Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so very much for choosing to be here. I really do mean that, lovely friend. I’m grateful & blessed 🙂

Your pain around this time of year sounds absolutely heart wrenching. I imagine there’s a certain fragility around it.

It’s okay, my friend, you don’t have to talk about it...I get that some things might be too painful & raw to discuss...you take gentle care of yourself...if you ever feel like talking though, but no pressure, I care very much.

Thank you for empathising. I love chaos. Yes, I absolutely do use it to drown out the pain, but I also genuinely love it too. I hold that contradiction...

Your grounding activities sound wonderful for you. I suppose the important part is it speaks to you. I know how much you’re nurtured when you nurture your garden. Precious moments...

Congratulations on your baby cucumber & baby mandarins. It must feel so rewarding to watch things grow, & to know that you did it! You’ll be able to experiment with so many fruits/veggies in your garden.

Thank you for understanding & opening up a little, my friend. It must have been heartbreaking to have loved someone who was with someone else. I feel that kind of love can be very painful...

I think that your love & commitment to Mrs b is warmth. You two have something that you understand & that she understands... I think there’s a certain tenderness & beauty where you can hold space to care about your guy, without it diminishing your love for Mrs b 🙂

Sigh, I think that there’s a good chance that I’ll always love him more. It’s possible to be with 1 person, but your heart still loves another more...

That sometimes maybe people end up with their 2nd or 3rd or whatever choice, because loneliness has us chasing/accepting someone we don’t love that much (& being forced to accept reality). By “we”, I really mean “I” & “me”...I don’t mean this is your situation at all, but this is exactly the kind of thing I do...I’m talking about me.

He’s going to be a hard act to follow. I don’t think anyone in my personal life has come even remotely close, whether it’s other exes, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc...there’s just something about him...

He gets me, & he has a certain brilliance...

But it doesn’t matter. Love isn’t always enough...if it was enough, I wouldn’t be writing this.

I have been listening to Someone Like You, Adele (laughs).

On a more interesting note, what are your plans for the week?

Thinking of you.

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hi gorgeous friend,

Is this part of the heaviness/brokenheartedness that you carry around every day? I imagine it would make up a part of it at least.

Before i met my guy, i had reached a point where i thought i might go it alone through my 30s and beyond. Met him, fell hard, but knew that being with him would completely not work and would end in many many tears if we tried. I let any hope of a relationship go, without relinquishing my live for him.

Then i met mrs b, and fell for her. It was rocky at the start (very) but eventually it all started to make sense between us, and we started creating our love.Years later, my guy contacted saying he was ready for me. Arrgh! What the??

Do you dream about your man? I dream about both of mine, frequently.

Do you hold out hope for anything in the future or is it an impossibility?

Only answer if you want to, just ignore otherwise, totally understand.

Ha ha, listening to Someone Like You by Adele. That is funny (and sad). Fittingly, Something Just Like This (The Chainsmokers/Coldplay) has been on my playlist today. True story.

Love you

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b,

In the foreseeable future, it’s an impossibility. We want different things in life, & sadly, it’s not something that we can compromise on.

I don’t dream about him, but I do think about him.

Sometimes I feel hearts do their own thing. It must have been painful letting go of someone that you loved so deeply.

Missing or grieving someone who is still very much of this world is its own kind of pain...his timing was way off. I can only imagine the feelings of torment & pain when he contacted you again...but by then you had Mrs b...

I think something beautiful has been nurtured by you & Mrs b. You built a life together, & have clearly overcome many obstacles. I recall you have called her your soulmate multiple times...

Something Just Like This? I wonder if you found that life & love, as per that song, in what you have built with Mrs b?

Dare I ask...don’t worry, no need to answer me if you don’t with to 😉

But I did realise something today when I was reading about a social enterprise that is turning used plastic bottle caps into prosthetic limbs...you know what?

If all else fails, I can channel some of my pain into something much more constructive than a literal cocoon, Someone Like You & fairy lights...I don’t mean necessarily that enterprise, but I mean contributing to something beyond my own immediate struggles & immediate world.

As for any future relationships (not any time soon as I’m rather attached to my blanket cocoon), this sums it up.

