Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Birdy77]

Hello lovely friend ❤,


Please tell me about the dancing!!  I am itching to get out and dance soon.  The boys have developed a very irritating situation in which they think when it's mumma's dancing time, that it's their cue to go nutso and ruin everything.  So i *may* have to find a new venue other than the kitchen ☹

Have you been listening to any particular music lately? I often don't know what I'm listening to. I'm listening to something nice as i write to you, souvenirs by kina grannis.

Please tell me about the art thing!!  It's been ages since i went to one.  It used to be a regular thing for me as well, and i even had the chance to help organise and host a few.  Ihave been missing those days a lot recently.

I think i really truly understand what you are saying about feeling like when you make those connections, you feel more connected to yourself!  I think you said that really well.  I read it three times and it clicked into a hellyeah.

Self care lately has been low key - getting into my garden, reading some, watching a few movies.  I need to do better with the self care, I've been running myself a bit ragged and drinking a bit too much 😔.


So nice chatting to you.


❤❤❤


🌻xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

It’s always lovely to chat with you. A true blessing 🙂

As always, I’m holding my hand of friendship out to you. Always listening and caring...you sound drained and down, dear friend.

I know you’ve been struggling for some time. But especially considering recent events, I can see why you’re hurting & turning to alcohol...I feel for you, my friend...

I think low key/relaxing activities can be great. Nothing wrong with that for self care. I feel as long as it nurtures you, that’s what counts..

That said, you also sound like maybe you’re feeling more ready to make changes...maybe spending more time away from home in the future...I sense a strong desire for change in you, or alternatively, to rediscover past passions...

I love your enthusiasm/passion for dancing. Picturing your boys disrupting your kitchen dances gave me a little chuckle...it’s probably less amusing for you than me though 😉 I’ll tell you more about the dancing when I go...

Thanks for sharing. I looked up the song you mentioned. It’s lovely, & there seems to be a story behind it...I wonder if maybe you related to it? Or perhaps you just liked it, just because...I recently discovered CeCe’s Never Be. I suppose you would call it a power anthem. I really liked it.

The art thing was in a big gallery. It was pretty crowded, & they had an okay band playing & were serving overpriced drinks. Sadly, they were not free...then again, it was probably a good thing for someone like me. I still bought a few though...

I met some colourful personalities. A couple of the attendees and I got along. So we have agreed to catch up later this month & early next month. I think socialising/friendships are a big part of my own self care. It nurtures me...

About deeper connections, I think it’s that whole aspect of being seen (and seeing someone else). A reciprocal, I see you. It doesn’t matter about the specific relationship...family, lovers, friends, etc...it’s that connection....

Not one sided, but something that works both ways....that mutual acceptance, understanding & caring.

When it’s only one-sided, that’s not a deep connection in my eyes. I feel it can be empathic & supportive at best, but even then, there isn’t that mutual connection.

I have been thinking about things. I’m often feeling stressed and down, but managing in my own way....

How have you been the past couple of days, & would you like to update me on your gorgeous garden?

Love,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Beautiful friend ❤


The 2 quotes you left yesterday (?) on the words thread were *exactly* what i needed to read. I've read them and read them and kept them in my heart and mind and it has been so supportive to me.  Thank you so much fir sharing them ❤


I will be back, just wanted to say that I've been thinking of you and missing talking with you.  I hope you are taking good care of your lovely self.


I'd love to hear how the catch ups went with the new people (from the art thing).  When are you going dancing?  I really relate to that feeling of "i see you" ... and sometimes that *being seen* can create a feeling of depth or resonance with our own sense of self i think.  You know when you're singing in a space with awesome acoustics and you get rich feedback and a feeling of how you fit -  as opposed to singing with headphones on and it feels empty, or you're putting it out there with no sense of how it really sounds?  If that makes any sense.  


