Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Ggrand]

Hello gentle Peppy,

I have this very strong desire/urge just to pop in and say hello lovely friend...and to remind you how beautiful and special you are...and to be always true and loving to you..

Your heart is gentle and your so sweet.....I just wanted you to know that...🍀🍀🍄💜🤗🤗..

Love and soul huggly hugs💜🤗🤗🤗🤗.

Grandy👼..

[Ggrand]

👋 💜🕊🍃☘️💐🌝.....

RUOK. Special friend....?....

Grandy👼....

[Birdy77]

Hello Friend,

I am sorry if I have upset you.

Your friendship I value very much.

I have loved talking with you over the past months about so many important things.

Please take good and gentle care of yourself.

I'm thinking of you.

With love.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Hi lovely people,

A grateful thank you for the care and support. As always, I really do appreciate all of you.

Gorgeous Grandy: what a tender and caring post. Thank you so very much for putting a smile on my face.

I’m accepting all your love and soul hugs 🙂 You’re very generous.

I have been struggling, so things haven’t been easy. But it means a lot that you would visit to ask, and leave such loving messages for me.

Much love to you and I’ll be sending some blessings to you over the Christmas period xoxo

Dear friend/ beautiful birdy: I would like to start by giving you a warm hug, my friend. Please be reassured that I’m not upset with you...

Although I’m now worried that I’ve accidentally hurt your feelings somewhere along the way (have I? You can tell me if I have...) Is it okay if I ask what makes you think that I’m upset?

I too treasure your friendship. Your friendship means a lot to me...really and truly. I value your wisdom, deep compassion, tolerance, patience and insight. I enjoy our conversations, and gain immensely from them.

I’ve just been having a rough time, and sometimes when I’m struggling, I don’t feel like talking about myself much, so I can be a little unresponsive at times. Please know that has nothing to do with you; I absolutely do value your presence, how you check up on me, your warmth and caring, etc.

I just sometimes retreat into my cocoon/cone when I’m struggling. It has nothing to do with the beautiful people (like you) around me, and everything about my own coping...

I have a lot happening in my offline realm at the moment. I’m very depressed, but that’s like a lot of people on these forums so I’m not unusual or alone in that respect. I’m teary most days and am increasingly attached to my alcohol...in short, things have been rough...

I think of you often, and wonder how you’re doing. Speaking of which, how have you been, dear friend?

I know this can be a particularly difficult time of the year for you. No pressure, but I’m always here to lend an ear if you want to talk. I am here for you, and I want you to know that. Sending extra blessings to you during the Christmas period.

Thank you for being the beautiful person and friend you are...

Love you xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend ❤

Thank you so much for your very warm and reassuring post.

I feel bad that you may have felt pressured to reply to me because if what I wrote. I completely understand about retreating to your cocoon when you're struggling - that's what I do as well, and normally I would never think that your silence was anything other than you doing what you needed to do.

I simply misinterpreted something, and then went ahead and read something between the lines that didn't exist. You have done nothing wrong, and I am glad I was mistaken.

I am sad to hear that you are having such a very difficult time. Broken-record time: I am always here to listen if you feel like talking about anything at all. I genuinely care. I understand not fancying talking about it. Getting it all out can help though, even just to unravel it for yourself (possible freshperspectives can help too, I know you know all this - just reminding you).

Of course I can very much relate to the increasingly close relationship with the booze. I've been doing the same. Funny how wine o'clock comes around so much earlier these days.

I am dreading tomorrow! I am currently cooking (posting on the forums is classed as "currently cooking" isn't it?) so that we have something to eat tomorrow.

I am trying hard to stay in the moment today and I know others have it way harder than I do, but I can't help projecting myself forward just a little bit, which is dumb because I have to actually live it tomorrow.

Why put myself there early?

Why not enjoy the lovely breeze coming through the door into my kitchen, and the blackbird who is singing a beautiful song on his special branch outside the window that he always sits in? Why not laugh at one of my little fur-bubbas who is currently dragging his blanket all the way from his bed inside to under the tree down the end of the garden so he can simultaneously lay/chew on it?

I've blabbed on about me. But thank you my friend, it has helped me today.

Please blab on about yourself on my thread at any time!! I may actually post there later, I am feeling the need, my anxiety is simmering nicely (see? cooking? ... that works?)

I would love to hear anything that is on your mind, and if not, that's ok.

Love you too xo

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Hi to all you lovely people,

Dear friend/beautiful birdy: You’re always most welcome to talk about anything you like here, my friend🙂 To vent, unload, share insight, etc.

I’m glad you let out some of your frustrations, worries and stresses about Christmas here. By the sounds of things, it helped to unload a little, for which I’m glad that you felt safe to do so here.

