Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[smallwolf]

The exercises going ok. You realise then how many negative thoughts you may have but never thought about before. I think that I will be doing it for a while cause while I can do the exercise it is easy for the negative thoughts to happen

More to add later

[Saree_p]

Hi Dear Friends,

Simply wanted to let you know that the engulfing dark veil has lifted. I was such an idiot for thinking so negatively - the world is truly a wonderful place. 🤗🌈

I went flighty last night, but eventually crashed and didn't want to get up this morning. But then at some point everything felt fun and good. 🎶😎

despite work being boring - Many conversations were had and I was proven right - because I am good at what I do!! and I was right 🤷‍♀️👅

First day in weeks I have been starving and ate 👀. Sorted all the shit I have been trying to for weeks!! was so easy! then came home, exercised, then went for walk/run + pokemon GO. Followed by a Shower with partner (including fun time ❤😎✨). I then powered through a lot of study.... dinner (nom nom nom), played 2 games, then partner went to bed, so should I, as partner went a while back.

Sorry - that was a long winded way of saying I am great 😘🙃

the world is a fantastic place - so sorry thinking otherwise.

What are you all up to?

whats going on?

Simply wanna 💃😊🎶🌈

Peace out 🐱‍🐉

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so glad to hear the dark cloud has lifted from you 😊. Just be aware your mood doesn’t escalate too much. For me I had to try and be aware of my ‘happiness level’ because if it went too high then I tended to unravel.

It was very frustrating at the beginning because often I had many reasons to be feeling happy and positive so I didn’t always recognise my mood was becoming too high.

Where did you have to fly to for the training course? Hope it was useful.

I am really enjoying my new garden thanks. It is great to have a peaceful place to sit and relax. There has been heavy rain tonight so my plants are getting watered in thoroughly.

I am glad life is wonderful for you again. Hold onto these times through the dark days.

Take care dear friend xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree - been better. I was feeling good for a day and and half and then one meeting followed by something my wife said (she would not have known, because I have not told her) and things turned 180 degrees - sometimes caught between a rock and a hard place. Things will turn around. They always do. And from there will turn again.

[Saree_p]

Hello Friends,

How are you feeling now Tim? Hope it has done a complete turn around and is ok again 😊 Sorry for the delayed response.

Jojo - Whoops. That is exactly what I did within under 24 hours. The weekend has been very rocky. Sat an exam this morning and followed up with a GP appointment. Both me and my partner attended.

Well, after a phone call to the community mental health psychologist who hasnt kept contact and has lied about her keeping contact, my GP has done a 360 and now believes it is C-PTSD & BPD not Bipolar. So literally back to ground zero. Back to a diagnosis which means no one will listen to you about what is going on because you are only making them happen to manipulate situations to achieve outcomes you desire. So literally doesn't matter what is really happening, no one will trust or believe me. My partner has observed the mood swings and even now she believed I was manipulating him. Why would I do that? why would I bother?

I am currently going through what I googled (because no one could answer me - my GP) a mixed state. I have had two lots of hallucinations and a severe depressive point then right back to completely energetic. I took medication designed to make me sleep and was still wired 6 hours later!!!

I honestly do not know what to do anymore. Rock and a hard place. I seriously thought I was finally making progress towards getting help and thought there was light at the end of the tunnel for not having to live this way anymore. But then I have my GP pack it in and literally, just deal with this on your own again because no one will believe you.

My partner see this all as a positive - he now has medication that I he will control (due to me suiciding if depressed) to stop the higher states, but there is no long term management, plan, or anything. merely throw hands up and oh well.

So what do I do? Pack it in? Call the community psych again for the 4th time in 3 weeks with no return call....

My poor partner, he is so naive and thinks this can all be figured out. But I know this path - I walked away from it years and years ago. Got healthy, self managed the mood swings that occured twice a year. end of spring into summer time and autumn.

I seriously can't do this. I just started to think this could all be sorted, but no.

Maybe it is just me and I am completely ..... in the head.

Seriously been fighting this way too long.

what now? or what next? - nothing

Sorry dear friends - long rant of exacerbation.

Saree

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Its OK to rant - if you cannot do it here, where can you do it?

I am OK (?) today. I should do some study tonight - that seems to the improve my mood or give a feeling of actually doing something.

I think that you know the answers to all those questions? Can I call them rhetorical questions?

I cannot imagine how the frustrating your situation much be with the changes of diagnosis. However it seems that you were able to manage the mood swings. If so, what is the difference between then and now?And while you mention you "can't do this" it seems that you have done so, and able to do it again.

