Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you are feeling so unsettled and frustrated with the system and the way they are not listening to you.

From what you have shared with me I suspect rapid cycling bipolar fits, but of course I am not qualified. I don’t know much about BPD so I can’t comment on that.

I am also sorry things are not going so great at work. Have you disclosed you have a mental illness? Some workplaces are very supportive. Might take the pressure off a bit.

Hang in there Saree you are strong and you always manage to find a way through.

As always you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💐

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

No history has been discussed with me. Quite literally it's all based of a hospital admission when I was 17 and again when 18. Both depressive episode and I was acting out because didn't know what was happening.
My GP was the first person who started discussing symptoms etc with me. No one else has, I've just been told what's wrong and when I've tried to explain it's not the case I've been told it is and I'm purely in denial or manipulating it.
My history, and background is a degree in psychology (good lot of help that's been).

Jojo, I think ur right. So does my dad, my partner just doesn't know what to believe or think.

I just don't know where to turn to get help anymore, because the fact I've tried to get help apparently is a problem.

Jojo, basically BPD can be made to fit if u twist reasons for behaviour. BPD is personality based not chemical imbalances or wiring etc. So literally left to manage myself. The key defining thing is that moods flip every couple of hours due to triggers.... But mine last days to weeks - atm extremely unstable but yeah. Depressive episode for 4 days and counting now - not for hours, not for manipulating, and technically nothing is really wrong.

Work, I can't disclosed mental health issues when I don't know what they are. After an explosion of frustration at manager, due to crap was coping, she explained all to me. So now at least I know it's not just me and whilst it's not fair, there is a reason for stuff.
I can cope with that.

Home all day by myself. Gotta try to exercise, supermarket n cook tea.... really can't be bothered and don't see the point. But trying to care for partner - external focus to self.

Sorry all

[smallwolf]

Going slightly off topic - I was listening to a pod cast on domestic abuse recently where the husband was abusing the wife in some way. The change in the way things developed between the husband and wife occurred slowly over time. The wife thought the requests odd, but accepted them. The wife was also a psychologist.

In my, things happened like a slow burn, all of which became my normal. At the same time it was not normal for others. To the point where I was suicidal for a time. And more ... someone can chat to me about some problem and I can present a number of possible solutions and unable to do that for myself. Crazy huh! So despite you being in psychology makes finding the answer harder?

Have an idea.. if someone came to you and said such and such (some-therapist) would not listen to me, what would you tell them to do? Or perhaps the person was unable to verbally talk about some problem?

The last thing comes from Brene Brown and her spiritual awakening when she looked for her own therapist.. Of course, this is hard when nobody seems to listen to you! So you get stuck a rut and seemingly get nowhere. If "everyone" is using existing information about you, what would do you to find the answer? Could you also do talk-therapy with someone without that initial (/additional) baggage?

Still here with you. Sitting beside you. Listening.

Tim

[Saree_p]

And sorry, I didn't reply and answer your questions well.

If got the chance I would simply explain what's been happening, why I think bipolar matches, how scared I am that I think it does. Why it explains the past so well, what I can do to assust/stop the cycles.
I'm struggling so much to function, and when I have those small moments of clarity of who I am when I'm well, I just want that person.... not have my memory and cognitive abilities declining or not functioning.

Sorry. Hope makes sense.

I really just want so practical help. And potentially pharmaceutical as I don't think I can manage it anymore

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for distracting yourself by focusing on exercise, shopping and generally taking care of your bf, even if you don’t feel like it.

It’s a pity there is such a wait before you can see the psychiatrist. Is it possible to check and see if they have any cancellations and get seen sooner?

I would agree you definitely seem to have a mood disorder, which is typical of bipolar, as you appear to swing from one extreme to the other. Are you on any medication at all?

Hope everything settles down at work for you.

Take good care of yourself xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼💐

[Saree_p]

Sorry to you both, but thank you as well.

Feel horrible and like completely wasting your time, but then feel slightly less alone.

