Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I already feel incompetent enough. My manager is going to check in with me now several times a day, due to my "quitting" episode and the police rocking up to work.

There really isnt the option to take time off work at the min. Im overbooked and am having to bring work home as it is.

Really bad headspace today Jojo. I'm home in tears, cant even gym as hurt knee.

Will distract, but for what point?

Sorry for being so useless atm. Sorry

[Saree_p]

Can't even make a simple phone call... and my bf doesnt want to be home..

I'm sorry.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Why did the police come to your workplace? Someone must have been really worried about you?

I don’t understand why you can’t have some time off work when you are feeling so dreadful- I don’t care how overbooked you are.

You are definitely not useless. If anything you are highly competent as you are somehow still managing to function. I don’t know how you do it, but maybe that’s the problem. Are you afraid you might let people down?

Please put your own welfare first for a change, you deserve it and are worth it.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
Afraid is the understatement.
I don't understand either really. But I think it's cause I tried to ... a few times.

Competent would be someone who tried to.... n fails.... but keeps trying - definition of insanity.

Funny thing, they check on me which = total destruction. Always has.

I don't know what to do anymore Jojo I just can't

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

What do you mean when you said: they check on me which = total destruction? I am not sure I am following your train of thought?

Are you managing to sleep or switch off at all? And eat?

My heart goes out to you, but I am not sure how helpful my comments are as I feel you really need a break from work and some tlc.

My thoughts are with you xox

With love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I am sorry, your comments and advice are welcome, I am just scared of a) the consequences at work and b) how i'd cope of if it would make it worse.

I've ended up leaving work again today. Was just sitting there in tears. I do not know what to do anymore. This is over a week of fighting the urges. Just so tired and over it.

 I do appreciate what you have tried to do and been there for me.

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

I have even tried to take my antipsychotic - which have had to this week - to calm my thoughts. It's worked but hasn't. Mind is dulled, not activated, but the feeling is still there as it always has been. and in some ways, it is worse.

I tried to contact my psychologist in case she had any spare appointments but heard nothing. I simply give up. I've tried everything. What do I do? I don't want to be admitted as it will ruin everything.

Sorry Jojo, I feel like I can ask you as you have been here (or similar), I don't feel many actually truly understand how much hell I feel.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I hear your pain and desperation. Persevere with trying to see someone urgently be it your GP, the psychologist or your psychiatrist. You need some extra support at this time.

I don’t see how hospital would spoil things as you are breaking down in tears at work and ending up going home.

I do know how you are feeling and I also know that I wasn’t able to manage without hospital. Give yourself a break and get the help you need. You need proper care to get through this overwhelming time.

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I will try.

I really don't want to end up in the hospital. If you remember back to when I was hospitalised twice in short succession, it ended up making the current progress incredibly hard.

Thanks Jojo, sorry for everything

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

You have nothing to be sorry for and I know how hard you are trying. Please take a few big breaths and start making some phone calls to see if you can be seen asap.

Stay safe and strong xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗👋