Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Just Sara]

Hi Pepper;

I want to say firstly, I got so much information out of your post/s. You've said a lot of it before, but never in this context. Thankyou...

I interpret your description of sadness as being in a constant state of lamenting. It's the first word that popped into my mind. Having music and art as your 'hugs' and respite makes you self aware and some would say lucky; no-one wants to feel sad all the time.

There was a key phrase I picked up on from your post;

'It might also be because I like to be in control; depression for all its unpleasantness doesn't make me lose "control" if that makes sense'

You've hit the proverbial nail on the head; 'perceived' control or lack of it, drives us all. It comes back to science. 'For every action, there's an equal or opposite reaction' I don't know how many times I've written that on these threads over the yrs, but it has absolute power with issues of control.

You mentioned PTSD/anxiety as being "eek!". They're just different responses (to depression) for the same thing; not being able to control others, or ourselves might be more precise.

You replied on SN's thread to her self loathing and feeling at fault. This is normal for an abused child. I didn't say sexually abused because 'all' children are reactive, no matter what abuse is occurring. It's our survival 'response' that makes us individuals.

For you to feel in control with your home life when small, I figure you found what worked, or at least was perceived as 'enough' to get you thru the day. (As did I)

TonyWK wrote recently; 'Old habits die hard'. It's so true. Those habitual behaviours created to survive, worked back then, but as adults in control of our own lives, they're not that productive. There's no middle ground of peace and stability.

I think that's where your music takes you. And for what it's worth, still works as a form of escape. It's not self destructive or negative; it's empowering and uplifting. When we look at a baby sometimes, we say they're an 'old soul'. This is how I see you, so I know you're going to be ok.

Anyway, sorry to blurt. I hope I haven't come across as talking 'at' you Pepper.

Warm hugs;

Sez xo

[Just Sara]

Sorry! Forgot to add that Sweet Pea was my Nan's favourite flower. She grew them on a lattice near my childhood home. I love love love them!! Thankyou muchly for being so intuitive!

I adore you!

Sez xo

[Cloud9]

Hey Pepper,

Ignore the noise and junk and enjoy yourself and what makes you happy.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi there,

Quirky- wow, thank you, I'm humbled by your words. Hey, you're always welcome to read and/or comment 🙂

Your depression sounds like it gets very intense- depletes your energy and motivation. It must be hard when you get to that point...

I have moments where I would rather lie in bed and stare at the ceiling all day but I can usually overcome them. For the most part, I'm a high functioning depressive. It's a catch-22. The plus is obviously how I get stuff done, etc, etc. But the drawback is I suppose that sometimes people don't realise how much I'm hurting. Then again, I generally don't want people to know.

Thanks again for your support 🙂 Sometimes I wonder how you're travelling because you say so little about yourself...

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xx

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Thanks for the thanks 😉 Hopefully I'm not going around in circles and just repeating myself. Then again, I guess that would tie in nicely with the "musings" title lol. Good thing I chose that title...

I am not sure how I would even describe the sadness. "Heaviness" is probably the word that comes to mind (or heavy hearted).

PTSD is unfamiliar so I wouldn't even begin to know what to "do" with it if that makes sense. Whereas sadness is like an old "friend"... I know the "drill" so it doesn't phase me...it's just unpleasant and tiring sometimes...

Yes, music and art in all its guises is definitely uplifting for me; sometimes it's the reason that I get out of bed. Lol.

Ah yes, the control thing...about control...I have an offline friend who had a very horrific childhood (it's not my story to tell but suffice to say, it was really sad and traumatic)...she has the opposite reaction to me too in so many ways. I avoid and put up a wall; she latches onto anyone (anyone!) who shows her the slightest bit of interest (and often ends up hurt). I tend to shut down and keep things to myself (offline) whereas she is the ultimate over-sharer; it's like she almost has this "need" to tell someone about her past. "Anyone" will do. Maybe it's not even a need but a lack of control in her case-unparented (?) I suppose I only brought her up because of the "control" mention...she confuses me yet at the same time, I also understand her if that makes sense.