It's been a difficult time in our household, it's actually been realky yuck. But with a few shifts (energy shifts, shifts in thinking/feeling) the last few days have been better and i/we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  


I looked up that song, i agree it definitely sounds like a power anthem!  I love adding new songs to my playlists, so thank you! Don't You Worry Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder just popped up on my playlist, so that will be a good song for me to start cooking dinner to now 😊 (and i *think* I've retrained the boys in their dancefloor etiquette 🤞so i might be safe to let loose)


The wind is going crazy here, it's scary!  


Thinking of you.


❤


🌻birdy xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

I’m happy to hear those 2 quotes resonated. I thought of you when I stumbled upon them, & hoped that they might comfort you a little 🙂

I’ve missed you too, but I understand that sometimes you need your space &/or that there are times when words don’t come easily. I get it & it’s okay, I love you all the same, my friend 😉

I’m listening & holding out my hand to you. Things sound really rough in the birdy household, but I’m glad the air is maybe clearing a bit.

Hope is really beautiful & precious...there’s obviously no pressure, but just know if you ever want to talk, you always have a friend in me.

I loved the analogy you used! Yes, I’m looking for friends who can offer that reciprocal acoustic space 🙂

The catch-up was mixed. I now have someone who is into the art/design scene. But her emotional skills are lacking, which makes me wary.

I already have friends with poor emotional skills. While that might be okay initially, it ends up being problematic in the long-run.

So, I’m happy to hang out with her but I don’t see her becoming part of my inner circle (which is really the circle that I hope to fill over the next few years). My outer circles are full/thriving (i.e. don’t feel a true connection), but it’s that inner circle that is lacking...

I’ve also met some people that I’ll call the Party People. They help fill a void, but I wouldn’t turn to them for much else...

I’m more hopeful with a few of the others though. 1 is accepting with a big heart. Another seems to have well developed emotional skills: high emotional intelligence (enormous tick!) The 3rd person has a real desire to help out the community/give back in a broad sense...I admire his compassion/outlook. So I’m keeping those 3 in mind, and trying to spend more time with them.

I mentioned this to another forum member...till very recently, I accepted almost anyone into my offline life. I truly mean anyone.

Anyone who gave me a silver of attention, good or bad attention. Never mind incompatibilities, toxicity/ dysfunction or that I secretly disliked some of them. Hence why discernment is so important now.

Thanks for being a true friend. For being the accepting, inspiring, compassionate, insightful, intelligent & caring person you are. What a blessing is it to have you in my life 🙂

I hope dinner/dancing turned out well the other night. Did the wind end up damaging anything (hope not) & how is your weekend looking, lovely friend? xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello Gently Peppy..

How are you feeling lovely one?...

I read elsewhere that you would like to feel not so alone..and I’m deeply sorry that your feeling that way...

I am wondering if it’s okay with you...if I could give you a big hug aa well as some love and care...

I just wanted you to know dear Peppy..that although I cannot be their with you...I do love and care so much about you and I wanted you to feel not so alone...

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” — Hafiz of Persia..

Please dear friend...Be very gentle and kind with your beautiful, gentle and tender heart....

Sending you a big bunch of Lilly of the Valley flowers..with a pure white teddy bear with words written on a very soft green velvet four leaf clover..........”Super soul warming hugs..hug me when you need to feel some love and not so alone 💖..”..

Kind thoughts....love and hugs..💖🤗.

🍀Grandy..

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (& a wave to all)

Aren’t you lovely? Thank you so much for your beautiful post. It means a lot that you’re here...

Of course it’s okay for you to give me a hug. Can I offer you a gentle hug in return?

I love flowers, so thank you for the gorgeous gift. The bear sounds precious and comforting too. I love how I get unlimited Supersoul hugs from the bear. Thank you so very much, gorgeous one 🙂

Sigh, I’ve been feeling emotional. A combination of contemplative & sad but also resentful & angry...I think I’m trying to make better decisions & gradually break bad lifelong habits when it comes to people in my life...

Sorry, I’ve a bit of a rant ahead...I hope it’s okay for me to get some of it out. It’s not directed at you (or anyone else here) but just expressing some of my feelings..

