Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Considering you are not in a good headspace, you sound slightly better (correct me if I’m wrong).

Are you more comfortable taking the medication now? Have the paranoid symptoms settled down a bit?

Another week is almost over and then it’s not too long until your appointment, though I realise each day is a struggle.

Are you still spending a lot of your time sleeping?

Hoping that between now and your appointment time goes by quickly for you. Waiting for help can be really frustrating. Remember this time will pass.

So keep on doing what you are doing as it seems to be getting you through this terrible time.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Had psychologists appointment today. She is very worried, but there is little anyone can do other than admit me to hospital.

Psychiatrist in the morning, but honestly not sure what the point is. Guess I've made it to this point tho.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Very well done for getting through and making it to the appointment with your psychologist.

How do you feel about going back into hospital? Do you think that is the best option for you?

Let me know how your appointment with your psychiatrist goes. Hopefully the psychologist will contact him and update him on your condition.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

My psychoatrist was surprised things got so bad and the system has failed- my experience is it always does.

He believes im on the up and i have another couple of appointment weeks apart.
He wasn't happy I made the psychologist appointment 3 weeks away, but meh.

Feeling really deflated and upset. Defiantly feel misunderstood. I dont want to do hospital at all, but then there is very minimal support and I feel so alone. My headapace is still really bad, and now ive made it through and for what? To be dismissed.

How have you been Jojo?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am sorry you feel so alone and misunderstood. I had hoped your psychiatrist would have been more supportive and certainly not dismissive. I am shocked by the lack of mental health support where you are.

Do you feel you are improving and able to manage? Did your psychiatrist review your medication?

Take care of yourself Saree and, if I were you, I would consider making an earlier appointment with the psychologist. It might be helpful to share with someone in person.

I am going well thanks. Recently saw a movie called Burnt Orange Heresy. It didn’t get very good reviews, but I really enjoyed it. It’s about an art critic who wants to interview a reclusive artist. However, it all goes pear shaped when an art collector asks him to steal one of the artist’s paintings.

Stay safe and strong xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Dearest Jojo,

The movie sounds pretty alright to myself. I've been binge-watching TV shows simply to distract - maybe I should try a movie.

The psychiatrist has reviewed the medication and made and alteration - which he planned to do anyway. I wish there was more support. Honestly, I am done trying to get the help. I've kept trying to get to the next point, and for what? My partner doesn't know what to do anymore. I don't feel like I can talk to him or anyone about it, just end up being a burden or pain in the bum.

Sorry Jojo, today is not good. 

Much planned today Jojo?

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad the psychiatrist reviewed your medication as it might just need adjusting until he finds the optimum dosage for you. I hope that is the case as that’s what happened to me when I was first diagnosed.

I am so sorry to hear you feel you can’t talk to anyone about what you are going through. I used to try to explain to people what it’s like to be psychotic, however, gave up once I realised they would never understand unless they experienced it for themselves.

But it’s not their fault because after an episode even I am amazed by the thoughts I was having and my behaviour. These days I can laugh about it, but at the time it was very scary and very real. I often believed people were following me and were going to harm me and there were cameras everywhere.

Keep posting here if you need to vent or share anything. You are not alone.

I haven’t been up to that much. Got my hair cut today and did a bit of food shopping. Tomorrow going out for a walk plus coffee. Sunday I am going to visit a friend. Are you able to get out much?

Take care dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙋‍♀️

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

I guess I always knew it was going to take a while but I honestly thought a proper diagnosis would equal further support - which it really hasn't. Instead I feel more alone than ever.

I tried reaching out to my psychologist today, but she was busy and I didn't want to worry anyone. 

Jojo, no one understands the psychotic thoughts, no one understands the suicidal thoughts, no one understands the intensity, i guess unless they experience it themselves like you have said.

My paranoid symptoms are pretty similar to your own. Mine occurs in depressive episodes.

Glad to hear you are out and about and have some wonderful plans.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear you still feel very alone and completely misunderstood. However, I for one (and many more on the forums) can totally identify with you and the symptoms you are having. So don’t ever forget that.

I found some people don’t want to talk about their paranoid and psychotic thoughts because of the reactions of others who don’t understand. Personally I think this is harmful as I needed to somehow understand and validate my experiences. So please feel free to share anything that would help you because I have been to La La Land quite a few times!

Also remember you are no less of a person because of your mental illness. You are highly intelligent and highly creative. Don’t let anyone ever tell you any different.

Just had garlic prawns for dinner - yum! Bye for now xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

That sounds super yummy.

I had a bad weekend. Ended up trying to harm myself to the point my partner was restraining me - I have bruises from fighting him and then the restraints. The psychiatrist wanted to admit me but as I am under private care they also don't want to intervene.

The whole ordeal was scary and disempowering. I am really struggling to process the whole thing. I've tried to book in a more recent appointment with my psychologist, but the earliest I can see her is Wednesday. I really don't see the point anymore.

Struggling to fight all the urges and just everything.

what have you got planned for the week Jojo?