Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

What a lovely weekend you had. Very relaxing & self nurturing. I think your reading, gardening, movie night, etc were great ways to engage in self care, plus I’m happy that you spent quality time with mrs b 🙂

On the less happy side of things, it sounds as though golden boy has gotten himself into legal troubles. It sounds serious....

I imagine he’s causing considerable stress for multiple family members, including you & mrs b. I think it’s wise that you’ve set up your mil’s debt repayment in a way that means he won’t be able to dip into the finances...smart move...

I’m curious about your thoughts on the irony of the importance of family of origin?

Thank you, I didn’t see them again on the weekend. I’ll see them again this week though, which will be nice. We’re planning to go to an arts thing.

I had some family commitments last weekend. I also have some this week...

Thank you my friend, I think it’s my nature/temperament to reflect. That’s just how my brain works, I suppose...

You know how I am. I tend to see most things in shades of grey, & sometimes even yellow & blue 😉 Degrees & continuums...rarely “absolutes”

I’m trying to learn to manage my unresolved issues/old wounds these days. There’s a reason why every ex of mine was emotionally unavailable, unreliable & had a lot of unresolved past trauma...

The common denominator was me...while I didn’t directly cause their long standing issues, I certainly knew how to find and attract people with certain issues...

None of them were “bad” people, but because they had so many of their own troubles, they couldn’t possibly be there for me or function healthily in a relationship. Same could be did about me.

I don’t blame them, & I’m not angry at them for how things unfolded...those relationships were all doomed from the start.

For my part, it’s my responsibility to deal with my own stuff. Just as it should have been their responsibility to deal with theirs. But us together? It was toxic...

I’m trying to deal with me. I’ve promised myself no dating or relationships till I feel more stable...or else I’ll be this ball of toxicity..

Thank you for your very encouraging words, & for being here for me. It really does mean a lot, especially when I know you have your own struggles & pain.

Did you end up going to the beach, and how is your garden looking after an intense day of gardening on Sunday? You can talk about anything you like. Free rein 😉

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello my friend ❤

I am so sorry i haven't come and replied earlier. Ihave been a bit of a mess this week. I feel like I've been spiralling down, and haven't felt on top of things at all. New week tomorrow, new leaf for me.

I am wondering how your week has been - you said you had some family commitments, i hope that all went well. Did you have your catch up with your new friends and was the friend there that you missed last week?

Your post made a lot of sense, and i can relate to relationships where we attract or seek out those with particular issues, based on our own old, unresolved stuff.

Do you think sometimes (not always) it can be seen as our higher selves seeking out "teachers" (those challenging us) for us to learn the lessons we need to learn? Or are we trying to fill a hole or heal a wound that has been left there from our younger days?

I think you should follow your heart about when is the right time to get back into dating or a relationship, but keep that heart open, just in case, please? Mrs b was not ready for me when we met, but I guess she must have kept the heart open at least ajar, thankfully. Because you just never know, my friend. You just never know .

Love you.

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

There’s absolutely nothing to apologise for, dear friend. You take your time with things...it shows your beautiful nature that you’re here despite your own pain...thank you...

Would you like to share what has been causing your spiral, dear friend?

It makes me feel sad to hear how much you have been struggling...I know there’s little that I can say to help, but as always, I’m listening & you have a caring friend in me.

I understand that you may not wish to elaborate, but if there’s anything you want to share, you know I’m here for you. I hope things improve next week...

I think romantic love & relationships are so complex & diverse. Who knows what the future holds. I think it’s nice to be hopeful, but I also truly believe that not all of us will meet someone that we truly connect with, & even if that happens, things don’t always work out or you sometimes even end up with different people...I don’t think that’s an uncommon story...

You & mrs b are lucky though 🙂 I’m glad she kept a part of her heart open, & that you found each other. Also, that the two of you now seem to share the same vision for the future.

What the two of you share is beautiful, romantic & special...but I also know that’s not on the cards for every person on this planet...

That being said, thank you very much for your words of comfort. I know it comes from a place of love & caring, & for that, I’m blessed & grateful, my friend 🙂

Do you think sometimes (not always) it can be seen as our higher selves seeking out "teachers" (those challenging us) for us to learn the lessons we need to learn? Or are we trying to fill a hole or heal a wound that has been left there from our younger days?

My answer is I’m not sure but most likely a combo of things...

Thank you, I think family commitments are just family commitments. I don’t necessarily always enjoy them but filial piety, duty, etc plays a role...

I did see my new friends, which was nice. Sadly, the same friend was unable to make it, which was a bit of a shame. Hopefully next time though 🙂

Do you have any self care plans for the upcoming week? Ways to help you turn over new leaf?

Thank you for making time for me. It really does mean a lot. Sending love, comfort & friendship to you & your gorgeous family.

Love you xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello friend ❤

I absolutely agree with you, that a long term relationship like i have found is not on everyone's horizons.