I think your partner is trying the help the best way he can. Maybe he can answer the questions you raised here. I am not suggesting you ask him. Perhaps let him be a rock for you - something that you can hold onto when you feel low who can sit with you and be there for you.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

Tim

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Feel free to have a rant any time! Sorry you seem to be going through a very frustrating period with the uncertainty of your diagnosis. Is your GP really the best person to be telling you this? Shouldn’t that be the psychiatrist’s role?

I am really glad your bf can support you by being in charge of the meds. He seems to be holding up pretty well considering what you have been going through which is great.

Do you think BPD fits as a diagnosis? I know I knew I was bipolar before I was officially told. I remember telling my brother I was like Spike Milligan and he just laughed, but I was right. It was a huge relief knowing what was wrong and that it was treatable.

How is the studying going, are you able to keep up?

Wishing you well xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

To you both,

I used to manage the best I could, partly I believe because I was the issue and could maintain it. For some reason I'm no longer able to and I don't know why.
Everyone can see the differences in mood - I used go hide it.

My partner is my rock and I feel beyond guilty for it.

Jojo, BPD doesn't fit. I have traits yes but I can read apart the diagnosis and am clear it doesn't fit. But obviously part of the issue is the fact I'm the one saying it.... u can twist bipolar things to fit BPD if u want... my GP was one way but no idea what changed.
Psychiatrist should be making the call... my partner really wants to keep the psychiatrist appointment in mid December... but GP made clear there is no point.

I tried to explain the complications of BPD to partner and he was clear, if u manipulate me it wouldn't work because id get pissed off ... my response, that's so not me!!!
Yes I self protect against professionals because of all the crap I've been through before....
Jojo, bipolar fits, I can look back n it's so obvious but now no one will believe me.

Hit back to depressive stage this morning... think the changes in meds (taking/Not tsking) has caused half of the recent issues. Plus I now know this is the normal time to of year I hit issues.

Kinda scared it's getting worse. But can't fight anymore.

What do I do friends? My partner and I want to move on with a life. I'm currently that down my body is physically playing up. If it was just me id say screw the system and do my own thing until it clearly became worse. But now because it's us n id love kids etc i need it sorted, but that means I'm manipulating.
Currently I can barely lift my legs partner to walk. I'm fighting, but yeah.
My partner is my rock, but I want more than that.

I guess I feel stuck. I feel like the only option is to let it get worse- which I don't want to do - so it's diagnosed correctly and treated.

Sorry. Rambling. Just so frustrated and tired.

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

This is just for the sale of trying to stay here.

Nearly cracked the shits at work today. Spent 6 hours n 36 mins trying not to walk. Was unable to hide mood and tears + didn't care at 4 hours and 5 mins.

I decided after hours of trying to hide inability to read words off a computer and tears running down my face for no reason, to try and write up all the diagnostic criteria for all the diagnosis I've been given over the time.
End result = arguments for depression, anxiety, PTSD (C-PTSD doesn't formally exist) and bipolar. BPD, at a push I meet maximum 4 criteria (U need minimum of 5) and that's if u ignore my reasons for drinking n spending money + feelings for emptiness. So I'd say I meet 2 criteria, but allowed for self bias. So wtf am I missing?

Apparently my need for answers means I am fixated, yet no one gets I don't need those answers until I hit the depressive side. Oh late my partner has needed answers not me.

I think I've hit the bad side... again.... but this time I think it's the long lasting one. Will see... it's the one that doendt matter what happens because can die when I choose. I don't wanna be anywhere than bed. So rationality.

I do wish the professionals would actually talk to me and try to understand... but all this crap has happened based off hospital admissions (short periods of time) and history from when I was 16..... first massive depressive episode n I didn't know what was happening, so refused to talk to anyone and hide...

Sorry all, but this is my day most days I just pretend

[smallwolf]

Hey Saree,

I can see the frustration in your writing about others not understanding. I would have thought or hoped "they" would have spoken to you as well in order the get the full history?

How important is it for you to know or have [all?] the answers? If you were a regular person like me without the knowledge what would that mean for you? I cannot remember where your expertise lies, but when it comes to medical things, is it possible that we might see things that may or may not exist? I would read a page on a web site (fed into FB) and reading an article on BPD I could read things in the article that were in me. Thing is, I have never believed in using things like Dr Google and diagnose myself - I am not qualified. I brought this up at a session and my psychologist just said you don't have that. I guess at that time I was looking for some sort of categorization. To this day, all I can say is depression, anxiety and suicide ideation. Contrast that with my dad who was diagnosed with GAD, and my nephew with something else. Perhaps I am just ranting because other can get a diagnosis but I...

If they did listen to you, what would you tell them?

Always listening,

Tim