Anyway, thanks immensely for all the love and support. It means a lot...I'm glad you like the virtual flowers 🙂

Loving thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Cloud9,

Thanks for the short and sweet but uplifting post 🙂 Yes, I'll definitely pursue the things that bring some light and joy into my life.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper xx

[Peppermintbach]

Dear whoever may be reading,

Warning: self absorbed musings ahead. I did warn you...

I am a little sleep deprived and feeling wired but reflective at the same time. Responding to different threads that centred around the common theme of being lured or tempted by the lure of the siren call (in different contexts) was something that I found initially very disheartening and sad.

But after about 4-ish hours of sleep, I'm in a calmer state of mind, and moreover, I have a newfound lease on life. A newfound lease to live really well. Ironically, reading other people's accounts of being tempted by the siren call jolted me out of my indifferent state. Talk about my inner survival instinct. Go figure.

I am lucky to not be physically or socially isolated and thankfully have creative outlets that keep me afloat (or afloat "enough" at least). 2 huge advantages in my corner. I'm lucky that after feeling totally wiped from responding last night that my first thought was maybe I will channel some of my feelings into playing music or to sketch something....at about 1:30 in the morning.

Then I realised music was probably not the best option at that hour as I have to be considerate of other people. Point is my music and art is what saves me. Time and time again and I realise not everyone has that...but I'm being self centred and not talking about other people. I'm talking about "me."

Reading other people's accounts of being tempted by the siren call, paradoxically made me realise how much I did want to live. I have a LOT of life that I want to live for...I want to travel the world over or see as much of it as possible, I want to meet interesting people and have meaningful conversations, I want to create a digital platform for my creative projects, I want to start a NFP that teaches music to children from low SES backgrounds and/or troubled homes, I want to conduct research, etc...there's a lot that I want to do. There is a lot of life left in me.

I mean, I am given this one life. There are many moments that it really truly sucks but if I'm here anyway, I may as well make the most of it and live as best I can.

Here's to life. Cheers.

Pepper xx

[Peppermintbach]

Sad, just sad. Same old, same old.

Felt slightly better for about 1/2 day yesterday and now I've regressed to the mean again (lol) and my "mean mood" is sadness.

Hey, this thread is called "Sad musings" and not "sad profound insight", which is just as well as it is mostly a venting space for me.

Not sure what to do but as per always...lost my train of thought now...

I'm not going to give a blow by blow of my problems as I don't wish to dissect them but hey, like everyone else, I have them. Anyways.

To other fellow sad travellers, here's a cyber hug. I feel ya.

Pepper xx

[Peppermintbach]

Early morning musings (warning: may make zero sense; keep your expectations low of me and I will never disappoint...lol)

The heart of the problem?

(Sighs) I think that I have uncovered a key reason behind my lingering sadness. The child within, for the most part, has given up. Obediently staying in her allocated corner spot; laying on her back and staring at the ceiling all day.

In other words, I rejected a core part of myself so even to this day- except for brief moments- she continues to lie there in defeat. Ironically, by denying her, she actually permeates every aspect of my being in a state of defeated depression.

After all, you can run from yourself but you can't hide...

Anyway, I must sound positively nuts now.

Kind thoughts to all at this early hour 🙂

Pepper xxx

[Moonstruck]

Hi Pepper....I think I know what you mean..sort of. I have been waking up a bit "sad" every morning too. I wondered this morning how others felt upon that first moment of opening their eyes, first instant, every morning, lying in bed.......what sort of mood comes over you...or perhaps no particular emotions are there in the forefront? Perhaps you leap up full of plans and a daily routine you plunge into with enthusiasm?

there has been a lingering sort of melancholy around me every day when I wake up...."melancholy" means something different from "depression" or even "sadness"...it's a wistful wondering about something past, a part of your life you can't quite hold onto any more.....not sure really. But I know melancholy is another emotion altogether.

your "little child who gave up..".....I know her. In her allocated corner spot, looking at the ceiling. perhaps my little child lies in bed every morning, not wanting to get up. not because of laziness or depression, but because she is not sure where to go that day. Where she will be safe and no one will tell her she's in the wrong place.

No you don't sound positively nuts. My little child was probably lying there in her allocated space at the early hour you wrote this............hoping you find a happy place today........xx