Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Sighs...let it out. Sometimes you just have to cry. It's healthy. Body and heart needs it sometimes. Please don't say sorry...

I know it still hurts. I suppose if you felt as maternal towards her as you have described on your thread; her walking away was like a child walking out on a parent. A disappearing act, no less. Of course it hurts. It wasn't just that but maybe it represented an "end" of something...

Little consolation but I'm sure she would be very sorry for her actions. She was always kind of defiant and a tad argumentative at times but she did know how to love deeply if her words on your thread is anything to go by.

I know it doesn't lessen how you can't say her name anymore; so much was associated with that name. A lot of love, memories, humour and affection. I think it's maybe what she represented too...I don't know...but dare I say, she did care and that she did love you very much.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Would it help you to reminisce about her? I saw your post to Croix. I don't know...maybe you could talk to him about her or something about old memories. I don't know...or would that make things worse. Maybe you just need to cry. I really don't know..

Love you loads,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly Wings,

Lol. Why on earth did I choose such a long username? The plus is that there are heaps of nickname possibilities. Lol.

Now that I have my silliness out of the way...

Well, I don't think you have to feel brave to be brave, you know. But I won't push that subject...

Oh the gift of giving. Your thank you to Sara was one of your greatest "gifts."

In saying that, please save some of that giving for yourself too. Give some but not all of it away...look after you too...

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxo

P.S. Why are you a beautiful butterfly and Sara is a majestic bird/green eyed cat..while I'm a seashell that doesn't even look like a seashell (?) lol!

You both get to fly whereas I live in glorified dirt (aka sand). Maybe I'll one day change my avartar to something much cooler 😉

[startingnew]

Lol you can call me whatever you like


I have an idea


why dont you be a dragonfly. I know they have some sort of spiritual meaning-
pause- will find it




it means- the stripping away of negativity tat holds us back, helping us to achieve our dreams and goals. Dragonflies are the keeper of dreams, the energy within that sees all of our true potention and ability. Drgaonglies inspire spiritually and creatively, they help us on the path of discovery and enlightenment, they remind us that anything is possible.


I think it suits you! you should be a dragonfly! But thats entirely up to you

[Peppermintbach]

Hi,

Sara- I am not sure when or if you will see this as I understand you're taking a few days off to rest and recover. Foot in mouth disease warning...

Aside from the above things that I have said, and I don't know if this will help at all...Sighs...would it help to talk about Dottie more when you're back? To reminisce or whatever.

If you want, you can talk to me about her to remisince or whatever? Maybe you just need to talk about her or something; I know its a sore spot.

I'm not saying that's necessarily what you need to do. You might not want to talk about her too. Either is okay. Do what you need to do.

The important thing is you rest and heal. Butterfly and I are with you in spirit (and so is Dottie).

I love you xoxoxoxoxo

Butterfly Wings- Thanks 😉

A dragonfly? Hmm...thanks...I'll think it over. I'm touched that you went to the trouble to think about it as well as look up its meaning.

Funny you said that, I was half jokingly and half seriously going to say something about a fire-breathing dragon. Lol. We both thought of the word "dragon" yet yours was a gentle creature (Dragonfly) whereas mine scares people. Oh dear...lol...

I will think about it...I'll leave the sideways seashell heart for now...

Love to all,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

I think you would make a good dragonfly.
Haha or you could be a scary dragon but im thinking your not really scary.
Your sweet and loyal and compassionate unlike a fire breathing dragon.
But that is totally up to you.
You can leave your avatar your seashell as long as you like. Im a butterfly and saras a bird and our avatars arent those...

lots of love and hugs

BW

xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

So much for my logging out...logged out and have now logged in again.

I came to a sudden realisation about my parents tonight. It was very unsettling. To be fair, perhaps I always knew but just repressed it all. My preferred "coping" strategy.

Kind of panicky now. There are some things that I don't want to know or face. The whole "ignorance is bliss" thing has some truth sometimes. I am confused.

What happens when you come to the sudden realisation that your dad was abusive towards your mum for most of your life?

But he never really hurt me. mum was the one who copped it; no wonder she was so emotionally unavailable and preferred going to work over coming home.

Painful realisation about my mum there...it now makes sense why she never had anything "left" for me. Dad and the general home situation had wiped her emotional reserves completely...

I have a vague memory of her trying to leave my dad; she took me with her. No idea how old I was except pretty young and she left for a bit and the rest is hazy...all I know is she (clearly) came back. As people often do in these abusive relationships, that is, come back...

