Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

I just feel like there is something wrong with me.

I hope you all dont get upset with me.
I guess everyone expected that I could deal with this but no one asked.

I guess now i am the family nut case.

[Jojo100]

Dearest Saree

You are still very much you and you are definitely not the family nut case!

It took time for me to accept and adjust to my diagnosis. Initially I was relieved, but that was short lived when the reality hit home. Then I became embarrassed and angry. However, eventually I made peace with my illness by doing everything I could to learn how to manage it. This also took time, but I got there in the end.

I hope this happens for you too Saree as you have such a lot to live for and look forward to with your partner.

I think it is good you haven’t gone straight back to work as it gives you time to settle.

Be gentle with yourself at this time as you have a lot to process following your admission.

Stay safe and strong xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Guess there is no more hiding.

I'm still treated as the family nut case and will always be.

Honestly not sure how to be ok with this all.
Due to education and work I know the reality if such a diagnosis.

But then there is a part of me that know that atm i am really unwell. I just dont want to admit it.

Where do I start Jojo?
Currently its expected i will cope and manage. Ive mqd eit seem that way so can not

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree. Sounds like you are being a little hard on yourself in your recent posts. You are certainly no nutcase. And there are famous people also who were/are bipolar.

notice you mentioned the release from hospital was difficult. There are people in the anglican church I attend are having issues with the new easing of restrictions - they are used to the isolating and venturing out into public is "unnatural" for them. Some even suggesting they won't return to church physically because it is more comfortable not to.

Remember that it does not define you as a person. Please know I am here for you if you want to chat. About anything really... if it takes you mind off things. Or whatever.

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

Today I'm real low. Gotta face work tomorrow. Sounds stupid but don't think I can.
Family nutcase is reference to how my own family treated me. Even tho they did nothing to help me my diagnosis gives them excuses.

[Saree_p]

Jojo,
Even tho you have this diagnosis. How do you find a reason to live? Not sure i can anymore. I marvel at how you can.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I have bipolar, however, so long as I stay on my medication I am perfectly fine. I am lucky to have found meds that work so well for me. This means I can almost forget about the illness and get on with living. In any case bipolar is only a very small part of my identity which no longer interferes with my day to day life.

I would prefer if I didn’t need to take meds, but I see it as a small price to pay so that life is no longer like an out of control roller coaster. Before I was on the correct mix of meds I was constantly in and out of hospital which was extremely disruptive.

So I am as normal as the next person (whatever normal is!) which gives me every reason to live. Also having supportive friends really helps. I have one close friend who is living with schizophrenia who manages extremely well because they are on meds that suit them.

So take heart Saree stability is definitely possible and there is no reason why you can’t live a happy and fulfilling life. To some extent life is what you make it so learn what you can about your illness and don’t allow others to define you. You are still mostly you which is more than enough to overcome the problems that you are wrestling with.

I wish you well on your voyage of discovery which is this thing we call ‘life’.

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🤗🤗

[smallwolf]

Hi JoJo - noticed your comments about it being a small part of your identity. I thought about that in relation to depression. It can be hard to see but you are right. Yet the thought of how we are in that low moment becomes everything. So I would have to remind myself of all my strengths and positives. It is probably better if it were written down so it can just be read vs remembered.

And yes, what is normal?

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

I didnt get to work today.

Spent the early hours vomiting. And gave up.

Feel so useless. Dont feel can go back to work at all.. not sure how to contact psychologist, keep having no idea what to say

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t be too hard on yourself. You may just need longer to recuperate before dealing with work. Following my first admission I rushed straight back to work and within a short time relapsed and ended up back in hospital for another month.

It takes time to adjust after being discharged from hospital and often everyone around you have high expectations of you. They usually don’t understand it’s not the same as coming home following a physical illness.

Try and call your psychologist and share what you are going through rather than suffer in silence. The more support you have the better.

Be kind to yourself Saree during this time. Do you have any outpatient mental health services support? Take care and work at your recovery on your own terms.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗💐