Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Just Sara]

Hi there Dr Pepper;

I've left a reply to your post on my thread; you're a very intuitive young woman indeed. Loneliness isn't quite the issue, connections with friends is more to the point. But that's explained in my post 'over there'.

I have a question for you and it comes from wanting to understand myself as well as you. This silence or bubble you're in, does it come from feeling safe and comfortable there, or is it a learned response that keeps you away from reaching out and being disappointed, or something else?

I sit at home wanting to do the doing, however I'm openly scared of results as you know. Yes, I do poke my head out now and then, but end up disappointed or frightened off by a simple phrase, insensitivity or advances that send me retreating back into my four walls. (Metaphorically as well)

The sadness you've spoken about seems to have hit me too. Hmm...I'm not writing well today. I might leave it there ok. And please don't be concerned my sweet; our connection is a Godsend and I know is always there.

It's normal for me to question low moods, but this time I might just give myself space to grieve. Yeah, that's it. I'm crying now. Feeling loss and grief about my sister. I needed to write that.

Talking with you is a blessing; I love you.

Sez xoxoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Dear Sad Sara,

I am holding you as you cry. Yeah, let it out. It's healthy and cathartic to cry sometimes. My guess is you've been needing to grieve about your sister for some time. Let it out...

I know you have been hurt and let down so many times so of course you're wary and apprehensive. It's as though your heart and spirit want to do more but your nerves and triggers have such a hold on you...haunted in way maybe...

My bubble? I suppose my bubble is more of an emotional one than a physical one. I am relatively unafraid of trying new activities, travel, etc. So my bubble has more to do with keeping people's at arm's lengths; I tend not to get too close to very many people offline.

I have a question for you and it comes from wanting to understand myself as well as you. This silence or bubble you're in, does it come from feeling safe and comfortable there, or is it a learned response that keeps you away from reaching out and being disappointed, or something else?

I suppose my answer is "both." Sure, it's a safe and comfy place for me but it's also a learnt response to guard against disappointment. I have grown up expecting my needs to not be met, and from my observation, there are a few common responses to it.

Some will push back harder; cling to whoever gives them the slightest bit of attention (like one of my friends that I have mentioned before). Others are more like me, we shut down and learn to depend on ourselves because we expect to be let down by others.

Now it's become almost a habit. There are times where I have repressed and ignored things to such and extent where I genuinely do not know why I feel a certain way. As though I have disconnected a part of myself from me. Like I know that I feel like s*** but I often don't know why.

Anyway, yes, I am also very grateful for our connection. It really is a gift. Thank you for being my friend. Grateful hearts 💞

Love you; to the moon and back again and as much as the arts,

Pepper xoxoxoxoxo

[startingnew]

Dear Pepper


I havent been able to read a lot of your thread but from what ive read Im glad your opening up. I know your method was to bury the hatchet but im so glad your opening up. Even if its a rant and walk away, thats fine.
While I dont really know what to say, I want to offer and show my support just as you have done for me.
'dont tell someone to get over it, help them get through it' and this is what I would like to do. When you cant see that light in the tunnel, I will hold your hand and help you find that light once again. .
I thought of this quote and it reminded me of Sara, but the more I think about it and just by getting snippets on here, the things I can digest and understand that is this quote here is for you too
'never apologise for being sensitive or emotional. Its a sign you have a big heart and that you arent afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength'
you my dear friend have a very big heart and are stronger than you think you are. The loyalty, caring, compassion and empathy you show towards others shows exactly that.
Strength doesnt just mean physical strength, it means a lot more than that especially in regards to mental health. Strength is being open, showing those emotions, asking for help, accepting that help and being able to move forward even for a moment. That moment of hope, that moment of 'I cant do this' is that strength, use this strength to power your determination and growth from the inside.
I want to be here for you, and I know your going through a rough patch yet continue to show those qualities to me on my thread. So while I dont know what to say, I am here and offering the hand to hold, shoulder to cry on and anything else you need and want.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly Wings (SN),

What a moving post?Thank you. I'm deeply touched.

I loved all the quotes that you gifted me but this one particularly resonated with me:

'never apologise for being sensitive or emotional. Its a sign you have a big heart and that you arent afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength'

Thank you 🙂

I love how you're trying to tell me that it's okay to be okay just as it's okay to not be okay. You're validating the full spectrum of human emotions; I hear you.

I love your insights on strengths. Beautifully written. I'm pretty terrible at asking for help and possibly even worse at accepting it...

Your visit means a lot. It's beautiful watching you evolve on your thread btw 🙂 You have really come a long way. Your most recent posts on your own thread reflect a calmer and more determined state. Sure, you still have many struggles and pains but you sound much more settled and I'm loving your resilience!

