Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Thanks to you both,

I kept rereading your posts last night.

Had to mask up and spend all yesterday in the office and then had my mother's bday dinner last night. Apparently my whole family knows about the admission and my diagnosis and openly discussed it. I feel so little.

Unfortunately, my partner doesn't know what to do. He accepted it before proposing, so it's not been an issue for him and he is happy to move forward.

What is recovery Jojo? to something you can have very minimal control.

Thanks again, I just don't know how to make it through the day today. Really need help but so not sure what to do.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You did really well to make it through work and then go to a family gathering. I am sorry to hear their comments made you feel small. In future could you tell them you would prefer if they kept their thoughts to themselves unless they have something helpful or supportive to say.

I don’t know what was said that made you feel small, but you have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed about and you are no less of a person because you have a mental illness.

My recovery involved learning everything I could about my illness by reading books and doing research on the computer to find out how other people have coped. I also remember talking to an art therapist who shared with me she has bipolar and that gave me so much hope that it is still possible to work and stay well despite my illness.

Learning about your triggers is another important part of recovery and having a crisis plan in place so that if things start to go downhill your needs will be respected. For me the main goal of my recovery was to stay out of hospital. This was achieved largely by finding medication that worked for me and also by learning to say no to situations that would be too stressful at that time. This occasionally meant missing some family events, but I learned to put my mh first and so reaped the benefits of staying well.

Getting enough sleep and eating well are also very important for me. If I have more than a few nights of being unable to sleep I have a prn on standby to take. Lack of sleep is a major trigger for me so I have learned to be mindful of that one.

So recovery is all about finding ways to achieve stability in your life. Another thing I did for health reasons was to switch to part time work. I don’t know if that’s an option for you, but it might be worth looking in to. Just a thought.

So what happens next is largely up to you Saree by learning to accept your illness - hard as that may be. I have every confidence in you that you will eventually come to terms with your illness and find your way again. Your personality and tenacity will get you there.

Best wishes to you on the journey xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🐉

[Saree_p]

Dearest Jojo,

Thank you so much.

My family have discussed it behind my back is the issue, and then felt it was their right to ask over a public dinner. My family and I are not that close. My mother has done nothing but argue with the trauma diagnosis, but the bipolar is convenient as she then isn't to blame. My family now have the ammunition. It is really hard to explain. I know my father feels guilty, but there were big clear indicators that I had bipolar, my family knew that and did nothing, instead blamed me for the destruction I didn't know I was causing, and the destruction that has stuffed up my life a lot.

I am trying to look into things more, but am becoming more and more upset by it. Is there particular stuff that you found was helpful out there?

I just really want to have a conversation with my psychologist. I am kind of annoyed at her for thinking I was ok and not booking in before she went on leave for a bit. I know she's come back sooner to see me, but I feel that's more guilt driven. She got side tracked the week I was released. I just want direction.

where do I start Jojo? sorry, I am trying.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

My family weren’t supportive either and never grasped what my illness was all about. Every time I was discharged from hospital they expected me to immediately be okay again. Whereas it would often take me months to get back on an even keel.

The thing I found most helpful and encouraging about bipolar was to discover it is an episodic illness. Which meant there would be periods of being well again following a high or a low. Initially it was a bit of a bumpy road until I learned to manage my illness better which I refer to as recovery.

My last admission was in February 2014 which is a record for me to remain stable for that amount of time. Before that I was in and out of hospital quite regularly which was extremely disruptive to my life and relationships.

So there is hope for you too Saree. Try not to overwhelm yourself by everything you read as some people manage their symptoms better than others especially if they work at it.

Take care and keep your spirits up xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[smallwolf]

Sorry to hear that you are not getting the support to are wanting from your family.

I guess your mother goes into defensive mode which is probably a natural thing to do. Rather than look at the situation from your perspective. And I think that going into that defensive state becomes the normal reaction.

I was telling my mother about doing remedial reading while in high school and some of the things that had occured as a result. She listened and then apologised. That's aside from the fact she could not remember me doing remedial reading. Now I know this compares nothing to what you are likely to have gone through, yet (my mother) saw the situation from my perspective. It can be difficult to really listen to what another person has to say and reflect upon that before replying. In a similar way when we say something we might not be aware of how is said is interpreted by the other person.

The relations with your family might not be great. I am also aware of how much you are appreciated at your work. That is the real you - the person who cares, is loyal, honest, etc. The opinions of those whose understanding is limited or not supportive is not worth thing about?

Peace to you

[Saree_p]

Thanks to you both,

I was so glad to have gotten through the weekend. Bowls game to help my partner out and then threw a picnic BBQ for his Birthday. Only to find out this arvo that all his family know I was in hospital as well.

I feel utterly betrayed for something I specifically asked to be kept private. My family did nothing but spread it. My partner accidently let it slip as he is such an honest person (I believe him), but it doesn't change the fact that everyone knows.

I just want to curl up into a ball and die!!!

what is the point of continually trying and fighting when there is no point. You try to not let mh affect every part of your life but it does! people do nothing but judge you for it.

Sorry. I'm really not having a good time am I?

sorry

[smallwolf]

Good to hear from you again Saree.

Things don't seem to be working out how you planned

May I ask if your partner's family done anything to make you think they would judge you? I know it did not work out with your own family and I am hoping your partner's family will be different.

And what you have does not define who you are. You are still that caring, supportive, honest person you have always been. There will hopefully come a time when you will be able to see it as some part of you - not every of you.

Aside from the diagnosis... you have a future with your partner, a good job, people who like you....

Peace to you,

Tim

[Saree_p]

Work is turning to shit.
I spent the weekend applying for new jobs.

I just camt do this. I cant do this anymore.

I'm so useless and completely falling apart. I cant so this anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p,

We're so sorry to hear how much you're struggling right now. Our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service has a lot of practical information about coping with work issues, including job hunt issues, here: https://coronavirus.beyondblue.org.au/impacts-on-my-work.html. Please don't hesitate to reach out to our specially trained qualified mental health professionals there 24/7 by phone on 1800 512 348 or webchat via https://cmwssonline.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start. As you know our wonderful online forums community is always here to provide as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

[Saree_p]

Sorry Sophie.
I feel like I've lost my voice. I didnt get out of bed much yesterday.
Today is not much different.

Instead I cant tolerate light. Want to sleep. And am scared to go outside because someone is there.

I dont feel I can contact anyone or tell anyone. My partner is telling me we can manage it. But I dont think we can. I cant.

I'm sorry for failing and being so useless. Sorry.