Also, please don’t think you pressured me into responding. I made the decision to reply, and I’m happy that I did. Please don’t even worry about it 😉

Sigh, I think it’s infinitely easier in practice than in theory to stay in the present. Anxiety is, after all, rooted in the past (ruminations) or the future (fears and worries).

I don’t think you consciously “chose” to project yourself one day ahead. I don’t think anyone does. I think that just says reflects the nature of anxiety, rather than anything about you as a person. You’re incredible and inspiring 😉

I hope now that Christmas 2018 has been and gone, your emotions have maybe settled a little. If not, I get it too, and hope at least you have been able to allocate time to activities and people that nurture you e.g. spending time with your beautiful partner, trying a new recipe, going for walks along the beach, spending time with your animal friends, etc.

Sometimes I wish that I was a little more like you (and less like aspects of me). You have an infectious warmth and ability to appreciate the daily wonders in life, whereas I’m...I’m...whatever it is I am?

I can appreciate daily beauty, but only to a limited extent...there’s always this nagging sense of wanting something more (except I’m not even sure what this inexplicable “more” is). All I know is whatever I have is not enough, and I’m not talking about material things..

There’s a yearning for something more interesting, something more challenging, something more meaningful, something that stimulates both my mind and senses more...but I’m not sure what...

Anyway, thanks again for being you. As I said, you’re always welcome to talk here. Sometimes I feel sad that I don’t have a friend like you in the offline realm...next life perhaps as the saying goes in my native tongue. Although it doesn’t quite sound right when translated into English...

I truly do care about you and your wellbeing, and am here for you. Also, thank you so much for the offer to talk on your thread. That means a lot 🙂

Is it okay if I ask have you been feeling the past couple of day?

Love always,

Pepper xoxox

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend ❤

This first sentence has taken an age to completr because I just cannot find the right station/playlist on Spotify to suit my mood & I keep having to change it. Lucky for me, that is about as much stress as I am up against today. So today is a good day. (Oh & a song I really like just came on, Hell to the Liars by London Grammar. Life is going well!).

Thank you my friend, I have been having some nice chillaxing days for recovery .... have you? I hope you've been able to kick back a bit & recharge. You have had such a rough time of it lately, I hope you are taking good care of you. Have you been able to get to the beach?

I totally understand that feeling you described of wanting something more in life ... I have that feeling too sometimes. For me, it sometimes feels like I haven't yet started my real life, or a version of that idea.

I think I said something about it to SN, like I sometimes think to myself "I wonder what life will be like when I'm a real adult? I wonder what I will do with my life when I grow up?" Like, seriously. Better get a wriggle-on.

I don't think this is quite what you were talking about, but I can relate to the feeling of there must be more to it all ... I want to tap into that moreness. (Like what I was saying another time to you about getting in my own way, stifling my dreams & such). My brain is pretty fuzzy so I'm probably making zero sense, sorry, but I still felt like writing to you. If only we could sit on the deck and shoot the breeze with a drink in hand.

Maybe this feeling, for you, is partly a side effect of all the diluting that you do ... the shrinking of yourself. So that in lots of ways, there is so much more right there, in front of you, or inside of you, that is not being tapped into. Because you smother parts of your supernova for the sake of others. So it leaves you wanting, always wanting. ...

Like, within you us this awesomely amazing, rich and complex elixir that has magical powers for astonishing miracles, but each moment only a tiny bit of the elixir is being allowed to be poured out & it is mixed with water. The potency of this elixir and the phenomenal marvels that it is capable of is always right there, available, if only the elixir was enjoyed in its fullness. You, the holder of this magic, are subconsciously aware of the bigger awesomeness that could be experienced if the elixir was allowed to be poured out in its pure form.

Or something like that.

With my love xo

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Dear friend/beautiful birdy (and a wave to all of you lovely people),

I’m very pleased to hear you’ve been resting and nurturing yourself, my friend. You sound more settled. More grounded.

It sounds like the past couple of days spent recuperating have had a positive impact on you. For that, I’m happy for you, dear friend 🙂

Thank you so much for being here for me. I’ve been having a bit of an emotional time. A lot has (is) happening offline, which has thrown me a little (or a lot)...Yes, I did manage to spend a day at the beach. I find the beach healing, and I know that many others feel the same way about the beach.

I don’t know what it is I’m missing, but I rarely find the same (or even a similar level of) comfort in actual people. I suppose maybe it’s exhausting trying to communicate with people who, even if you talk to them till you’re blue in the face, just don’t get it.

So I don’t even bother most of the time anymore. It feels like a futile exercise that leaves me feeling disheartened and very frustrated...

I think that I get what you mean by wanting “more.” Don’t worry, you make perfect sense to me (assuming I’ve understood you correctly?)