Tim I'll be trying a new psychologist on Wednesday. So see how it goes. Difficulty being my partner will be attending, it's more things are at the point that they need to get sorted, not up in the air for a century.

I just think things are past were therapy will help. It's not pattern of thought that are the issue. That's become real clear of late. I can be thinking and working things the right way etc, but mood is what it is.

Jojo, the one mood stabilised was tried on had bad side effects so didn't want to take it. It did really help, but was too sedative and I did end up in depressive state a lot easier. I've basically been told that hasn't worked so makes it clear it's not bipolar (GP), she prescribed me a different antidepressant for use when hypomanic. GP wouldn't trust me with it and it's been given to do partner who has locked in safe. Feels wonderful to be trusted not. But I know from experience that it won't help and I get worse on antidepressants, so what's the point.

Don't think there is a way of pushing it forward. I was lucky to get it when I did, but I'm guessing it'll be a waste of time, as GP will pass on her beliefs now, and yeah. Guess I've just lost hope. Just don't know what to do anymore.
I simply wish it was understood the impact the moods are having.
Guess I'm starting to realise how unwell I actually am now and simply want someone to help, not make it all feel impossible.

When I'm so low that no amount of self talk makes anything feel good or even matter, when I've got physical issues that make it feel impossible to function.

Sorry all

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree - never apologise for writing here. It is a space where you are allowed to just be yourself. You are not wasting my time.

And good luck for Wednesday. I hope it all goes well for you. I am unsure about partners attending. When my dad first saw a psychologist recently, mum went with him and would sit in the background to fill in any gaps if needed. I have no idea whether to what level she might have participated. I think dad liked the security having her there. Me... not sure if I could do it.

I am thinking out loud here, but you could use part of the 2nd last paragraph when you see the psychologist - the part about your concern about GP passing on her beliefs and you feel you won't get a say in any of it. Well, that is how I have been reading your last posts. This may sound a little odd given my lack of knowledge but I am doing a unit on case management as part my counselling diploma, and one of the main things is involvement on the client in providing information.

On the self-talk ... I don't know if I mentioned this app to you and I was slightly skeptical about the word search function in "virtual hope box" but I would kept playing it until it started to kick in. The first time I did it - didn't take long to complete and I thought it was a waste of time. But I did it again and again until something changed in my head. Now I will admit there are times when it would take a lot longer to work. And that was when someone else suggested prayer beads. But that is a different story. Though my dad just uses a small block of wood! I suppose we have have to work out what works for us, and not what works for everybody else.

I am hopeful things will work out for you. Just breathe...

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I Hope everything goes well for you at your psychologist appointment tomorrow and that you are able to have your say rather than be drowned out by the opinions of your GP.

I am sorry medication didn’t really help you, but with me it took time before they found the right combination to manage my illness. If I were you I would discuss medication with the psychiatrist and get his opinion.

How are you sleeping these days?

I had to go to the dentist this week (not my most favourite place!) as I broke a tooth. I don’t mind the needle, but hate the drill. Anyway it’s all good now.

So try and stay positive and keep your spirits up xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🦷🤪

[Saree_p]

Thanks Friends,

Quite anxious about today, but will find out.

Hope your tooth is ok Jojo.

Sleep has been excessive, been getting 10-12 hours + naps over weekend. Just been exhausted. Crying kicked back in today. Thought was coming out of it yesterday but back in today.

Just so tired. Weighed self today and lost 5kg in last couple of weeks. Good thing as id put on a bit.

Oh, my partner finally got through all the information on each condition and the differences etc. He agrees with me, whilst I have traits of BPD I don't fit the condition at all. And bipolar is what he is seeing.

Mind you, he then turned around and told me my mum is BPD.... I went yep, hence why I know I'm not, but aware there are traits.... I know what that condition looks like. Was just funny tho. Was nice to have someone see what I see. I literally sent him on his was and asked him to evaluate untainted by me.

So see how this arvo goes I guess.

Thanks

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Just checking in to see how your day went.... you were going to see the psychologist. Hope it went well for you.

Sounds like you have a good partner as well - reading through all the information with you.

Still here with you,

Tim