Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

Thank you for the beautiful, gorgeous gift. I know it means a lot especially when it comes from something so personal to you.

Although I'm slightly confused and would like to ask you to elaborate more please...

Love you dearly,

Pepper xoxoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dearest Sez,

Please explain...I'm so confused. I feel as though you're rejecting me/pushing me away even though I don't think that is necessarily what you're saying.

I want to be here. I value our friendship immensely. You mean so much to me. I have to admit that I feel hurt...

Love you dearly,

Pepper xoxoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Sorry, the last one was probably a bit harsh. Although I stand by wanting to be here and valuing our friendship.

I guess I'm just confused because all 4 can be interpreted in so many different ways that it's hard to know what you're trying to say...

So...what are you trying to say?

Please....

Love you; Milky Way, arts and all

Pepper xoxoxoxoxo

[blondguy]

Hi Pepper

Always good to talk with you especially with the TLC you provide to many people that are doing it hard

I just read Sara's post above and from what I understand she is being kind and offering you a gift in her own way

I have read her post a few times now and I see kindness....and 'looking towards the future' where personal growth is concerned.

I hope you have doing reasonably okay Pepper 🙂

Paul

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Paul,

Thank you for the thoughtful, reassuring post. I appreciate your input and caring words.

I 100% agree with you that they are special words and offered lovingly by Sez. I'm just not sure how to interpret it as it could be interpreted in so many ways.

I'm still feeling uncertain as to how to take the quotes. So I'm hoping, when Sez gets the chance, she will elaborate because I would like to understand more about what she is getting at...

Thanks again 🙂

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

So I made an online booking in the wee hours for a long appointment with a GP to update my MH plan (my long overdue one). He will ask to weigh me, and oh boy, that's another can of worms for me...

I also submitted some forms to a clinic about seeing one of their psychologists- and informed them of my pending MH plan update- mostly as it's relatively close and it will incur no out-of-pocket expenses.

I can't see the psychologist that I used to see because she is very expensive (I haven't seen her in ages, mind you). Even with the Medicare rebate, I would still have to pay a hefty amount out-of-pocket so she's sadly not an option at this point in time. She's my preferred option because we had a good professional relationship in the past, alas, she's just too expensive (sighs).

I'm slightly dreading the whole process of having to rehash my story (again) with a new psych but hey, it has to be done. I just have to take a deep breath...and spill.

I know that I need help. Going "cold turkey" on MH help was probably not the wisest idea. But I honestly just needed to pause therapy at the time as I was getting overwhelmed. I think sometimes pausing therapy is okay too...

I know if I get distressed between appointments and need to talk to someone, I can always write here on my thread (or elsewhere on the forums) and/or call a helpline.

I have a tendency to stretch myself very thin by juggling more than perhaps I should (offline) but I know that I need to put my health first. I was facing the backlash from taking too much on...

So yeah, that's my little update. I'm trying to get my "house" in order. I stumbled upon some posts somewhere about how our attitude in therapy plays an enormous role in our recovery/journey. My attitude has improved: I want to recover.

I don't want to constantly be plagued by the overwhelming sadness or at least learn how to manage those emotions better. My past and present are more intertwined than I like to admit: I'm an adult of CA and DV. So yeah, they need to be addressed.

I feel more ready today than I have before...mostly because I'm just sick of being sad...so out of my desperation and exhaustion emerged something else: a will to live.

To live better. Not like this. Not with the constant ache in my heart, insomnia, fear and sadness. I don't want to live like that anymore.

It's time that I sought help again.

Talk again soon.

With love and gratitude,

Lightning, Rain & Thunder* xoxoxoxo

* told ya I'm dangerous lol!

[startingnew]

Hi Peps


im really glad that youve decided to get some extra help and support AND your ACCEPTING help which is a big step for you. Well done! Im super proud of you


im glad your accepting that your cant see your other psychologist, sometimes this happens and seeing a new one can help you as well. Being nervous is normal and everyone goes through that. I still get nervous seeing my psychologist because of the content but like you, to get help I have to speak even though its hard.
Remember you are allowed to request what ever gender your most comfortable with as well, dont be pushed into anything you dont want to do.
This is your time to shine, to get help and begin your recovery journey.


As you said soemtimes holding off therapy is fine too, sometimes we just need that break, regroup breathe and go again. This is where your at. No one can make these decisions for you so im glad youve made these on your own.


Thats right, the forums and helplines are always there for you. You can always store the numbers in your phone and also save the websites so they are easy to get to when you need.


There it is Peps! Youve already started your journey, do you know how I know?


'I want to Recover' there arent any hesitates its a simple yet powerful statement.
Well done!


And I love all your rain, lighting and thunder, it suits you.
Heres to new beginnings and dont worry my butterflies will still be around

lots of hugs
BW xoxoxo

[Pysis]

Hi pepper

im glad you've decided to get some help again, even though it might be a bit scary you really do deserve to get better.😃

Im sorry that you can't see your old therapist but you never know it could just be the best thing. I really hope you go well with it all.

thinking of you

Nath

[Just Sara]

Dearest Pepper;

I wasn't going to post today, just read. I saw your posts and thought I'd better abate your confusion before it gets worse.

The gift I gave you was a representation of who 'I' am, not who you are or anything bad. I cherish friendship more than ever these days, as it's a precious commodity and rare in my offline world.

Gibran's words represent the softer side of who I am. Everyone tells me how strong I am and how well I've survived, so I follow that road thinking it's what's needed. Showing my vulnerability might put people off or not have faith in me anymore.

I don't know if this is making sense. I'm giving a piece of that deepness to you. It's my way of saying; "There's another side of me for you to know. A gift of stillness; introspection and softness"

I don't always allow others to know this part of me because people take advantage of it seeing it as weakness, especially past friends and family. So giving this to you means 'I trust you' with who I am.

Paul was sort of right; I'm offering you my gentle self as a gift. I usually keep it to myself because I hurt very deeply; equally as does my strength propel me.

So please don't be concerned.

Love...

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly Wings,

What a gorgeous message of support and encouragement 🙂 Thank you...

Yes, starting new indeed 😉

I agree with you that I have to feel as though I have a right to make my own decisions regarding what kind of professional help I do and don't receive. Thanks for validating that.

I saw 2 white butterflies today! And wait for it...I couldn't quite tell the exact colour but I also saw a reddish-brown butterfly today. Wow, it was the first non-white one I've seen this entire year!!!! Your winged friends sure work hard 😉

Aw thanks...I am very protective of the people I care about so if anyone tries to hurt you, I will light up the sky with a lightning bolt and pour rain (IOW a storm) to scare them off 😉 just make sure you a, uh, raincoat and wear earplugs or sound proof headphones. Lol!

Sending love,

Pepper xoxoxoxo