I'm sorry if it seemed like that's what i was saying, but it's not what i meant. I kind of meant the opposite, like: keep open to the endless possibilities. I didn't meet mrs b until my early 30s, and up til then i had been in some other relationships, one of which was super toxic, another you could call unconventional, and when i met mrs b, i was thinking I'd probably go it alone from there on, like a few of my friends have done and are doing. Mrs b came out of the blue. I know there are all sorts of different ways of being - I just meant you never know what's around the corner.

It's great that you get to meet up with your new friends so regularly. Was the arts thing good?

I meant to say btw that i loved that quote you left about cooking for others as an act of love & nurturance. I really loved that. I did a bit of that yesterday, as mrs b & i had a rough day or so which culminated in an argument (family issues). Cooking for her & preparing food i recognised consciously yesterday as an act of healing & love, & thought of that quote you left. So thank you.

I have not been taking great care of myself the last couple of weeks, reaching for the bottle as an escape from some anxiety etc. This time of year is hard. So anyway, I'm making some conscious steps to reset some bad habits & reintroduce some healthier ones. This mirning i got up half an hour earlier & did some tai chi out in the garden before starting my day. So that is one new leaf for today (also i loved your growth quotes from today).

How have you been feeling, and do you have any nice plans for the week?

With love,

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I am listening & I am here for you. If there’s anything else that you want to share...I’m here, listening & caring..

I’m sorry to hear that things have been so strained & rough at home. I remember that the Christmas period was a difficult time for you last year too...I feel for you, my friend...

Also, I know arguments with loved ones tend to be very painful...it must hurt your heart to argue with Mrs b...

Although I’m glad you were still able to show your love, as well as help yourself heal, through your cooking. I think it’s moving, & I’m very happy that the cooking quote resonated 🙂

I think it shows your resilience & determination when you made the decision to get up earlier to practice tai chi. A new week, a new leaf. Well done, dear friend...I feel very proud of you 🙂

Sigh, I understand the lure of the bottle. You reach for your bottle because of your spiral & anxiety, I reach for it because of pain. No wisdom from me, just understanding & empathy, my friend. I get it...

I completely agree with you that the future is unknown, & yes, we don’t know what will be around the corner. What an unexpected & beautiful blessing was & is Mrs b 🙂

I think it’s not easy for love and the right circumstances and sharing common long-term goals to align...it doesn’t always happen, but it seems to have aligned for you & your beloved, & that is its own kind of wonderful 😉

It has been a rough time for me. Just carrying around pain. Grief, heartbreak & other unresolved issues...the past has a stranglehold of sorts on me.

When you grew up a certain way, it changes the way that you see the world...there’s a void in me. This insatiable hunger or heaviness...my heart often feels permanently broken...

Also, not having really learnt to effectively self soothe or manage my own emotions, I’m now trying to teach myself but don’t always do it very well...

Thank you, I enjoyed the arts event, & may have had a few too many drinks. The friendships have been nourishing, & I met some interesting people too. But I also know that there’s a part of me that likes being around others to avoid dealing with me sometimes...

I know it’s early days get, but have you noticed a difference in mood by practising tai chi again? Let me know how it goes...

Do you have any plans for the week, my friend?

I hope you’re being extra kind to yourself during this difficult time...

I’m thinking of you & sending warmth and care...

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear lovely friend ❤

Your pain and sadness was palpable in your latest post. That heaviness in your broken heart, i could feel it as i read your words.

I can imagine that carrying around that heaviness is very, very tiring. You are really brave and amazing the way you keep living your life, going to work, taking care of yourself, supporting your family & fulfilling the obligations there, making time for friends & doing soul-nourishing things each week with your arts events & community project, & supporting so many here on the forums on a regular basis. What a wonderwoman!

But i can hear your pain and your sadness. I am always listening to you when and if you would like to unburden any of that sadness here.

The way you described the past having a stranglehold on you really resonated with me. I can relate to that feeling very much, and you have described it perfectly. Do you have any particular strategies to self soothe that you are working on?

I find this time of year really hard, it used to be such a fun time, and now there are big gaping holes - they tend to feel so huge with raw edges at this time of year. You know that love we were talking about a while back, which has nowhere to go anymore? So we channel it elsewhere? Those big absences are almost tangible for me during this season.

My tai chi has felt really nice, and i think it has helped me, starting the day feeling grounded, and pulled-together if that makes sense. I had a much better week this week, went out on Friday night for drinks at the neighbours house which was fun, had a dance 😀

How has your week and weekend been my friend?

Thank you for your love and friendship. It means a lot to me.

With my love,

🌻b xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you for your loving words of encouragement & warmth, beautiful friend 🙂

Thank you for making the choice to consistently be here for me.

For making time for me.

For being so uplifting & nurturing.

For trying to understand me, even if I don’t always make it easy.

Most importantly, thank you for being my friend.

I know I’ve said this at least a million times, but friendship isn’t a pure coincidence, it’s an active choice & it’s time & effort...like most things in life. So thank you for choosing to be my friend, again & again 🙂

This time of year sounds awful for you. I feel your sense of longing, loneliness & heartache. Perhaps even grief & loss. An emptiness...someone or something who “should” be here but is not...

