Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi Donna,

I remember having to tell the court psychologist all about my sons history and why he may have gone down that path...yes it hurts and the what ifs?? and the whys?? its all so hard, we all have some baggage I think to some degree which affects the way we are as adults and to dig it all up can be so painful, but it will help to understand  your brothers thought patterns and processes and to help him to rehabilitate, which now is the focus.

Its very important to visit him and support him , no matter what, as I said before it took me about 6 months to stop crying at visits, it devastated me but I had to put on that happy face and move forward, my life has been affected by all this, as I am still in counselling trying to deal with this  and my son should be released hopefully in december, he's on a prison farm now and in self care and working outside of the prison in a market  garden which has been great for his self esteem, I see such a different person in him now.

I am going to see him this saturday which will be good, family support is vital to encourage them and show them the future can change if they work hard enough, and you are right we all could have walked on the wrong side.

I hope you all have a relaxing weekend ,you need to look after yourselves to be strong for him, and he will adjust to prison life .....strange as that sounds , they form a routine and make a "new life" in there, after all they are just normal people who have made a mistake, who are we to judge.

I to, am glad I have this forum to talk, its been a life saver at times, so always feel free to chat, we are here for you completely, my heart goes out to you because this is a difficult journey to travel.

All the best

July

[July]

Hi Anne,

I hope you are holding up , the sentencing just around  the corner, but at least it will be over to some degree and you will know what happens from there.

Its scary and nerve wracking I know, but remember its not your fault, he is an adult and made his own decisions right or wrong ,they are his.

Its another hurdle to get over and then move forward, take it day by day, we cannot live our children's lives for them, we can only guide them and support them to the best of our knowledge, the rest is up to them.

I hope the day goes quickly for you and you are in my thoughts, just remember we have been there to, so you are not alone, there are many families going through this to.

We have shown our strength and we can't be defeated no matter what life throws at us, we need to set an example to our sons about what "true love" really means, stand strong and hold your head up, the unconditional love a mother has for their child cannot be broken...ever.

Take care, let us know how you are.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Donna, July and Lauren,

Thank you all for your support.

Donna I feel for you and my heart goes out to you with your brothers sentencing, it is closer than my son.

I have had no phone calls either this time or last time about his background, I would have been able to give them horrid stories as well.  My son's is the 3 rd, next Thursday and I am getting anxious.  Nervous about seeing him after so long, nervous about how he will react seeing me, nervous about how I am going to react seeing him. Quite frankly it is a bit too much for me.

My saving grace at the moment is I am going to Melbourne for a holiday on the 12 th September, I am staying with a cousin who I was very close to growing up and I haven't seen her other than a brief reconnection last year for 40 years.  I am going for 10 days and she has that pretty much booked up.  I haven't been to Melbourne before so I am excited but my sons sentencing is putting a damper on everything. Everyone is asking if I am excited about my holiday but I can't be, I smile and say yes but I feel that excitement doesn't show in my eyes.

I am at my volunteer job sitting on the front desk with glistening eyes reading your comments of support, how wonderful you all are.  If I were at home I would be in tears for sure. 

Your support means so much to me and to know how I am feeling  or understand how I am feeling is a great comfort to me.

I just want the day to be over with, it is now only a week away and I'm terrified.  I want to get through without tears but I can't see that happening, I really don't want to fall to pieces.  My shrink said if I get too emotional I should leave, calm down and go back in but I want to sit through the whole thing to show my support.

Anyway thank you all doesn't seem enough but for know it is all I can do.

I will definitely let you know how things go.

Hugs

Anne

[Doolhof]

Hi Anne,

I haven't spent much time here at BB for a while now. I came upon your message here and just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and wish you well for your son's trial.

As Donna has mentioned, those of us who have not walked in your shoes do not have a clue as to what you are all enduring at the moment.

I just want to let you know I am thinking of you.

I too hope that you will be able to enjoy your time with your cousin in Melbourne. Does she know what is happening in your life right now?

I see there will be about a week between your son's court case and your holiday. I hope you are able to see your counsellor in that time to off load how you are feeling.

It really is wonderful you ladies have been able to find each other here, that you can be of support and encouragement to each other.

It certainly helps to know that people care. I have no idea what to write to help in this situation, but hopefully just knowing people are thinking of you is of some encouragement.

Cheers to all of you amazingly brave and courageous women!

From Lauren

[July]

Hi Anne,

I am glad you will have the distraction of going away it will be good for you, try and leave the stress at home and unwind, after all there really is nothing that can change his course now, but I understand when people ask about different things and I to ,put on that "mask" as if everything is alright, but in time things will get better and you will adjust as I have... doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but I'm trying really hard to accept things, I still have my down days for sure and could cry at the drop of a hat.

Go into court and see how you feel, if its to hard go out take a break and come back, don't be afraid to let your emotions show through, your son like mine, has hurt you deeply and they  have to acknowledge that and accept that their actions have caused deep distress for a lot of people.

I hope you have someone who is going with you but remember we will be there in spirit sending hopes and prayers your way, you are very brave and can do this, your son no matter what ,will see his mum there and know that your love is unwavering.

Its only one day and it will come and go, you will still be here to fight the good fight, all the best.

