Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

A grateful thank you for making time for me. This is especially despite your own vast pain & struggles. That means a lot, dear friend...

Despite everything, you’re still choosing to be here for me. I think that speaks volumes about your beautiful, loving & generous nature...thank you.

Your reassurance is heartfelt & compassionate. I understand what you’re saying, & I’m touched & grateful.

But it’s just that I feel in times like now, I should be supporting you, & less so the other way around. That said, I’m thankful for your presence here & for your continued love & support, lovely friend.

Your very early wake up must have been hard this morning. You sounded as though you were really struggling... your mind must have been feeling so unsettled, worried & scattered. I imagine that your anxiety must have been, at least in part, to do with some of your recent trauma & other struggles...gentle hugs...

I’m glad you’re feeling a little more settled now though. That you’re getting temporary relief.

I know that you may/may not wish to share your feelings right now. But just know if you ever want to unload anything, I’m here listening...no obligation or pressure though. You have a friend in me is all I’m saying 😉

Yes, even peaceful feelings are impermanent... I think it’s inspiring & moving that you’ve been practising sitting with your emotions 🙂

I completely agree that most of us just want to feel better, & that it’s human & normal to want that. But at the same time, I think it’s that same human nature that can backfire if we try to speed up the “feeling better” process prematurely...a time & a place for everything...

It has been a rough time, my friend, for various reasons. Someone I loved passed away early this year, so that has been an adjustment & process...

Work is stressful, & I often feel the signs of a headache as soon as I enter the office (laughs). But the presence of friends, both offline & online, is something that I’m grateful for 🙂

Yes, I’m familiar with mountain bread. Thank you, that is an impressive & creative shortcut recipe! Love it. It sounds delicious & doable (even for me).

How is your week looking? Do you have any recipes you plan to test, or good books on your reading list, my friend?

With gratitude...always caring about you & sending you well wishes of safety & comfort.

Thank you for choosing to be my friend...you’re in my thoughts & heart.

Much love to you xoxox

[Birdy77]

My beautiful friend,

I am so very sorry to hear that someone you loved passed away very recently.

I am sitting here with you and am listening carefully to you if you would like to talk about any of your feelings.

If you don't, i will sit here in the silence with you.

It is very recent and raw for you beautiful friend, no wonder you are having plenty of opportunity to practice the ebb and flow as you negotiate all these feelings and emotions.

Please know that i am here for you, that i am thinking of you, and am holding you very much in my heart right now.

Your friend,
🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you for holding space for my feelings, my friend. For being here, for listening & caring.

In a way, it’s okay. It’s still hard but acceptance comes easier to me these days than it once did...

If water is one of the greatest teachers of impermanence, human passing is also a great teacher... of both permanence and impermanence...

We held the ffuneral, but I want to also have my own private ceremony. Maybe I’ll buy flowers or something. Not sure yet, but I’ll figure something out...

I’m sad, but I also accept that sadness. After all, why fight it? That never does me any favours in the long-run...

I don’t necessarily want to feel better, but I also don’t want to feel worse. I just want to feel what I need to feel in any given moment in time. That is where I need to be...

Again, thank you for being here. I know that you care very much, & that means so much, dear friend. I’m blessed. Really and truly.

But I also want to hear what is going on with you. To know what is going on in your world...

Whether it’s your feelings, your cooking, your books, your family, anything you wish to discuss, etc...how is birdy doing?

With love & in friendship xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hey gorgeous friend,

It's absolutely the best thing for you to do, let yourself be right in whatever sadness/numbness/disbelief/brokenness/anger/acceptance-feelings, allow yourself to just let them run their course.

As you wisely said, there is no use to fighting them. They need to be felt, and felt fully.

Just be really gentle with yourself as you go through whatever spectrum of emotions that present themselves.

I think it's a really beautiful idea to have some sort of personal and private ceremony. Something that is personally meaningful to you and the one you loved and still love. I think it can be an important step.

I am thinking of you very much and, in spirit, sitting with you in your sadness and pain.

In a book i was reading yesterday or the day before there was this description of a physical manifestation of emotional pain or grief, and i foubd it really poignant, but decided that i would remember what page it was on and didn't mark it down. I am going to try find it and share it with you, it was only a few words, but i could relate to it, and sometimes it's conforting having words written by another to know your experience is understood.