I think if most of my (offline) people were to be swapped for a bunch of other people, I wouldn’t really care. That I wouldn’t really miss most of them. That I’m actually indifferent to most of them.

That my 1st thought would probably be “oh no, who will now help me fill that void/pass time?” rather than “oh no, I’ll miss them for who they are”...because I wouldn’t miss them.

I think this is what sometimes happens when there’s a lack of discernment, lack of self respect, lifelong bad habits, poor role models & not knowing what you want. Also loneliness...anyone is better than no one, right? Right...? But is it really?

This was basically me in the offline realm: good/bad attention (any attention) and they were welcome in my life. Use me as their emotional dumping ground. Take from me and offer nothing in return. Always make everything about them. Be self serving & self absorbed. Be an emotional leech. Etc, etc.

Because anyone is better than no one, right?

I suppose my point is that discernment is important. Really important. I only recently started to truly grasp that...

But, I don’t blame them. I blame myself for my current predicament. I’m an adult and I make my own (though often bad & questionable) decisions...

So I’ve now amassed a large group of people in the offline realm that aren’t necessarily the best people for me. But I want this to change.

I’m working towards change because this is actually getting ridiculous. It’s almost comical, but in a completely unfunny way for me...

Thanks so much again for caring and for listening (& letting me rant) You’re a sweetheart with the kindest of hearts.

Hugs and much love to you xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Peppy..🤗. And everyone 🤗...

Im pleased you vented..it helps us in many ways..by getting it out of your head...

I would have said a few years ago what you said...anyone is better then no one...In my opinion.... lovely Peppy...that’s so wrong...anyone could hurt you by their words or action..a friend would never do that..or anyone could bore you with their conversation and if I know you...you wouldn’t say anything and you would then be counting the ticks on the clock for anyone to leave...a friend..you would enjoy your conversation with and don’t want the time to move ahead....

Thinking on what you said..I feel that having friends...who are not really friends but really just acquaintances is okay if they are thought of that way...with respect for them and general conversation....It’s hard to get close to someone that you don’t feel a connection with...

Friends are different...They are there for you no matter what..one or two good trusted friends is a blessing to have...and are lifelines to us...giving us stimulating conversations, nights out with laughter, mucking around and being silly together and giggling....with no fear of judgement for each other.....True friendship has no boundaries...I feel these are the people to keep close to your heart....

Please dear Peppy be always true to your heart and not let people into it and let them use you......You have a very gentle and kind heart and are a very compassionate person....and I think its hard for you to say no.....Hmmm..I’m not one to advise on friendship in r/l I have 1 friend Betty... To me she is worth more then any amount of people in a social group.....I’m sorry Peppy if I’m speaking wrong to you.....

Im pleased that your working on the change you want for yourself..I can hear a bit of self love/like is popping through in your words...I’m very proud of you....for your insight into what you want to change in your life...and your determination to try to do it...🌹..

Hello Birdy....I hope your doing okay sweetheart...You’re also very much loved here....and if it’s okay with you as well...I would like to give you a very gentle warm caring hug 🤗.....

Sending you both my love and some warm hugs....💖🤗🤗..

Grandy.....🍀🌻...

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (& a wave to all),

Thanks for the lovely words of support, lovely one 🙂 Thank you for your heartfelt, loving words.

I think that I’m more just over it, drained and resentful than anything else when it comes to most of the people in my offline life, For me to feel hurt, I would need a much stronger emotional attachment to my many offline Void Fillers and offline Emotional Leeches.

But I’m not actually that emotionally attached to any of them. They’re not in my heart but just orbit around me, either drawing upon my emotional reserves or just helping me to fill a void/take up space.

I think my offline Void Fillers still have a place in my life though. They do exactly as the name suggests...they help distract me, help me feel a little less alone and pass time. I don’t trust them, don’t expect them to be there for me, don’t feel a connection with them and I certainly don’t tell them my innermost thoughts or troubles. Nevertheless, they help me...they help me temporarily fill a void, and that counts for something...

