Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

Got into work this morning and collected everything, however currently failing to work at all.

It's hard to explain that even though we knew the diagnosis, now that its all formalised for a second time it feels so much more final. Reality seems to have hit that the diagnosis is not going anywhere which means the condition is permanent. well more so, it has now combined the 2 diagnosis.

I guess I can deal with the Complex PTSD however there is very little that I can do about the bipolar affective disorder.

Jojo, I just don't know how to deal with this. Everything feels like it's happening around me and I can not keep up. Work is just so glad to have me back. I really do not know what to do anymore. Just feel like the world is collapsing around me and I can not breathe. It's really difficult atm to not think of an exit strategy.

There was conversations around when I attempt to get pregnant (whislt in hospital) and I feel like that option is removed off the table. It was a huge part of our plans. I feel incompetent.

Sorry, really just not coping. trying to distract from the diabolical thoughts but not managing well.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p,

As you know this is a safe and non-judgmental place and we're here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We're so sorry to hear how much you are struggling right now. Please know help is always available to you. You can call our support service any time on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Please check in and let us know how you're doing whenever you feel up to it.

 

[Saree_p]

Sorry Sophie.

I've been trying.

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree. I wish I could give you a hug right now. Things sounds upsetting for you to make you feel like you are "incompetent". And things that might have been possible may not be possible now. These losses would likely make anyone sad - so please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to process these feelings.

And while you might not feel this at the moment - the people at your workplaces welcomed you back. They must truly care about you and what you mean to them and those you interact with. (In your place, any negative thoughts I have would crush that positivity.) You clearly have talents, skills and strength that others look out for.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you.

[Saree_p]

Thanks,

Tried to contact psychologist, as Jojo encouraged, but not working to well.

My head simply will not shut up and I feel so unable to manage like I am drowning. I just can't cope with this. It's not me. This can't be my life. I'm supposed to have control over it all. sorry. sorry

[Saree_p]

My psychologist is on leave till the end of the month apparently. So no support out of hospital.

Think I cant pull through. Cant commit to an appointment in the future.

Me versus my head

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry to hear you are going through such a horrible time. You say you feel you should have everything under control, however, it often takes time for things to settle down, especially following an admission.

It would take me a few weeks to find my feet following an admission and quite a few months to come to terms with everything a relapse entails.

It takes time and energy to get life back on track so don’t beat yourself up if you’re not there yet. It is still very early days for you.

It is really great that work are glad to have you back, but sounds like maybe you need some more time off to adjust. Is that an option?

Go easy on yourself Saree and hopefully you will gradually feel stronger and more able to cope.

Sending you positive thoughts and a great big hug xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo sorry.

Cant ask for more time off work.
I can quit but we need the income.

I just cant do this anymore. How do u process this? I cant. I just want the world to swallow me whole.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

Saree, I really feel for how low you are feeling. All I can do is sit here and listen to you giving little insights into how you are feeling. I could give suggestions but I am unsure ... I used to do counseling with myself but I would write it down like a script. I would describe the arguments in my priest - her advice was to tell the thoughts in mind my "go away" - these were not the actual words and their was some cursing or swear words involved.

What tools do you have your toolbox to help you with these moments?

Lets Jojo and myself be a buoy that you can hold onto to help you stay afloat.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Please don’t be sorry for the way you are feeling. It is a lot to deal with and I wish I could tell you that I immediately coped when I was diagnosed, but I didn’t. However, what I do know is time is a healer so allow yourself that time no matter how long it takes.

Another thing I am certain of is that you are much stronger than you may think. You know how to dig deep which is where your resilience comes from. Keep fighting Saree. You are at an important crossroads, so choose life. You can make it, step by step.

I wish I could make you feel better because I know what it feels like to be out of control and have limitations put on my life. However, I also know what it’s like to work on my recovery so that I can once more live a happy and fulfilling life. There are two sides to the same coin. Choose heads!

It’s so important to have supportive people around you at this time and also to be really kind to yourself. I hope your partner is able to play this role for you.

Tim and I are both here for you too especially if you need to vent. No need to apologise either.

Wishing for you better times ahead. You can do this Saree. Take things at your own pace and don’t lose hope.

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🐉 Summon your inner dragon to keep your spirits up!