You’re a gorgeous soul with so much to give...but as you said, you don’t know where to put that love, & I feel your pain, dear friend...

On self soothing, I love to wrap a big blanket around myself. A literal cocoon. Turn off the main lights & leave only fairy lights on & listen to music.

Otherwise, I find most creative media to be helpful. I channel some of it into art & dance. Dance is an excellent outlet for pain...whole stories can be told that way.

That said, I also gravitate towards wilder things that happen in big cities. It’s a way for me to drown out the pain. Loud noise and chaos is comforting for me, because it deafens the pain...too much quiet & the pain becomes too loud.

What about you, my friend? How do you self soothe?

Would you like to share more about why this time of year is so painful for you? No pressure though...always listening though...

I imagine tai chi is one of them. It makes me so happy to hear that it’s nourishing you. Also, drinks on Friday sounds as though it was just what your soul needed. Dancing too? A winner of a night 😉

Last week was an emotional week. Some issues in the family, which hasn’t been so great. Luckily my colleagues managed to make me laugh.

I already have met the love of my life (or one of them anyway as I don’t think there’s only 1 person out there...7+ billion people). Met him about 5 years ago.

I don’t want to get into it but we want different things in life. Irreconcilable differences. Love isn’t always enough...

So...I meant it when I said elsewhere that I don’t believe we all necessarily end up with the one/s we love the most. But life goes on...such is life...

I’m thinking of you & sending warmth...

With love,

Pepper xoxox

[Moonstruck]

Dear Peppermint....you said something that is so true...but few realise it until later in life. In fact they go through years thinking just the opposite...but "Love isn't always enough"....you are right my friend.

You asked if we wanted to share why this time of year is so painful for us? I posted (probably too much) my pain on my thread "Christmas - with Anxiety/Depression".....with some also in another "Christmas 2019 ...what are you up to? " in the Social section.

I can't go deeply into the reasons why it's so painful, dredging up horrible memories...it's like PTSD symptoms. My children (now grown up) and I suffer every year...no-one understands.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely Moon (& a wave to all),

What can I say, lovely Moon? Thank you very much for understanding...

Romantic love is hard. It’s really hard.

Meeting a Great Love but for things to not work out is its own kind of pain...it’s like dangling a carrot stick in front of you, but it’s not yours to keep...not really...

See, the thing is I think it’s not just about love, it’s circumstances, it’s timing, it’s long-term goals aligning...its so many things.

Then there are people who meet their great loves when they’re already in other relationships, like my relative that I mentioned to you...granted, he ended up with his Love, but it came at a huge cost.

For the lucky ones, if love and compatible circumstances and common future goals all align, they have a good shot. Even then, there are no guarantees, but at least there is a lot of hope under those conditions...

Christmas sounds painful for you & your children...it sounds as though it’s a very re-traumatising time for you. I’ll have a read through the Christmas threads that you mentioned...

In the mean time, I’m thinking of you and your children during this difficult time of year

Love xoxo

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend ❤

So sorry to hear you had a difficult week - family issues can feel ever-present at times, i can empathise and i really hope things calm down in sine way for you soon. You have people who care deeply just a click away, here on the forums if ever you need to offload, need a listening ear, or some comfort. And i am always here for you.

Thank you for sharing a little piece of your journey of the heart. I can well understand what you have mentioned and i really feel for you and the complex feelings that are maybe entangled there.

I have one, maybe two of those stories in my life. One is fresher, i met the most gorgeous man very shortly before i met mrs b. I fell hard. For various reasons it wasn't going to work out for us, and he was with someone else, the stars were never aligned for him and me. Who knows what's in the future, but for now i know i love and commit to mrs b, and without diminishing that love, i still have strong feelings of care for my guy. There is another older story too, but without going in into it, i want you to see that i do understand.

Moon has said that her story about why this time is so hard is too painful to share, and i completely understand that. I feel that way as well. It feels so raw that if i start talking about it, i wont be able to contain the hurt. When it already hurts so much. I might say more.

Re: self soothing - i loved picturing the blanky cocoon with fairy lights and music. I love fairy lights and soft lighting of any kind, lamps, candles. Main lights can be so blaring. Is there any particular music you are loving at the moment?

And yes i can totally understand the call of chaos and noise in the city. I sought that very thing, periodically, until quite recently. I used to be drawn to the wildness, the loud music, the vibrating dancefloors, the lights, the darkness, the unpredictability. I felt it had a cleansing quality to it, whuch feels invigorating. But definitely also for me a distraction to what's going on inside.

My soothing strategies at the moment lean more towards the beach, the garden, cooking, tai chi ... grounding activities at a slower pace i guess.

Speaking of the rewards of slow living - i have my first cucumbers forming now, having planted a tiny seed weeks and weeks ago. Also, very excited to see the tiniest baby mandarines growing for the first time on the tree!

Love,

🌻b xo