You write from the heart (and it shows). There's a certain warmth and compassion in your posts when you check in on others like me.

Keep being you because you are pretty awesome 💞

Love,

Pepper xoxo

P.S. You and your white butterflies sure know how to make a grand entrance. Lol. You already know about the butterfly from yesterday.

But today, I saw 5 white butterflies! I saw 3 then 2 about 20 minutes apart at 2 different locations.

And the thing is, no matter the season, I generally don't see very many butterflies. If I see 1-2, I'm pretty lucky so to see 5 today was very rare. In fact, I've never seen that many butterflies in the one day 🙂 I smiled and said a silent thank you.

[startingnew]

Dearest Pepper


I thought that quote would resonate with you. I found it to be a perfect fit and I also know that emotions in general are hard for you to show because your so use to squashing them. Its time to let them out, accept them. Heck yes they are bloody terrifying but I can tell you it DOES get easier. Ive just witnessed it msyelf. Ive now experienced, I can believe too.
Its one thing to be able to be told and try and understand things will get better and actually experiencing them.
Yes its perfectly fine to be ok and its the same for not being ok. All of your feelings are valid and should be acknowledged not squashed.


You need to learn to accept help, I fought it for such a long time. 'I cant handle this by msyelf I dont need help' sound familiar to you?
Famous last words these are. Everyone needs help, even the invinsible.
Did you know a pebble isnt a pebble straight away, its helped by the weather so even things that are living need help, and thats the same as the sand you walk on the beach.
Everything needs help in some shape or form, never be afraid to ask for help and when its offerred take it. i know how hard that is, but it is worth it

And do you know how I got that resilience and peace of mind? By accepting help and mainly from here. Sara has been a massive part of this and since ive 'known' you so have you. Everyone has their own life experiences and point of views. One person says a rock the other says a pebble. Its all based on how you see things.


Oh yes butterflies make a grand entrance, they want you to know they are there. So know that I am with you in spirit. ALWAYS.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Butterfly,

Oh yeah, those "pebbles" are actually seashells. Lol. Photo got kind of messed up so yeah, they look like pebbles. I totally agree 😉

But pebble or seashell, I realise that's not what you're getting at as I do hear what you're saying. Well, intellectually I understand what you're saying but emotionally...still admittedly resistant. I'm used to looking after me; it's what I "do." Independent to a fault at times.

Btw your post for Sara was deeply moving and I'm pretty sure it made her day (probably week or even month) 💞 I mean, we have all known about the important role she has played in your journey, and how much she means to you. But to express it as beautifully as you did was gorgeous to read, and a real gift to Sara (waves hi).

Thanks again for your heartfelt post. I know it came from a place of love and affection, and it means a lot especially when I know you have many of your own battles.

Yes, those white butterflies are always with me (insert butterfly emoji here...couldn't find one lol)

Love,

Pepper xoxoxoxo

[startingnew]

I knew your pic was shells, the pebbles and rocks were just an example. A figure a speech persay like 'tomato' or tomatoe'


im glad to hear that you do care for yourself, thats also an important part of your journey, to be able to care for youself, but sometimes it nice to be taken care of too.
Start small and work your way up to things for example if someone offers to help you with something thats simple like gardening or interest and just see where it takes you. It doesnt mean you have to expect help and you can still be independent but these small steps can help you as well.
It really is up to you though. We are here listening and hearing you too. We are here for you through thick and thin and those brick wall moments too.




To be honest I didnt realise the effect of that post. It seems to be moving to quite a few members on the thread. Im really glad it is having tis affect and its coming out the way I wanted it too but I certainly didnt expect the responses ive gotten!


We all have our own battles to face, but being here helps and even one of my lowest points I was still here helping. Like you I find it easier to help others than to help myself. Im sure many have read my posts and though wtf! But they are posted and I have learn to think before I post and there was only one time I didnt do that and that was on saras thread not too long ago- I know you were there but it turned out a lot better than what I thought it would.
Lessen learnt though.


I hope you continue to see many white butterflies. When you dont see any just rememeber that im still there anyway.

lots of love little white butterfly
xoxoxo

[startingnew]

Just so you know ive written a response but like you it hasnt come up and im not sure if i hit post or cancel.

whoops, ill give it till tomorrow if its not up ill rewrite it

[Peppermintbach]

Thanks Butterfly. You have a kind heart 💞

Love,

Pepper xxx

[Peppermintbach]

Wide awake.

Over it.

That is all I have to say right now.

Pepper xxx