off parole in less than 3 weeks , so no one monitoring him, no drug and alcohol testing.....he is free to make his own choices and I hope he makes the right ones.

He's been clean for over 2 1/2 years but who knows? it will break my heart if he ever went back to his old lifestyle...I don't feel he would.... but who knows.

I think it will be good for you to go back to your job, keeping busy distracts your mind from other things and also passes the time quickly, I know when I am at work, I feel better as I am looking after other people so in turn that helps me.

All the best

July

[Doolhof]

Hi Ladies,

Thinking of you all. I do so hope that both your sons are able to change their lives around, July it does sound like your son is doing okay. Hopefully he has progressed along far enough now to make a go of his life.

Anne, hopefully your son will have had enough of prison to now want to change his life around when he is out.

Nicoc, I wish you well also.

Just to change the subject, I would like the wind to stop howling and for the sun to shine for a little while!Ha. Ha.

Cheers ladies from Mrs. D

[July]

Hi girls,

My son came over yesterday for a visit, he always comes home to mum for food...typical boy !, he seems well and is happy about being finally"free" in two weeks.

He is moving in with a mate into his house not to far from us, he said he is lonely living by himself , which I knew, but with his parole conditions he had to have approved living arrangements...fair enough, so mentally having company will be good for him and I'm sure he will be dropping by more often.

I don't like to go on at him about "being good", I'm sure he knows where he stands and the right way to move forward, so I need to give him a chance and I also don't want to keep going back to that dark place but make him think how lucky he is to have a new start without drugs, and his family to love and support him, I know he is grateful.

Every time he visits he always hugs me and tells me he loves me, I am so grateful he is ok and as a mother to hold my son..... albeit a 34 year old, I just want to protect him and tell him it will be ok....I'm here.....always.

He still needs me.... and I love that.

Take care

July

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

Dear July, reading your post makes me want to cry for many reasons.

There are tears of happiness for you and your son, being reunited in this way, being able to be with each other face to face and to be able to hug each other.

Tears of sadness for all the things he must have seen and witnessed in prison, tears for evils in society that so easily suck people in.

Tears also for the decades when I have longed to be hugged and loved like you love your son by my own Mum.

Tears for the son whom I was only able to hold for 24 hours.

So today, I will think of the tears of happiness that you may have shed so often yourself, knowing that your son is now out of prison. I will be happy for you and your son and truly hope that he manages to "be good" from now on.

Anne, I am thinking of you and P as well. It is wonderful you received word from him. How is your Mum by the way?

Nicoc, I'm hoping you are doing okay as well.

Cheerio all, from Mrs. D

[July]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thank you for your words, yes I to, sometimes re read the posts and I even cry at my own words...cause they come from my heart and what I am going through at the time.

I have lived a life without the love and nurture from a mother, so I feel so protective over my kids and of course how lucky I am to even have children, I never forget that it is a true blessing in itself .

I can't imagine what is like to hold your baby for that precious first hello...then have to say goodbye, but that instant everlasting bond as mother and child is forever, nothing can tear you apart.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Ladies,

I am down the coast today visiting mum and she is cheerful and hanging in there. She has an X-ray next week to see how she is healing and then how much weight she is allowed to put on her leg.

When l wrote to Peter I suggested it would be nice if he wrote to mum and he did so l was pleased. The words he used sounded mature and sincere, eg he said she was a strong women. Not the type of words l am use to hearing from him so that gives me some hope that maybe he is growing up. He is now 36 but that means nothing at times.

So nice to hear July that your son visited and obviously still needs his mum. Like you l feel I will always be wary and I hate that. He is making wonderful progress and a flat mate and the company might be what he needs right now.

Mrs D, l always get emotional coming on,this site, it reminds me where my son is, what he has done to his life and the impact it has all had on me, all very sad.

I to can't imagine the pain of holding your precious baby for such a short time. I am glad you can come here and share your feelings with us.

Better go as l am off to visit mum.

Bye for now

[Doolhof]

Good morning ladies,

Anne, how is your Mum getting on?

I have had my older sister here for a few days. She is recovering from the flu so hopefully she has not passed it on to us. Think she needed some TLC.

We sat around chatting, crocheting, watching t.v. eating too much chocolate and did little else. My dear sister really was in a low mood. It seemed everything she said was so very negative. I kept changing the subject trying to find something positive to chat about.

We have some sunshine today so I am planning to do a little gardening, maybe even sit outside and read if I can find a sunny spot out of the wind. There is still quite a chill factor to the breeze!

Cheers ladies, from Mrs. D

[July]

Morning girls,

Anne so glad to hear your son wrote to your mum..lets hope he's turned he corner, in prison all they can do is think and ponder about life, no matter what, he will have regrets and disappointments about himself and what he's done, they like to put on a brave front but there is pain underneath it all.

Mrs Dools, nice to have your sister visit, someone to share stories and secrets with, I always wish I'd had a sister to confide in or any family member to be honest, would have eased my burden.

Today is the day.... 17th October... my son is officially released from his parole conditions, he has abided by all his rules and regulations, passed all alcohol and drug tests and completes all assigned courses.

So why do I feel nervous? ..... scared of him being solely responsible for his own actions now, I think because he made the one mistake through bad judgement and ended up in prison , has he really learnt his lesson?.... can he move on maturely?.... will he stay sober? the questions swirl in my mind, I can't go through this again...I barely made it last time.

I feel that anxious feeling inside me, I hope he doesn't let himself or me down...time will tell.

Thanks for being here ,the support on here has kept me going.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Ladies,

Mrs D, how nice of you to have a family visitor, sounds like is was a bit stressful to having to find positive things to talk about.

I too have been doing some gardening, well as much as my arthritis will allow.

July I can fully understand how you are feeling as that is me still. When my son first got out I thought that was it and he was on the straight and narrow but that didn't happen. Each time since he has been out on parole or when released my worries started, all that you are feeling is what I was feeling.

He still needs congratulations on having his parole conditions over but it is also a scary time for you. Your trust has been flattened and that needs to be built up again so being nervous is very understandable. I feel it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling so please don't give yourself a hard time.

My son said he might be out on parole this time next year and the moment I read that all of the nervous feelings came back. I am scared he is going to reoffend again, it all depends on his addiction and his ability to overcome it. He hasn't in the past and neither has his girl friend.

Mum is getting better slowly so that is good but she is trying to find a way of getting out of hospital early and that worries me no end.

Have a great day ladies and be kind to yourselves.