The 5 min gozleme (or "The Speedy Gozleme" as it has become known in our household) is sooo doable-by-Pepper. You wont be disappointed. You can prepare it beforehand, pop them in the fridge ready to whack in the frypan when hungry.

I am reading a novel called Where'd you go Bernadette, which i am finding very readable and entertaining, it's a light read, I'm enjoying having a few laughs from it. I am looking forward to a re-reading a book a read years ago called Inglorious, i came across a copy at an op shop, i remember it being funny but dark, it will be interesting to see of i enjoy it this time round, you know how where you're at in life can affect your take on things? Are you reading anything at the moment?

My tomatoes copped a hammering in the latest massive rains, but the zucchinis have loved it and are growing like Triffids along the fence. I finally opened the spiralizer i purchased, and made zucchetti or zuchuccine or whatever, it was pretty yum, cooked up in olive oil garlic and chilli.

How are you feeling today?

Much love ❤

🌻b xo

[Birdy77]

"Pain, like a pinecone unfolding, seemed to blossom beneath her breastbone."

(In the novel Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout)

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so very much for being with me & sitting with me, my friend. Being here with me means a lot, so I’m grateful & blessed.

Yes, feelings, so many feelings...sigh.

I think difficult emotions always finds a way out eventually. It’s just matter of when...weeks, months or years later. Your feelings will find you.

I’m intrigued by that excerpt about the physical manifestation of emotional pain. It clearly moved you...those painful emotions lodged in your heart & body that someone else finally found words for...as you said, there’s comfort in mutual understanding.

I’m happy that you’re getting lots of reading done. I recall you’re an avid reader 🙂

Where’d you go Bernadette sounds like it’s bringing some much needed laughter & light into your life. For that, I’m happy...

Yes, it will be interesting to see how you feel when you read Inglorious again. I completely agree that our interpretation, relatability & enjoyment levels of books can change. A book that we once related to deeply can later leave us feeling disconnected (& vice versa).

Your zucchinis are doing well, but I’m sorry about your tomatoes. Yum, I love zucchini pasta! I think sometimes the simplest pastas are the tastiest.

I’ll have to give the Speedy Gozleme a go some time. Easy & tasty!

Sigh, my heart just feels broken. I think the best way to describe is there’s a new crack in my heart.

Sometimes I wish that I could hug my heart. Seeing as I can’t do that, I put one hand over it & apply light pressure. It’s comforting...

Today, I spent a few hours feeling slightly disoriented & scattered. Physically present, but emotionally vacant. Dazed.

I was very tempted to walk into a bookshop today & demand all their books on grief & loss, as though there is a “cure.” I didn’t do it though.

Sigh, I know it doesn’t work like that. It’s something you work through. No overnight cures or magical remedies...

I finished reading a book called Rabbits for Food a couple of weeks ago. It’s a little sad & a little dark. It’s about a woman who is admitted into a psychiatric ward. There are some sharp observations about people, family & relationships in the book. I really enjoyed it.

How have you been holding up this weekend, my friend?

I know you’ve been feeling very drained & have, no doubt, been processing other emotions too. I hope reading, cooking & your zucchini harvest has comforted your weary heart a bit...

Thinking of you & sending love & care xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I just saw your post with the quote from that book:

Pain, like a pinecone unfolding, seemed to blossom beneath her breastbone.

That is perfect.

Yes, that is what grief feels like to me.

Thank you...

For that quote...

For making time for me, despite your own pain...

For going to the effort of finding that line in a book....

For being my friend...

Just thank you...

I love that quote...it really is perfect. Just what I needed. Thank you.

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello beautiful friend,

I understand exactly what you mean when you said you felt disoriented and scattered, physically present but emotionally vacant. You described that very well. I wonder if that happens sometimes as a mode of survival. When it has all been too painful, a way of giving ourselves a break, in a way.

I saw you post that you got through the day yesterday, and that in itself is a huge feat. Well done.

Just get through this moment.

Then this one.

Then this one.

Keep breathing in and out.

Hold your hand to your heart as much as you need to.

It's amazing how holding your hand to your heart really can feel comforting, sort of holding the pieces together so they don't shatter all over the floor or something. I guess it's a bit like the principle of applying pressure to a wound, to slow the bleeding and aid the healing, keeping the torn parts held together so they can knit themselves back together again.

