Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

Thanks it was hard sending the card but i'm glad i did.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she reminded me of what I said to P last time and that was I wouldn't go back and see him if he went back inside.  So hard to stick to.  I just want to go in there give him a big hug and say how much I love him, but i won't.  Evertime I went to see him it took a week to build myself up to be able to go, then it would take me a week to get over it, I only went once a month.  I also go the impression she doesn't want me to go to his court sentencing but at this moment I do intend to go.  She hit the nail on hte head 'I want to see him' and I think she thinks this is the only reason I am going.  Yes it partly is, I haven't seen him in almost 2 1/2 years of course I want ot see him, if it means I have to sit through court then I will.  It may be a public court but that doesn't matter to me, I want to see my son.

I did get very teary yesterday, the same as you, when mentioning my son the tears appear.

You are right we need to take care of ourselves and I am not doing that, I comfort eat and can't changer that, yet.

I have heard that saying before  and I felt last time I was being tested and I did pass so i ask why is it happening all over again, there is only so much I can take.

The message that I am getting is I have lost my son so why am I putting all this effort into him when all I am getting in return is rejection and pain.

 Sorry I am raving.  I guess I am still coming down from yesterdays psych session, never a good time for me.

Hope you are well.  And thanks for being here for me when you are going through hell too.

Big hugs

Anne

[July]

HI Anne,

Don't ever feel sorry for the things you say and do, we are going through a life changing situation, it is not easy to cope with all this, we have our good days and we have our bad days....... completely understandable .

We still have our own lives to manage as well, so I think we are doing the best we can under the circumstances and that's all we can do, but I feel your pain and anguish.

I had some good news yesterday , my youngest daughter (aged 25) told me her and her partner who've been together 5 years are expecting a baby, early days yet, but a little ray of sunshine in our lives ,she is telling her brother (my son in prison ) next week when we visit, she wants to tell him face to face to see the surprise on his face, he should be home for the baby's arrival so that will be nice for him to be involved with his new little niece or nephew, it will be our 3rd grandchild.

Life has a  funny way of sometimes giving you what you need at the right moment, so don't despair there is always something waiting around the corner ....you never know.

No matter what anyone tells you, you must follow your heart and do what is best for you, if you want to see your son....then go, you might actually feel better seeing him in person even if it is in court, it might ease your mind , think about it before you rule out any decision.

I wish you all the best, we are in this together.

Take care

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July

I don't think my physiatrist really understands what I am going through, it's been so long since I have seen my son and I want to see him. She tries her best but only we know what it is like.

Yes I am doing the best I can.  My arthritis is hindering everything I do at the moment so that is not helping.  I took last Tuesday off everything and with some it didn't go down well.  I usually go to a diet club then lunch afterwards with a couple of them, I was missed but I needed that day off to recover somewhat. I was looking after myself.

Congratulations on the new arrival, what wonderful news, I bet it gave you the boost you needed.  It will give your son a focus other than himself and hopefully will do wonders for him.  Give him a bit of normality to be involved in a baby, it might show him how fragile life can be. Nothing more helpless than a new born baby.

I am doing something fun today, a friend and I are going OP shopping, there is a huge Salvos depot that we are going to visit.  I would like to find a small coffee table, something unique would be wonderful.  I intend to do my best to enjoy the day. What fun looking for treasures.

I have no grandchildren as both my sons are single.  I thought P would be the first to have children but there is plenty of time yet.

I am trying to be upbeat and positive with the rest of my life but it is difficult when you have such stress and burden hanging over you all the time.  At times I do feel it is overwhelming and wonder how much more I can take so I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time.  Like now.

Hope you have a wonderful weekend planned.  I make cards so I intend to make some and keep my mind occupied. 

Until next time, take care.

Anne

[July]

Hi Anne,

Yes the news of the new baby is a happy distraction, well needed to give me something else to think about , my daughter is bringing her partner to the visit as well so they can both tell him the news together which is nice, he has been very supportive towards my daughter and myself, he is not judgmental and has been to visit my son before, its good for my son to have another guy visit to, they can talk about "boy stuff".

