Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope your appointment went well with the psychologist today. You are probably pretty tired so it’s okay if you don’t post straight away.

Sounds like your bf is educating himself about bipolar versus BPD which is great. He is ideally placed to assess your moods and behaviours and hopefully his opinion will be listened to.

My tooth is fine now thanks for asking.

Sending you positive thoughts xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💐

[Saree_p]

Thank Tim & Jojo,

I was exhausted Jojo, did very little all day to attempt to reserve energy, but really struggled throughout the whole session. Clearly noticeable.

It ended up being positive. Will set up regular appointments - gotta ask work today. She is aware of our concerns, understands the process of how I've ended up with BPD, the issues between the private psychiatrist and CAT psychiatrist - so how I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and then not treated. She has strongly suggested there is a psychiatrist involved and we keep her as a consistent person who will carry weight with what she sees. Basically lets start from ground zero and figure out where it all fits, whether that be PTSD, BPD or bipolar.

I do think after the chat everyone was heading towards to the Bipolar - as the symptomology was discussed and my history, aka, how I ended up in psych services to begin with and why. I think the clearest one was discussing the time with my ex, that I levelled out a lot with the children because they came first and I had to look after them, but even that drive and need I still had a couple of massive episodes per year.

But at this stage, she wants us to return, learn some managing and monitoring techniques that will help and are good for tracking bipolar. So if it is that we are not ignoring it.

So just maybe friends, might be getting somewhere.

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

I hope you don't mind my saying, but I am happy for you that you can start from ground zero with someone and then get somewhere positive. For what it is worth I have both a psychologist and psychiatrist - the psychiatrist lets the other do the talk therapy, and she can just worry about the medication. It also sounds like you were with someone who was actively listening to you. How did that feel?

Tim

[Saree_p]

Thanks Tim,

I think I'm glad too, but cautious. Comment tonight to partner is all seems to be falling into place, but I thought it was before. Scared it'll backfire.

Even took the step today to talk to boss. Very minimally, but under the lined of I'm trying to sort mh issues and what's being looked at, n the need for regular appointments but wanna keep contract. Went well (if no remifications) will have my job no matter what I need to deal with. Suggested on stress of cutting rdos in half, I work an extra half hour each day n take the time for appointments..... let's say I knew the conversation would have to occur, and anxiety was high, but went so much better than I thought... Just hope some it cope it for it ...

But became apparent it's been noticed. I started with saying that after an appointment yesterday (RDO got switched for it) it was clear I needed space for regular appointments in business hours... . Next questions was are u ok. So yeah, my honestly kicked in. I apologised and got told off, "STOP apologising for being human".
But I hope it's positive. And in feeling like it can be sorted, but then scared. Sounds weird I know. But after 12 years now, there is the possibility it might be sorted. I don't want to hope it is in case it's not...

Sound weird I know

[smallwolf]

I don't know about you Saree, but for me, striving for perfection, and being somewhat non-emotional means I can be somewhat robotic. Anyway I was with my psychiatrist one day, and while I cannot remember what the conversation was about she said to me...

so you are human after all

We each (?) have our own reasons for being super-human - protection, a means of survival, wanting to be good enough, the list goes on. I can be (or AM) my own worst critic. It will get sorted - give yourself time. And sorted might not be the way envisioned but you will get there. Your story so far as demonstrated that - of not giving up, of looking for answers. Your determination will get you there.

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so glad for you the appointment with the psychologist went well. That’s a huge positive so hope you can continue to work through all your mh issues.

I think it’s great you have been able to share with work what’s happening which should take a lot of the pressure off of you. Sounds like your boss is very supportive and understanding. Must be a relief.

How often will you be seeing the psychologist?

We are having some hot weather with 38 degrees over the last 3 days so the air con is having a good work out. Have also had to make sure my new shrubs have enough water. How is the weather in Tassie?

So take one day at a time and take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💝

[Saree_p]

Hi friends,
Sorry for the delay. Been a little rocky this weekend.

I am a little relieved about work, had been putting it off. But I guess it came down to the fact I had no choice.
See the psychologist next Tuesday.

Oh Jojo, I do not envy u at all!! We have been having rain, wind, even snow.... hoping we might get summer soon.

For once it feels like everything might be heading in the right direction, but I don't know

Guess I'm worried it'll feel like is all good and the it backfires...

Hope u r both safe from the fires etc.
Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

I think you know what I am about to say, and is something my psychologist continually told/tells me - to remember how far we have come. ie Don't worry about (too much) about the goal line.

I have some days (recently) where I felt good and others (like today) where it feels like like I am at starting line again. All I can do is push through each day.

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad to hear you feel things are heading in the right direction. Hope you have a good session with the psychologist today and you keep moving in a positive direction.

I am going through a difficult time atm as I recently did a welfare check on my brother and was told by the police that he is homeless and living out of his car somewhere. The reason they knew this was because he had reported his car stolen. I am worried sick and just hope the police can find him as I could help him out.

Wishing you well xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Boo,

I'm so sorry Jojo!! That must be super hard. Are u ok?

Lots of love Saree