I think of it as romantic realism:

My desires in relationships have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me & never leave me. I need someone who understand sometimes life happens & things don’t always work out...

I need to be able to go 5 hours without talking to you or feeling lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much stronger with you. I want us to grow together & help each other grow individually.

I don’t need you, but I want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this & this is how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a really good shot.

- unknown

Or perhaps more succinctly, I suppose they quote can be summed up as saying I will try my best for as long as I’m committed to a relationship. But that I cannot truthfully promise “forever”, because things/circumstances/people change. But while it lasts, let’s do our best 🙂

Love you too xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend ❤

I have no doubt that you will channel your love into something bigger beyond your adele/fairylights/blanky cocoon. You already are, just by being you - your care and compassion that you show to people who come to bb is an example. You are a passionate, intensely smart and creative person and i have the feeling that you bring that to all you do.

I can understand the thoughts and feelings behind that quote you shared. None of us know what is around the corner and circumstances, feelings everything can change.

How has your week/weekend been?

We're staying home tomorrow, we are surrounded by fire and they keep having to close the highway, it's too risky that we'll get stranded if we travel so we called the whole thing off! Yippee!!

My brain has turned to mush. But i will come back and talk to you soon. I am always listening and interested in what's going on for you.

Love xoxoxo

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you, lovely friend, for your very supportive, loving & encouraging words.

It means a lot that you choose to make time for me, even when you have your own troubles. Thank you so very much, dear friend 🙂

I can hear your relief that you didn’t have to visit certain people on Christmas Day. That side of things worked out for you 😉

But I do worry about how close you are to the bushfires. How has the fire situation for you been the past couple of days, my friend?

You sound maybe tired or drained. How have you been feeling?

I know sometimes words don’t come easily when you have things going on in your life, but you have a friend in me if you ever feel like chatting (no pressure but just know that I care a lot).

My week has gone quickly. I spent the 24th & 25th with various family members. Then I mostly just did light chores today, which was tedious & dull.

I have plans later this week with some friends for a belated celebration with them. I’m trying to figure out what to food to bring. Either something that I will buy or something very easy (& fast) to make.

I have been thinking about the year ahead. 2020. I want to make some changes in my life. Figuring out how to become the person that I want to be. I think that side of me was always there; it’s just a matter of bringing it to the forefront.

I am never going to fit the mould of a lot of norms...all the supposed “shoulds”...but maybe that’s okay...maybe I have something different to offer.

It’s not necessarily better or worse, but just a little different. Not sure what it is yet, but it’s something that I’m working out & working on...

Recently, I realised that I felt most like myself when I was taking a stand for something (offline)...something bigger than me & bigger than the people in my immediate world. By challenging others through taking a stand for something bigger, I felt a spark. Something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

Something is stirring...not sure what it is yet. Not even sure what I’m doing (laughs), but I believe it’s a process that is starting to take shape.

I’m thinking of you & your beautiful family and sending warmth. How is your week looking, my friend?

With love xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello my friend ❤

I likd hearing about things stirring for you, and that you are looking towards different things for 2020 and making some changes that are meaningful for you.

I will come back and talk more with you, i just wanted to check in.

We've had no power and no phone connection since Tuesday. The fires have been devastating around us. We are ok.

How are things with you? Are you able to have a nice break from work?

Love 🌻b xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

It’s so good to hear from you. I’m very, very relieved that you’re okay, but the devastation near you sounds alarming and frightening.

I know there might be roadblocks and things like that, but do you think maybe you would consider evacuating for your safety if you got the chance? E.g. staying with friends who live in a low risk fire area for a while.

It’s just that you sound as though you might be in a high risk area...maybe evacuation might be something for you and your family’s safety. You’re all precious and I want you to all be as safe as possible.

Thank you, yes, I have some time off work. Thankfully, we have the annual office shutdown that happens during the Christmas/NY period, as is the case with many offices 😉

It has been rough, but I had the most incredible, and unexpected, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I was celebrating with some of my friends for the NYE countdown to 1 Jan 2020. We then continued that celebration well into 1 Jan...

It was really special to be able to share that experience with kind and inspiring people. Sharing experiences/regularly spending time together is my dominant love language after all, even if it’s platonic love 🙂

It has been rough, but I’m looking forward to 2020. A new decade. A new era. Change is on my mind.