The salvos stores have some good little treasures, so I hope you find some bargains good to get a day out and relax and unwind.

Having grandchildren is so nice (although it makes me feel old)  as I still have an 11 year old son at home he was an uncle at 8 the first time, he is hoping for a boy this time, as the first two are girls but as long as the baby is healthy thats all we care.

Keeping busy is the answer, sometimes thats hard, during the day its ok I find at night time when all is quiet, my mind goes wandering about life and all the issues, but at least my sleep is not affected so thats good, a good nights rest is vital to feeling better and coping with stress.

My youngest son will start high school next year, and my son ( in prison) should be home all going well, about xmas time, it will be strange having both my sons living in the same house, be the first time, it will give them some good bonding time, there is such a huge age gap between them, the oldest being 33 the youngest being 11.

I'm hoping as my youngest boy gets older ,they will have a good brotherly relationship, I know my older son will be protective of his little brother, as he is with his sisters. Finally all the kids can be a strong family and support each other, thats all I want for all my kids is to have happy and loving lives.

Take care and I hope your card making is relaxing, talk soon.

July 

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July,

Feeling rocked and so emotional today.

I did have a good day yesterday, coffee with friends then another friend and I had lunch then op shopping, brought a butter dish, a 3 tea light candle stand with butterflies on it and small coffee table with two cane basket draws, fits all my junk only $25.  Was feeling really good then mum rang in the evening, she had been keeping a secret.

She wrote to P and asked him to write back to her to let her know how he is doing and he did.  A big long letter probably 3 pages as she read it out to me over the phone.  I barely held it together and when she hung up I shed a more than a few tears. 

He has moved while waiting for sentencing so that means he wouldn't have gotten my birthday card to him before his birthday, I hope they forward it on to him so he knows I am thinking of him.

He has lost weight and has been working out 6 days a week in the prison gym, terrific as he is a solid boy.  Mum must have told him about his cousins babies (the girl is one and the other a boy just turned 2 and Lib is pregnant again)  as he expressed his desire to have children with his current partner, who I have never met and don't even know her name.  He kept on thanking mum throughout the letter for writing to him and he sent his love to the whole family and said to say hello.  At the end he said to send his love to Michael and me, might sound paranoid but I hope he did and mum didn't add it knowing that is what I wanted to hear. He also said he would be there a few years so he must be expecting a heavy sentence, he has already been in 18 months so that will be taken into consideration.

I want a letter too, some small note would be ok, some contact any would do.   I am going to write a letter to him and I will run it by my psychologist Tuesday as I don't want to say anything that he may misinterpret , he has done this in the past.

I hope you are having a good weekend.

Anne

His letter to mum has really rocked me.  I must sound pitiful but don't know how much I can take, just when I start to feel on top of things something happens and I fall to pieces again.

The positive is he is doing ok.

[Doolhof]

Dear Anne,

I have been reading through some of your posts here. My heart breaks for you.

It seems to be that you really need to reach out to your son and that from what he wrote to your Mum he is needing you as well.

Maybe you could write two letters if you are able to emotionally.

Write one right from your heart, telling him everything you have wanted to tell him since you last saw him. Pour out your confusion, your hurt, your pain, all of your emotions.

Let out the tears, the anguish, the hurt, try and find something comforting to do and then when you have calmed down a little, write him another letter. The one that will help you to reconnect with him without so much raw emotion.

This sort of thing helps me. I have done it in the past and find great benefit in it.

You have mentioned often that you told your son you would not see him if he went to prison again. It is obviously and extremely emotional time for you, but if you don't go to visit him or have contact with him until he is released, how much of an impact is that going to have on your life?

Growing up I was involved in two car accidents. Even though I was in hospital both times and still living at home, my parents didn't come to hospital to see me. I had to find my own way home from hospital and I didn't have a car or licence!

Later on in life Mum was present for only one funeral for our babies, it was too hot for her to come and attend one of the others.

I requested help to leave my first husband as he was beating me up, but my parents gave me no assistance even at times my life was in danger.

I also asked for a loan of some money for some emergency surgery which I could pay back over three months, but that didn't happen.

