Sad musings

[Peppermintbach]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what to say other than I'm just on edge, cranky and sad at the same time. I'm aware of helplines, doctors, mental health plans, mindfulness, CBT, smiling mind app, distractions, doing things we love, etc, etc. I feel as though I've hit a wall...

I know that I want to make some sort of change or changes but I'm unsure of the nature of this change. A general feeling of unease. When you're deeply unhappy but you're not even 100% sure why.

Seriously, this all probably seems kind of vague and I'm not sure what I'm hoping to achieve here, and I know that no one has the answer except for me (whatever that is...throws hands up in frustration).

All I can say is I think life is difficult and often painful. It's the daily, in-between moments that I find the hardest. Sometimes I wonder if brief moments of reprieve is as good as it gets.

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara Freud,

Seriously, you couldn't have picked Jung or Bandura...you had to pick the controversial Freud? Lol.

I hear what you're saying about how feeling calm sent your headspace into a tailspin because it felt so foreign...a shock to the system...

I understand what you're saying about releasing anger. I'm glad you have found healthier ways to channel anger these days; that's a testimony to your hard work and resilience. I realise it wasn't easy getting to that point...

My inner child? Who knows where she is right now...she's gone missing again. Actually, that's not true...I just don't like her very much at the moment so have silenced her and locked her away. Honestly, I think my inner child is a bit of an idiot. I don't like her very much. Too clingy. Too needy. Kind of stupid...kind of too this and too that...seriously this feels weird. I feel like a crazy person when I talk like this...

Pepper xoxo

[quirkywords]

Pepper

I have just come across this thread and I feel bad that I didn't pick up how sad you were /are feeling.

You can communicate your sadness and despair which I find very difficult when I feel low. I can not think of the words I want ,

Does it help you to write down your fears, thoughts and emotions?

I do not have any wise words and advice but I have been where you are and I know it is confusing.

sending kind thoughts

Quirky

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Quirky,

Ah...I hear what you're saying but please don't feel bad. There is no need to apologise; I can't expect you to somehow know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. I mean, I don't know how you're feeling either if that helps 😉

I don't make a habit of writing down sad thoughts but if there is something that is particularly thought provoking then I might make a note.

Sometimes I think that the wisest thing is empathy and reaching out 😉 That being said, thank you Quirky...

Pepper xx

[Just Sara]

Hey Pepper; (Shout-out to Quirky!)

I'm sort of wondering how you're going after my visitor from fields of maize dropped by. I read her response holding my breath; and then yours. Group mentality scares me sometimes, reminiscent from days of old.

My concern is for you, though I must admit, your reply was restrained and to the point. Well done! It does however bring home the issue of friends not being up front and returning the same honesty and openness you both spoke of. I'm disappointed in her.

If it helps, I gained a very important bit of insight when away a few weeks ago. Although we want desperately for people to fulfil our perceived expectations of them, there'll always be those who we can only deal with in the moment; they're the negligent ones. Continuing to live in hope they'll change is self deprecating. It's a lethal waiting game if we choose to take that road.

I guess what I'm saying is; "I'm proud of you" As with a scenario I faced at Boot Camp, you stood up for yourself within the boundaries of said environment. I'm proud of myself too for the same thing. I wasn't so restrained though, but life calls for it sometimes. I dropped the 'f' bomb, but felt so amazing afterwards.

That's where my insight came from. I finally understand what it means to defend myself in the face of negligence and aggression. I'm my best ally, no 2 ways about it.

It isn't about trusting 'them', it's about trusting ourselves. Knowing when to walk away, and when to stand our ground; I'd forgotten.

So apart from the obvious, did you get something positive out of it? I hope so. If I'm overstepping my boundaries, please let me know ok? You can sometimes step back from expressing certain things, but that's fine.

My heart's with you my sweet.

Sara xoxo

[Just Sara]

Just an addit Pepper;

I mentioned 2 songs on that thread, but they moved back a page. Sort of compliments 'Sorcerous' and my soft hand on your shoulder.

Btw...if you want to vent, I'm all eyes! Let it rip!

Sez xo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Thank you so much for visiting and checking up on me. Being asked if I'm okay- not quite in those words- means a lot to me.

I guess, as with everything, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. In this instance, she has her own opinion, as do I and others, about a former member. Ultimately, i think her heart was in the right place when she expressed her thoughts. I think her words came from a place of concern as well as maybe being haunted, judging by her comments, by some of her own past. I think, in her own way, she meant well. She's a caring person at heart...

I am glad you stood up for yourself during boot camp. It's a huge deal that you're finding your voice, "f" bombs and all. Lol. I think you're learning to pick your battles and to trust your inner voice...there's an extremely famous quote that I'm pretty sure has been quoted at least once here, which is "you don't have to attend to every argument you're invited to." I guess that's part of your current progress...go you 🙂

Yes, you are your own best support and so you should trust yourself. Power to you that you're trusting your own judgement and strength. Whoo...

Thank you immensely for the song gifts. I'll have to take a look. My interpretation of sorceress may not be the intended or conventional one; as odd as it sounds, to me, it's about how creativity is like weaving magic- like sorcery. Especially how the arts can be so seductive and can be a kind of darkness in its own right; beauty and art borne of pain. The opening labout "darkness growing over me silently; it's creeping closer" is something that I relate to a lot..."you are the sorceress" is about being the "creator" in your own creative realm (my interpretation) 😉

Thank you, the "hand on my shoulder" means a lot; I know it's a caring, supportive hand. I know you're saying that you're there for me. Thank you...

