You sound really tormented my dear sweet Pepper;
And; so very, very hard on yourself. You wrote;
'Except...I sometimes fight with myself rather than "for" myself. Always that internal conflict...'
You and I are driven by the 'idea' of perfection. Our reasons and processes are individual, but the desired outcome's the same; we want to feel in total control. Both these ideals are illusions, and spurred on by delusional thinking that says we 'can' attain perfection and control 'if' we're this or that.
So, we cause harm by berating ourselves, self abusive practices with food or pushing ourselves and others over the limit. Just like your grandmother's words pushing you for bigger, better, faster or grander.
She could be the 'other' voice in your head arguing with the beautiful, intelligent, 'enough' and real you.
Not long ago, you and I had some very poignant and loving discussions. I admit, it scares me a little, but as the old saying goes; 'If you love someone, set them free. If they return, it was meant to be. If they don't, it never was'
As I love you and you're here P-girl, I feel a responsibility to offer my advice. I'm sorta smiling waiting for your (talk to the hand girrrl) rebuff. However, it's the same advice you've given me in the past; please take a break, be kind and gentle with yourself.
Allow yourself to just breath, lots of uplifting graceful music, and maybe go for walks and force yourself to smile at everyone you pass until you laugh.
Instead of creating a picture, maybe go out, buy an ice-cream and be part of the picture in your neighbourhood. One of many characters in a simple scene.
You never know, you might just see me waving from a bus.
Much love...hope I'm not talking to the hand. ;-D
Your friend...Sez xoxoxox