My parents confuse me sometimes...I feel conflicted. Is it crazy that, despite what my dad did, that I still feel for him? Does that make me a bad person? Maybe I am a bad person.

He had a very difficult childhood (and adulthood)- and even though it's not an excuse- he was only "repeating" what he knew from his upbringing. I know it is not an excuse though...but I still feel conflicted. It's hard when it's your father...

There was other stuff going on when I was growing up as well that I don't want to talk about...

Sighs...maybe I will go hang out with my sisters this weekend to take my mind off things. And by sisters, I don't really mean biological sisters; I have started to think of some of my close female friends as "sisters" this year.

For all intents as purposes, they are "real sisters" to me. Who cares if we aren't blood related...here is to the family we choose...

Blood is not (necessarily) thicker than water imho.

I am wiped. Logging out and calling it a night. I'm confusing myself now. I don't know what's what anymore. Will probably regret posting this...but what the heck?

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi,

I don't care about whose DNA has recombined with whose. When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching--they are your family.

- Jim Butcher

Butterfly- thanks for your lovely post. Maybe I can be a seashell heart-slash-dragon-slash-dragonfly. Lol!

No more posts from me this weekend. Resting up 💞 Wiped.

Love,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hey,

Sighs...I know that I said that I wouldn't be back on this weekend. But I couldn't sleep. I had maybe 2 hours of sleep last night/this morning so I'm a little delirious from a lack of sleep.

I am literally lying on my stomach- in bed and under my doona- as I'm typing this...

What I think that I need is a "strategy" to cope. I'm not sure what said strategy would entail as I realise it is such a personal thing and would vary from person to person.

I'm not referring to the hours in, say, a doctor's or psych's office, I mean more the "other" hours. The "daily life" hours; the difficult hours that we all have to endure. The hours outside of professional help is often a bigger struggle for me in many ways based on previous experience.

Even if they help us devise strategies- which is great and all- the actual practice and implementation still falls on our shoulders. That's the hard part.

Maybe prioritising on a daily basis would help me. As in today, I will deal with problem "x"while problems "a to y" can temporarily take a backseat. Then tomorrow, maybe I will deal with problem "b" and the other issues can take a backseat.

One thing at a time...can't solve all my problems overnight and I certainly can't emotionally cope with everything in the one go.

Granted, sometimes things snowball and I feel overwhelmed (like right now) hence my need for a strategy.

TBH what I really want to do is stay in bed for a very long time and just stare at the ceiling...or the other extreme...a holiday...literally run away from myself lol.

But seeing as neither are feasible right now, I'll have to think of something else...call it a strategy/call it a coping plan...yeah that...sighs...

Okay, this is my last weekend post. For real this time.

Kind thoughts to all especially Sez/Sara and Butterfly Wings (SN) and Moon 💞💞

Love you all,

Pepper xoxo

[startingnew]

Dear Pepper


That realisation you have come to is quite confronting, but theres one word you have used and thats 'was' which means this is in the past. Unfortunatley domestic violence is so common. I read somewhere that 1 in 5 women experience some form of domestic violence over the age of 15. that is shocking. Im not sure how I can help you with this one but I know one thing is for sure. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! You are conflicted because you dont know what to think or feel. You mustve been quite young as your only remembering snippets. Try not to be too hard on yourself, as a young girl theres no way you could have stopped it. I dont even know if you would understand what was going on so how could you helped..


this is your safe place and you can talk as much as you like about anything you like and you also dont have to tell us everything. There are somethings I keep to myself as well. Its scary to let things out but know we are here for you for whatever and whenever you need.


I agree with you, just because they are blood related to you doesnt mean they are family. Im glad you have people you are close to. Please do go and connect with them, go enjoy yourself and try not to worry.


The quote you shared about DNA I couldnt agree more with. I think it speaks for itself.




You dont have to hide away over the weekend. Its ok and no one here is judging how your feeling or your thoughts. We are here supporting you.


Your last post was very knowledgeable even though I think you dont realise it.
It seems you have put quite a few strategies out there that you could try for the long term and not just with health professionals.
I agree with you that not everything can be solved in the psychs room and will need to implement things to help you cope in life.


Have you found that anything has helped you in the day to day living?


Im liking your idea of prioritising. Is that something you would be willing to give a go?
Start by writing down the things you need to do for that day and prioritse which ones you need to do first and only do those then when those thing/s are done then take another look at your list and see if theres something else you could do today. Remember to add the things you like and want to do in there as well such as going for a walk, reading some of your favourite book, watching a movie. Things like that