I’m happy you have your precious friend. She sounds like someone that you can count on and share many moments with...what a beautiful friendship. I’m glad you have each other. You sound like treasures in one another’s life 🙂

Sigh, I’m just over it. The search continues for those genuine connections...who knows, maybe if I find those connections that I crave, I might finally want to spend less time with my many offline Void Fillers.

But I’m also a tricky/difficult person. It takes a lot for me to feel truly connected to a person...

Thanks for being here. For caring and reaching out...thank you...

Much love and care to you xoxo

[Birdy77]

Precious friend ❤

I'm glad you vented. It's good to get that stuff out.

I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I think i mentioned to you once before that when i reached my early 30s, i had to start ending "friendships" for the exact same reasons you have stated. I just felt so emotionally drained & like these people sapped my energy, or more accurately fed off it. It simply gets to the point of *enough is enough* doesn't it.

I think it's often a sign, as you said, that you're ready to start breaking those toxic lifelong habits that we developed due to our woundedness. Maybe developing a little more self-respect?

I don't know if you can relate to this, but i think for me in lots of ways i put up with those relationships because they made me feel needed or worthy or something like that, so i just kept pouring myself out without keeping anything for myself. Or without recognising i was worth my own care. Or something. Can you relate to that?

I completely understand your feelings of resentment and anger around these issues. Sometimes i think that it's necessary to feel those intense emotions in order to instigate the changes that are needed in your life right now.

It's so good that you are realising how much this is taking from you. You deserve to be discerning when it comes to who is in your life. You deserve people who are respectful of your energy, & your boundaries, & who provide that awesome acoustic space within the relationship, not just draw your energy into the endless back hole of their own self-absorption.

It sounds like there are at least a couple of potentially good people to be around from the mix you have had catchups with. See how it goes, take your time with it.

It's cool that you've offered to help out with the project the guy has in mind (the community minded one), that could lead to meeting other like-minded people as well. You're being so proactive, it's excellent.

I'm so blessed to call you friend. You're a special one.

❤❤❤

🌻birdy xo

Thank you Grandy for your always lovely words and for sending a hug 🤗 xo

[Peppermintbach]

Darling friend/beautiful birdy (& a wave to all),

As always, a heartfelt thank you for your compassion, support & friendship. I truly don’t believe in taking people, who make time out of their lives for me, for granted. This is especially when I know how much you’re struggling.

It means a lot that you can relate. I’m with you that part of it stems from how I’m developing basic self respect. It sounds like you gave & gave, to the point where you could give no more...complete depletion. I feel that would have been so exhausting...

I think sometimes the desire to feel needed can drive people to do all sorts of things...but I’m so glad that you learnt to take care of yourself. That you learnt to choose friends wisely, even if that lesson had to be learnt the hard way...

I think for me, I was just so grateful (& surprised) that anyone would give me the time of day. That anyone would bother with me (regardless of whether they truly cared or it was driven by self interest)...that I thought that I just had to accept it, because why on earth would anyone take an interest in me?

I think that’s not necessarily the best combination when combined with my somewhat extreme/intense nature. By extreme, I mean that I don’t do things by halves. When I care about someone, I care about them all the way. I would walk to the ends of the earth for people that I truly care about, in all seriousness.

Some people might think that I’m senseless & completely ridiculous, but I actually don’t think my way of being is (necessarily) a bad thing. I think it becomes an issue when I choose the wrong people to share that side of me with...and that is precisely my problem...

I get that yet others might want me to change that aspect of myself. But, I don’t want to...that would be asking me to basically not be me.

...not just draw your energy into the endless back hole of their own self-absorption.

I loved how you worded that. It made me laugh...

I think that I’m looking for certain attributes and possibly a few people who are just as “extreme”/intense as me. They seem a little hard to find...

But I have met some new people. Time will tell how with how things unfold...

A warm hug, thank you, as always...really and truly. I’m very lucky to be able to call you my friend. What a gift in life...

How have you been, lovely friend?

I know things have been rough. No pressure but just know, you always have a safe space & a friend in me if you want to talk.

Love to you and mrs b xoxox