Is it a doona day? Can you snuggle down with a movie or a book, or some colouring, or some sketching?

Rabbits for Food sounds very interesting, i looked it up, they don't have it at my library, but i found a 2nd hand copy on World Of Books this morning, so i bought it. I am looking forward to that, it sounds really good.

Where'd you go Bernadette was really good for the first 2/3, then kind of fell flat for me, but it was generally just a light and fun satire, sometimes something light is just what we need.

My weekend is going ok, very quiet. It's raining, so i might start a new book. I have a big eggplant i need to ise soon, so i might make imam bayildi this afternoon, and bake some bread - yes i think that sounds good, it sounds comforting to me, maybe shift some feelings of stuckness I've been having this morning (groundhog day style).

Thinking of you.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for you deep caring, empathy, insight & warmth. Your support & friendship means a lot to me.

I care about you very much & always want good things to happen to you...always wishing you well from my heart...

You sound a little flat, my friend. I get a feeling that maybe under the “stuckness” is emotional & physical exhaustion. Perhaps even some confusion too.

You’ve been through so much recently...accumulated troubles. I’m thinking of you & sending my blessings
& well wishes...

I think you’re right that sometimes emotional disconnection is a form of self preservation. Temporary respite &/or to stop us from being consumed by difficult emotions...

Your pressure to a wound analogy really resonated with me. Thank you, my friend. What you said was beautiful...achingly comforting.

I didn’t have a doona day. I spent most of my Sunday with friends, but in an emotionally absent way. Disconnected & vacant.

I was speaking, they were speaking, things were happening, there was movement...but I mostly just felt detached.

At sunset, I looked up at the sky & witnessed majestic rings of pink. Normally, that would have elicited an emotional response in me. But yesterday? Nothing.

Sunday felt very surreal. I felt as though I was in a waking dream.

I think that I have been living life as though I was on a scale. A scale that I kept balanced, regardless of my struggles.

But my scale had always been precariously balanced. Fragile. Recent events finally tipped the scale.

I hope you enjoy Rabbits for Food 🙂 It’s a shame your library doesn’t have it, but I’m glad you found a copy anyway. It’s a little dark, & the protagonist isn’t a happy person, but hopefully you still get something out of it.

But other times, a light read is just what our hearts need. Where’d you go Bernadette sounds as though it did the trick, or for 2/3 of the way 😉

I looked up imam biyaldi & it looks delicious! But more importantly, I hope making it brought you some comfort, & shook off a little of that Groundhog Day, feeling.

Did you end up making imam biyaldi & baking bread?

Also, did you end up starting a new book?

I care about you very much. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. It can be lighthearted or it can be very serious (or a combination). As I often say, you have a friend in me. I mean that. I really do, my friend.

Hugs, love and comfort to your beautiful self xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello gorgeous friend,

It is absolutely perfectly natural for you to ferl the way you did yesterday when you were out with your friends.

To be there, but not totally "be there" is totally normal. Your heart and mind are working on a different plane right now.

I am glad you went out with your friends, just to allow that little outlet of normality or something. But i am not surprised that you were elsewhere in reality.

Even seeing that beautiful spectacle of the pink rings in the sky - with no emotional response. You're in survival mode right now. But you recognised it was there, which is positive, but i think you're busy processing a lot of stuff right now and there's limited energy for other things.

It's absolutely ok and natural, and i hope you can keep the reins really loose for a while to come.

Being accustomed to keeping things in precise and precarious balance, it must feel strange - but this is how it is right now, and you will see this through.

The lessons you have been learning and the practice at reslience over the last year have been leading you up to this. You have your own back here ❤.

I did make the imam bayildi and i made a baguette to go with it, i think the process and the baking helped my feelings yesterday. I didn't feel on top of the world, i mean, it wasn't revolutionary, but it simultaneously gave me some peace and some firward movement and sort of shifted some irritation or something.

You are absolutely right, I'm as flat as a tack at the moment. Tired of a lot of stuff, and feel like I'm going in circles.

I treasure your friendship very, very much, thank you for always being there and being such a beautiful support. Really.

Much love ❤

🌻b xo