Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Thanks to you both!

Tim - Hi! long time no see. How are you doing?

Jojo - thanks as always 😊 The psychologist was kind of very clear, especially after the quick background of facts, that this will be a long lengthy process and expensive lol, but I think I need to, not only for me anymore, but if I want this relationship to work I can't exist as I am.

I have been trying to study today, inbetween throwing up from my nervous system overreacting. I think I will drop a subject that I am dreading. I thought I could do a full-time study load on top of workload and relationship, plus treatment. I am not sure that is very wise anymore. Think I need to focus more on the treatment side. What's your thoughts? Bf is a bit reserved as he wants me to succeed as much as I can, and he knows its what I want and I am stubborn.

Tax is lodged, Shout out to my sister and accountant. Just sat and answered questions. However got faced with my ex and our relationship issues again. It's been a day.

I confess I am freaking out about trusting because it is a novelty to me. or more accurately I have done so to never have support but be hurt or diminished. So the scared fact is apparently I can not laugh and burry it under the rug. My bf observes everything, he worries (which means I matter to him), he will do anything he can to help (meaning he is planning a future) - this shit is scary. Today the direct validation that my history is a living nightmare, that (as I think it was put) - no wonder I have issues that are manifesting as they did. The psychologist and I did joke about my referral, she did say referrals like mine are the extreme end and require treatment that way. So it is scary, because that was without me being honest about events, it was based off the history of mh problems plus my apparent stubborness, hence no treatment for long times, and ex. And I am rambling. sorry

I guess I am freaking out, not sure what to do, so many questions. no answers. and still have the really dark mood that is engulfing.

Also can't get the guys face out of my head, but can't place it.

Thank you wonderful people, I don't think you realise how much I value being able to say my mind.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you are going to make therapy a priority and if I were you I would carefully assess the workload of both uni and work. Now is not the time to take on everything you usually would as therapy will be quite a challenge. Allow for time to process your sessions.

Your bf will hopefully learn how to help you as he gets to know you more and you learn to trust him.

I am glad your first impression of the psychologist is a positive one as that goes a long way towards developing trust and a good rapport.

It might be worthwhile writing about your sessions, if you are not already doing so. See what you think.

You are off to a really good start. Keep up the good work xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo 😊

I was trying to do my excessive load with a new relationship, and everything else. But I think it is too much.

Bf wants to help. but I am a stubborn person. Mind you he is more of a partner than my ex of 7 years... so who am I to judge.

I guess next big thing is doctor and what is happening that side. still haven't booked MRI, think she may kill me.

Currently just gotta get through tonight. Sounds so stupid, i know, with all the positives. but yeah, it is that dark, for no real reason.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done for deciding to cut back your workload and btw I think of you as determined rather than stubborn.

It’s so great that your bf is ready to stand by you and give you the support that you need. That’s priceless.

I think your GP will be very proud of you so don’t stress, but do get the MRI done whenever you can.

I am extremely proud of you too for starting counselling without doing a runner! Well done, big pat on the back.

Take care and be kind to yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi all,

I ended up having a really bad night/morning again. I didn't think I was going to make it through at all. But I did.

Really feeling horrid today. Want to hide from the world completely, but not sure I can.
Trying to hold on to the fact it's just under 22 hours till GP. Not sure what difference it'll make but, yeah.

Can't believe it go so so dark again,
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry you are having such a rough time. Is there any way you could see your GP sooner? Otherwise use distraction and mindfulness breathing see if that helps.

Are you hiding from your bf too? Try to let him in at this difficult time as it might help. Even if you feel blah it is always good to have someone around who cares.

My thoughts and prayers are with you xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[Saree_p]

Wonderful friend,

I did consider trying for GP sooner, but then really didn't have energy and struggling to see the benefit of it. In the end couldn't talk myself into it.

I am at work at the moment, really struggling, almost called in sick. I'm actually struggling to stay awake or not burst into tears, and the thoughts are so bad. So stupid.

I did commit to going to bf's tonight and then to GP's from his in the morning. Will only be on my own for a couple of ours from when he leaves for work and gp. he has requested I eat, no matter how late it is tonight tho, really feel sick at prospect

I just wanna go home though, no housemate atm and no one is there. So tempting.

I do realise this is part of that cycle and this is the extreme lows side, but that knowledge is only helping a little.

Sorry wonderful friend.

I just wish I knew what to do and how to fix this.

Hope you have had a wonderful day and it is lovely weather where you are,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you are spending tonight at your bf’s and he is right please try and eat something to keep your strength up. Even if it is just soup and a sandwich or eggs (if that is what you are able to eat).

You sound really tired so try and get a good nights sleep if possible.

Take good care of yourself and let me know how you get on at the GP.

With love your friend Jojo 🌼🕯

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

Few interweb problems today when I tried to post this earlier...

I said that trying to manage work and a full time study would be hard for most people, and then you have also throwing in health and relationship as well. Phew! Hard for me to think about all of that. Now full time work and part time study is OK if my brain were functioning, and that was how I did my Masters and BTh (ongoing).

And then I mentioned something about relationships...

Your bf sounds very supportive towards you. And you also freaking out about trust. If you were not in a relationship I wonder if you would study and work to the detriment of other things? But now that you have a bf, what would happen if you allowed yourself to have a little fun as well? Could he also be a sounding board when you have assessments to do?

Does your bf cook?

Tim

[Lilly99]

Dear Saree,

Good luck today with the gp.

Sorry I haven’t been posting

Lilly