Stuff has happened in my life that could have easily led to the road of me being in prison if I had continued. Thank God things never progressed that far.

I have always wished my relationship with my Mum especially had been different, but it hasn't been. She is still my Mum and I love and respect her because of that.

Where is this going? We only have one birth mother. Some of you are blessed with children. Neither can be replaced. I'm not discounting people who have been adopted at all, I am talking about relationships in general.

If I was you, despite the pain and anguish, I would contact my son!

Love and hugs to you from Lauren

[July]

Hi Anne,

Just reading your post brought up all sorts of emotions for me, I really think in my heart, you need to have some sort of contact with your son if not for him....then for yourself this pain will eat away at you, if he wrote to your mother then he is reaching out to family maybe he is unsure if he should write to you ...if he thinks you might not want this to.

He sent his "love" to you and his brother, no matter his crime he's your son and we all hurt each other at different times in our lives, maybe this is a sign for you two to reconnect ?, hopefully they will send your card onto him if not it should be returned to you.

This is understandably  painful and upsetting for you and I can truly feel your pain just through your words and I, of all people understand the dilemma you face.

Maybe this estrangement from your son is actually doing more damage than having contact with him, of course you have put up walls  concerning his past behaviour, but could it be time to let go of some of that hurt and allow some love and compassion to shine through , maybe you both need a "second chance"at this relationship.

In regards to your letter, just write it from your heart, let him know your feelings and your worries and what this has done to you, you both need to be honest with each other. I have written many letters to my son often in complete tears ,but sometimes its easier to write than say it in person, and he has written to me  and again I have cried reading them , but this is where the healing begins.

No one is perfect , but someone has to take the first step, take a leap of faith, he needs you....and you need him, I think no matter how old our kids are they need us, we are their mums for ever more.

I have struggled with my son at times in his life and there are many times where I could have given up..... but I rode out the hard times because my love for him would not allow me to give up, and now him being in prison he has thanked me for my persistence and constant love and support......maybe you should give your son the chance to witness your love and commitment.

I can just give my perspective, you need to look into your own heart and make the decision that best for you and him and I wish you the best as I know this road all to w

[July]

Hi Anne,

Sorry my post got cut off , I meant to say I know this road all to well and un fortunately we have to travel this one alone to find the answer ,but you will survive this and end up stronger.

Take care of yourself 

July

[July]

Hi Lauren,

So glad you are having some input, it is good have different  points of view and I whole heartedly agree about Anne having contact with her son, I think the time is coming for some resolution, such a difficult situation, there is no one "stock standard" answer for this.

But holding all the pain inside is no good for anyone and we are all guilty of that at times in our lives.

Your parents sound so similar to mine, very detached emotionally, maybe its our generation..... you are told to get up and get on with it , but look how what worked for them, I was never close to my parents or felt loved by them , I am glad our kids can talk to us and confide things.

Each generation has made their mistakes, hopefully we live and learn but  to deprive someone of love and nurturing as my parents did, had a profound effect on me and I'm still dealing with childhood issues now.

And I can see you have risen above it, so thank you for your encouraging words to this thread.  

All the best

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi Ladies,

I drafted two letters to P, one was emotive and talked about the pain I feel the other was more upbeat.  I showed my psychologist yesterday and she believed the emotive one was not the way to go, I agree, so we took the best parts out of both and I will send it today.

Lauren and July sounds like you have had tough upbringings, mine wasn't all roses either but in some small way I knew my parents loved me.  Mum was emotionally unavailable and dad was always working.

I did let out the tears yesterday, I completely broke down. I am really struggling with life atm and this business with P has nearly done me in.  I feel if I push with P I will alienate him altogether and that is the last thing I want to do. 

I still intend to go to his court sentencing and hopefully he will see that as my giving him support rather than my wanting to know what is going on with him.  I hope he sees it as positive and not negative.  He seems to see my steps to reconnect with him as negative.  I can't seem to do anything right in his eyes but that could also be the drugs talking. 

Anyway I will send the letter today and see what happens.

Wish me luck

Anne

I was in the same boat as you Lauren in that my ex-husband was abusive, my parents knew but didn't intervene, I don't think they new how or what to do.