I do wonder about your goals/dreams. Needless to say, you don’t have to share if you don’t want to, but I’m always here to listen and support you if you ever want to talk about it. If not, that’s completely okay too or course 😉

Sigh, yes, I think you’re right about it being partly being a dilution aftereffect (side effect?). Thank you so very much for making me smile with your incredibly beautiful words. I like how both supernovas and thunderstorms are untameable...I find that quite liberating.

I suppose part of what makes me hold back is a fear of loss. A fear of losing people in my offline realm who wouldn’t know what to do with me. Then again, it probably says those people weren’t the right fit for me to begin with, and vice versa...

I figure maybe I just need to do my own thing. Invest in activities and causes that speak to me, and I’ll hopefully cross paths with more like minded and exciting people...people who won’t find whatever it is I am too intense or too overbearing...

Sending you, your beautiful partner and your non-human animal friends my love and blessings for the new year 🙂 Speaking of 2019, what are your nye/ny plans (if any, I know some people don’t celebrate it)?

Love always,

Pepper xoxox

[Ggrand]

Hello sweet gentle Peppy,

Im just laying here on my uncomfortable not so soft hospital bed, thinking of you and am wondering what your up to today.....

I hope and wish so much that you have a wonderful day planned for you with lots of nice things that you like doing..maybe another day at the beach, walking along the shoreline collecting unusual shells, watching the little crabs scarring away into their little sand homes...oh maybe theirs a pelican floating and bobbing up n down on the ebb flow of the waves and water.....Seagulls flying overhead looking for some little fishies or scraps of food left but beach goers....Can you hear the sound of the ocean, the distant hum of those huge open sea waves...or can you see where the sea reaches out to touch the horizon...So much wonders at the beach.....and peaceful sights and sounds...I love laying in the sun with an iced water and feeling the warm healing sun being absorbed into my skin....oops when I read you went to the beach I imagined I also had a visit there..thee Mind is so powerful darling it can take us anywhere we want to go.....

I really do hope that you find some people who have your interests dear friend...I could never see you as overbearing at all dear Peppy...?Being passionate about your beliefs is something that I really look up to you for...Youre a very smart and intelligent woman peppy , please don’t change or try to tone down for anyone....

I’m sorry if I rambled on, I just wanted to talk to you and your conversations with Birdy are beautiful by the way....I can see a beautiful friendship here..your both beautiful and amazing people who understand each other, and that’s Gold...

I hope you day is a good day, regardless of what you have planned Dearest Peppy....please enjoy it the very best you can darling...you to Birdy please also enjoy your day....

Sending you all lots of gentle caring love 💜💜 and some warm soul feeling hugs 🤗🤗..

Grandy👼..

[Birdy77]

Dear Friend ❤

It really sounds like you have a lot going on & it doesn't sound fun. I'm really sorry this is happening for you right now. If you would like to get anything off your chest I am here listening, always.

It sounds like you're feeling quite alone, even though there is a lot going on for you. Not having someone you can talk to & have them "get it" is frustrating and lonely. You don't have to do this alone, you can unravel some of those knots here if you ever want to. Just as you said to me, I truly care about you & your wellbeing, & want to be that friend to you that you can talk to freely.

I do understand your fear of losing those around you, even if perhaps they're not your perfect fit. I think you will know what to do & when. Sometimes these people serve a particular purpose in our growth, or are there for some lesson for us to learn ... & sometimes the time comes where the universe lets you know that it's time to move on, or let go. You will know.

If you do your thing, persue those causes & passions that speak to your soul, you will no doubt meet people who are more suited to you & are wanting to share the journey with you. I guess at that time, it may feel less frightening letting go of old connections & severing ties with those who hold you back.

From what you've been saying the last few months it sounds like that time may be approaching. But remember to be gentle with yourself, & maybe recognise that this may be a transitional period in your life. You may be preparing to begin a new phase, but there is no hurry. I've read some empowering words by Nancy Levin around this idea, she calls it making a graceful exit, & urges us to "honour the space between no longer & not yet".

I really hope you are taking care of yourself during all this emotional upheaval and taking steps to protect yourself & your energy from those around you if they are hurting you.

Spending a day at the beach is a beautiful example of you doing that, & I'm so pleased to hear you took yourself to that healing & calming place. I hope you are able to do it again soon.

Plans for NYE are as follows: dinner on the deck, beverages, listening to music, just mrs b, the doggies & me. Do you have anything planned?

Love you.

🌻birdy

Grandy, the message you wrote was so beautiful, I imagined being on the beach with the lovely word picture you left. Thank you for your loving words. I am very lucky to have made a wonderful friendship with Peppy. You are a special soul Grandy xo