I also realised that I’ve always been subconsciously searching for role models to show me what living a non-traditional life looks. It’s because I really struggle to relate to people who pursue more traditional lifestyles and have more traditional mindsets.

But that’s okay...they can live their lives and I can live mine.

Someone recently said, people don’t know how things could be done until they see it. So maybe I can be that person.

Maybe I can show people around me what it looks like to thrive when you don’t want to follow more traditional paths in life. To show them that it’s possible and that there are many alternative paths to meaning...

Here’s to 2020, and the tone that I wish to set for the new decade can be summed up in Ariana Grande’s Dangerous Woman 🙂

Here is to change. Change is going to happen because I’m going to make it happen.

What are your plans for the week, lovely friend?

I’m here if you ever wish to chat, light or serious and everything in between. Free rein, as always.

With love and wishing you and your family safety most importantly xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend ❤

You sound pumped, ready for change ... "Locked and loaded, completely focused"!
You go girl. Blaze your trail. Write your own story. Be exactly who You are ❤

So happy to hear that you had an amazing time with your friends ringing in the new year! So unexpected, so extra special. What a wonderful way to start the fresh decade! With inspiring people - your tribe maybe.We sat out on the front porch in the dark (no streetlights, no houselights, no stars or moon because of the smoke, just candles in jars) and watched firetrucks race by. An eerie NYE.

Thank you for your care and concern. We are in no immediate danger right now. All day the traffic has been crawling north, tourists have pretty much been ordered to get out of here. Now the roads are clogged and even if we wanted to leave, they have just had to close the highway again, so we're trapped anyway. Worse comes to worst, we head to the ocean.

I am relieved to have just heard from my nephew who lives nearby but in a much worse affected town, we lost touch when the phones and power went down. So many have lost everything - 90 homes lost in a nearby village. Scary times my friend.

Had to bury one of my beloved hens a few days ago 😔 i held her and talked to her as she passed, i hope she enjoyed her life here.

I am sorry to hear you have had a rough time leading up to your wonderful night. I am always listening if you want to unburden.

I don't have any plans for the next little while, feels chaotic around here. Just taking it day by day.

So happy to hear your awesome mindset for the new year.

Let your light shine 🌠

🌻b xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful b,

I’m very, very sorry for the loss of your hen. I know how heartbroken you must be...you’ve always had and have so much love and compassion to give.

I bet her life with you was incredible. Living under your love and care, she couldn’t have asked for more, my friend...

Things sound very serious where you are. What an eerie NY for you...NY or not, what is happening is heartbreaking. So much loss...

I’m really glad your nephew is okay, and that you were finally able to make contact with him. Waiting must have been excruciating though; the uncertainty and fear of it all...I can only imagine your relief...

I’m sure you’re aware of this anyway, but maybe keep an eye and ear out for any announcements about roads re-opening during the night/morning?

You’re probably doing this anyway, but maybe also have your bags packed and everything ready. So if there is an opportunity to evacuate, you just need to grab your boys & hens, & you & mrs b would be set to go?

Sorry, I don’t mean to be bossy, but I’ve read about the warning to evacuate high risk areas in your state before this Saturday (I’ve heard about high temperatures, amongst many things)...

Please be safe, my friend. I really want you & your family to be okay...

I know there’s nothing that I can do, but I’m holding my hand out to you in comfort. Each time, I gaze up into the sky, I try to ask that you & your family will be okay...I did that today. Not sure who I was talking to...the universe maybe...

Thank you, as always, for your love and support. It moves me that, despite everything, you’re still checking in on me. You’re a very good friend...

Yes to new beginnings in 2020, my friend. I’m thinking of you and sending love...

Much love and sending blessings of safety and protection your way xoxox

[Birdy77]

Hello my friend ❤

I just wanted to send you a short message to let you know that we are ok for now

I can't manage much more than that at the moment, i am feeling very drained.

We are preparing for a tough day tomorrow with the weather, but hopefully not as bad as last Saturday. That day was truly terrifying.

Thank you for your friendship and support.

Hopefully talk soon.

Take care of you.

Love,

🌻b xo