Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Thanks everyone,

Lilly - that is ok, but it is great to hear from you!! 😊

Yes my bf does cook. I hadn't been feeling well and ontop of it didn't feel like eating. He knew I had eaten very little for 2+ days. He is a simple, but healthy cook - however he can actually cook and does when he has time. So last night, I knocked off work, to go to his for him to be in the kitchen cooking some foods, this was after 8pm. Then this morning, there is a coconut (due to intolerances) coffee - I normally have water and a little coconut milk, but he was making sure I had something of substance. It is an odd feeling to be cared for. I am actually really struggling with it atm, and the negative cycles are playing havoc and creating a lot of insecurities.

GP appointment.

I am too low to function and think straight. GP is frustrated with the CAT Team, and is perplexed as to why its been so difficult.

She will send an email off to the private psychiatrist. Currently we are ignoring the CAT Team psychiatrist opinion and the diagnosis are Complex PTSD and bipolar 2 (with a question as to whether it is crossing into 1, last couple of episodes are fitting into that diagnosis apparently).

Currently she is worried I am too low - didn't tell her quite how low, as I know that either means hospital or CAT Team and as they have been useless there is no point. She went to mention it and then shut up again. After all the crap I do not see the point. She kept asking if I was safe, and I couldn't answer. It's just the reality, there is nothing that can really be done. I am stuck in this current phase. I just wish I had more energy to fight my head. I really don't.

I have just got to find a way through, right now, I do not know how. But it's the only option. I can see I am creating opportunities to be alone and act but as soon as I am realising them I am trying to counter it. I just worry about how much my bf can actually take. Having someone who is this low around isn't helpful.

Sorry friends, lovely to hear from you all xx

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you are feeling so lousy. Will you see the private psychiatrist again?

I don’t think you need to worry about your bf as he clearly wants to be part of your life no matter what that entails. He seems to have a very caring nature which is lovely.

Try not to isolate yourself atm even though you probably want to run and hide. Try to eat and get enough sleep.

Keep telling yourself that this time will pass.

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Um I guess that is the GP plan. She wasn't to sure what to do now or what the go is.
I'm sorry, I really didn't want to be at the appointment, struggled to get out of bed and get there.
Been sleeping Jojo, bit too much, or just lying there. Nothing is getting done and simply want to walk out of work.

Jojo, what helps you through these bad times? When u used to have em?

Bf is trying to surprise me with something on Saturday, I hope I can pull together the energy.

Lots of love xx

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for getting out of bed and keeping your appointment.

I have struggled to cope at times too during the lows. I have also slept a lot just to ged rid of time which isn’t ideal.

The best thing I found to get through was to find some sort of distraction to take my mind off things. For me it was computer games or puzzles such as crosswords and, more recently, sudoku. Sometimes TV helped other times it would be an irritation.

However, at my absolute worst I have voluntarily gone into hospital as I didn’t feel safe. Following discharge I have always had very good follow up by community mental health services who also helped me through some of my low times.

Nowadays I rely on my meds to keep me well and fortunately have few side effects. I also have learned as much as I can about my illness and how to recognise my early warning signs and understand my triggers. This means I can nip episodes in the bud before things start to unravel.

Hope this is of some help.

Hang in there Saree and I hope you have a lovely surprise from your bf on the weekend xox

With love from your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

It does a little. Think I've done/do most of those things - bar learning about the illness. Is there things you suggest? I know a far bit through my studies but it's all the negative stuff.

Sleeping atm has seemed to be a combination of literally need to sleep and then don't want to move or can't.

Think this is my lowest ever, or at least it feels it.
Have to try and make it to Sunday at least for bf, no idea his plans but he was pretty adamant about me not working and is planning something. Really couldn't care about work anymore.

By the way, we know the community mental health team here apparently hate me 😂

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope you are coping a bit better today. It’s such a pity the community mental health team are so unhelpful because that’s what helped me enormously as an outpatient.

Start to learn what your triggers are. For me it was often to do with my family - my Dad was in and out of hospital quite a few times which was very stressful and my Mum didn’t cope all that well either.

Try and enjoy the weekend with your bf and hope it is a lovely surprise.

Thoughts are with you xox

With much love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Not been good at all. Sorry.

Been awake for 24 hours now, ultimately I am exhausted.but everything derailed today.
Next week is impossible.

Triggers, family for sure, pressure, and others moods. I'm sure there is more and will keep looking.

Not sure I can do it Jojo but gotta try.

Thanks,
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry things are not good with you. What do you mean by derailed?

Would you consider taking some more time off work or going into hospital?

Is your GP seeing you again or is she going to contact you after she gets a reply from the private psychiatrist?

I don’t know how you have managed to get through for this long. You are pretty determined that’s for sure. Or stubborn lol (your words not mine).

Try and rest and don’t forget to eat xox

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

With much love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Considered doing that, almost have several times today.

Work stuffed up a lot today. I no longer have any days off for ages. Next week is a 51 hour week, excluding sleep lovers. Will end up spending 60+ hours at work. I just can't. And I can't not do.

I lost my shit with workers, they are just so stupid. Mother is playing games.

I just can't Jojo.

Maybe just stupid lol.

The more I reflect on this diagnosis and its meaning and the history. I don't know either anymore.
GP realises I've had enough I think. She didn't want to push me and is trusting me. Think the plan was to wait and hear from her, if she gets results, considering how much I've been boy fed around with no results.

I think I'm done Jojo. Maybe it's just the negativity, but I'm so tired.

[Saree_p]

Thanks as always dear friend