July

[July]

Hi Lauren,

Thanks for your lovely words, its really nice to hear from other people who are empathic to our situation and hearing the family who is left behind, crime doesn't just affect the perpetrator and victim it affects both families and its devastating, and I never thought I would be in this situation but I am , and now have to make the best of it.

You I feel, may be one of the few who would  stand by a friend who is going through this sort of thing, thats why no one in my life knows about my son, I don't know who I could trust with this, which has made this so much harder for me personally, I guess thats why nearly every time I go to my counsellor I start crying, its where I off load.

So thank you again for your support and acceptance , thats all we want as human beings ....isnt it?

Best wishes

July

[Doolhof]

Dear July,

You are welcome. There have been moments in my life where I could have quite easily made the wrong choices and may well have ended up on the wrong side of the tracks so to speak.

I would like to think that I would be supportive of a friend or family member who was sent to jail. I have heard that the brother of an old boyfriend is in jail. I just feel sorry for him and the circumstances he found himself in.

Once again, I will say it must be very hard for the parents, family members and friends of people who are in jail.

Through the church I have heard of people who visit prisoners, but have never volunteered to do so myself.

It must be very hard and sad at the same time to not know who you feel you can trust and relate to regarding your son's situation.

Thinking of you, from Lauren

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning Donna

I don't know if you will get this before you go to court this morning but i wanted to wish you well.  I know your brothers sentencing is today and I am thinking of you. 

I have no idea how you are feeling but I can only imagine  based on how I am feeling about my sons sentencing on Thursday.  I imagine you are churned up inside and emotional. 

I want to keep my composure in court but I am worried that I will not be able to do this.  My friend who is going with me said not to worry if I don't but I want to stay strong.  If I fall to pieces afterwards then thats ok.

Luckily I will be busy then next couple of days.  I do feel a bit of a wreck but at least when it is over I will have my holiday to focus on.

 Good luck Donna, hang in there

Hugs

Anne

[A_Tech]

Somedays, I read these posts and I do just sit and cry!!!

I know that I am a good person, I've dedicated more than the last 10years to serving others in the operating  theatres of a trauma hospital, and for what?

I have post traumatic stress disorder that has taken over 6months of fighting, to finally been given approval for salary insurance, that I paid monthly premiums on for ten years mind you. I was bullied horribly by my manager (government job,too hard to prove anything) and eventually forced to resign.

My brother, the only one in my family that truly loved me for I was completely, warts and all, will now spend the most part of his life in prison for murder. I know I usually seem and sound so strong, but I have bad really some really bad days too.

I don't speak to my mother, I barely speak to my other brother, because they can't understand the pain I feel so they think I have a problem. Not them that feel nothing towards the son and brother they are supposed to love unconditionally.

After the phone call from the psychologist on Thursday I just couldn't take anymore. I've wanted t go to the site for the last two years since it happened, but my husband always talks me out of it. I know how much he loves me, but he doesn't get it. It's not about the crime or the victim, it's the place where my family and my life fell apart!!

I have to say, it stunned me that it wasn't an eerie ugly place. It was the the opposite. I found the river tranquil and calming, does that make me strange?

I just needed to see it, to feel it, to breathe it.

I saw him today but but didn't feel the need to say anything. I think it actually helped me to go there in some bazaar way. As my dad said, no matter how much my husband loves me, this is something that he will never really understand because he hasn't lived our lives. I found those to be the most comforting words I've heard in a very long time!

So here we all are, hanging in there by a thread on some days. Strangers that seem  to get far more comfort from each other, than from our own family and friends who find it all to 'overwhelming' for them to deal with. I wish I had that luxury!

Thank you all, my honest TRUE friends. You don't hide from me if I'm sad, instead you cry with me as I do with you.

At least we have each other xxx

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi All,

So sorry you are having such a hard time Donna, come here and vent anytime you like.

I attended my son's sentencing and was so glad I did.  He was sentenced along side his girlfriend which i was not surprised about. They have been partners in crime for a long time.  Both have very strong addictions yet they are very much in love too so feel that will always be together, but I feel they are bad for each other.

He got off extremely lightly, both of them got 3 1/2 years and with time already served will be out in 2.

I don't feel he has changed looking at his demeaner in court, his gf has tried with the help of Sisters Inside is making progress but my son has done nothing to improve himself.  His girlfriend has lost that haunted skinny drug look, has put on weight and is looking really good. Peter doesn't look bad either as they are both clean now.

It took a lot from me to get his attention in court and then he did wave and give me a smile but that was the only time he acknowledged me.  His gf sister and mother were both in court and he has a strong relationship with the sister, he paid them attention and on leaving waved good bye to them.  I didn't get a second look.

I kept myself together until I left the court room and outside in the hall burst into tears.  I said to the sister he doesn't want to know me but she said he is ashamed, not sure.  The sister gets phone calls from both of them and visits them so I now have her phone number and will keep in touch.  This will look good in my sons eyes as well.

I found it very hard to hear all the court room stuff, Donna I can't imagine what you have been through with a trial, I don't think I could have done that.

Donna stay strong, we are here for you.

July how are you going?

Hugs to you all

Anne