I have been a little sad (what's new? Lol). More sad than vent-y...I have a couple of floral bouquets in my room. I like to keep flowers there as it lifts my mood; the worse I feel, the more bouquets (and depending on my financial situation that week lol). I want my room to resemble a florist this week...

On the plus side, I managed to tick off everything on my painfully boring to-do list yesterday. Proud because I would have much preferred a Doona day lol.

Loving thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

[Just Sara]

Dear Pepper;

It's such a pleasure to read your words. What can I say? You've expressed yourself so well. Taking the 'referred to post' as charitable as you have, tells me what type of person you are; amazingly beautiful. I don't know if I would've responded (within myself) as well, though your quote made a lot of sense.

Your song description totally blew me away! I have a very similar view of 'alchemy'. I might just put it on your creative thread if that's ok.

I totally agree with your bouquet of flowers practice. While $ may seem an obstacle, late at night, other people's gardens can be just as plentiful. Ha ha! Flowers are agreeable to all the senses, so it makes sense they're still as popular as ever to adorn our homes.

A couple of posts ago, I bought up the issue of being at odds with new found positive feelings due to them feeling foreign. You replied about my experience with this, but didn't expand on your own. Your sadness gets to me; I want more for you as friends do.

I guess depression is a mystery to me. Although I've been there in my travels, it only lasted a few weeks. Never want to go back either btw! No shocker there hey?

For me, I fell to pieces and couldn't function. The only way out was to get my life in order before doing the deed. So I ignored the depression to complete the task and became totally void of emotion; indifferent. That landed me in hosp.

So I don't know how you do it. I know you've said it's your 'way of life' and has been for as long as you remember. Honestly, it kills me to know this. So to be precise, have you had times where it hasn't been there and scared you?

As a friend/peer, I want to not only learn about depression, but help you any way I can. You've such 'presence' and superb qualities hun. I guess it ties in with how you poured your guts out to me after learning of my cancerous predicament. Makes me a bit of a hypocrite really.

Kudos for task ticking too! What a bloody trooper you are!

Anyway, I think of you often and wonder how you're doing. I try not to feel sad for you, but at times, like this moment, there's a heaviness in me. I'll be fine no doubt, but I do worry.

I'll see you on your creative thread next. :-]

Loving thoughts back atcha;

Sez xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sez,

Thank you again. I know you care deeply about me and my wellbeing (I feel the same way about you). It comes across loud and clear in all your posts especially the most recent one. I am very lucky to be able to call you "friend." Thank you.

I get short lived moments of respite but the sadness lurks in the background. I think if you have lived with anything for long enough, for better or for worse, you sort of get used to it.

I find it almost mind boggling when some people comment on how difficult they think depression is when I feel the same way when I read PTSD and other anxiety accounts. I know about some of your experiences and people's spiralling anxiety and I think, "eek...give me depression any day." It might also be because I like to be in control; depression for all its unpleasantness doesn't make me lose "control" if that makes sense.

One of my greatest sources of relief and even joy would be my various creative outlets. The arts not only gives me an outlet but it's comforting; it's like getting a hug. But at the same time, I also use it as an excuse to keep a certain distance from people; something akin to "I've got my paintbrushes and music- I don't need anyone!"

When you learn from a young age that people can't be counted on and you can't get your emotional needs met then it's make or break. You find a way to deal or you fall apart...and so I found a way to cope. Some people respond by looking for love from anyone- and I mean anyone. Then you have people like me...the more avoidant types who find other ways to deal.

The arts is what I turned to...I turned away from people and towards something that I felt I could count on and felt an instant connection to...I always have plenty of people in my life (offline) but I keep a marked distance from most of them.

I suppose there is a part of myself that likes to think of herself as an unemotional island but who am I kidding? Lol. I am very sensitive and passionate by nature and feel things very deeply. But I have a calm, collected persona- most of the time anyway. I suppose that I channel a lot of those feelings in my creative endeavours. It has to come out somewhere, right? Lol.

I'm not sure what the answer is for me...if I get moments of respite, it's a "good" day.

And know this friendship works both ways, I'm here for you too, okay? Sending you a bouquet of fragrant sweet pea flowers to hopefully bring some light and colour into your home 🙂

Loving thoughts and hugs,

Pepper xoxo

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Sara,

Oops...forgot to answer your question in my other post...

have you had times where it hasn't been there and scared you?

Well, that would be the brief moments of relief. I don't really feel scared but maybe slightly confused and relieved; a little like "oh, maybe Life isn't so bad sometimes."

Sending you more sweet pea flowers this morning. Just because...why not right? Lol

Loving thoughts,

Pepper xo

[quirkywords]

Pepper

I just wanted to say how much I have found your posts to and from Sara so moving and informative. I sometimes feel like an eavesdropper but in a helpful way if that makes sense.

I suppose for me depression was always followed by a high, even a destructive one, so I used to endure the depression knowing relief was around the corner. Even though I realised it was not relief at all.

So I think knowing the sadness is always there would be very difficult so I am amazed that you manage to write so much and help others as well as be creative.

When I was depressed I could barely lift up a pen or turn a computer on.

I feel honoured that you are willing to share your thoughts with others and write so compassionately .

Quirky