Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

Yes Jojo, and he is still trying to do guilt trip things.

Mood is really bad.

Got through interview, think it went well. Resume is impressive apparently. They weren't to happy with me needing a couple of weeks notice though, so wait and see.

CAT team didn't do as they said again, so more frustration with being anxious over it all.

Got a busy adulting week, and really feel like giving in.

Weather is shocking too.

Hope your doing ok Jojo,
Thanks for checking in,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Well done with the interview and sounds like you have a good chance of getting the job. Fingers crossed for you.

Sorry to hear about CAT team letting you down yet again. They are hopeless!

When do you see your GP this week? Hopefully she can figure out what to do next.

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

It's okay Jojo,

They rang after being told to leave me alone, but then set up when they'd try and call again, but didn't.

Psychologist tomorrow morning.
GP Friday morning.

We will see Jojo. Have no idea what I am doing with any of this anymore.

Hiding hiding hiding.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Try not to hide, just be honest about how things have been for you.

Well done for seeing the psychologist tomorrow- let me know how it goes. Will be thinking of you.

Stay safe xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,
I will.
Last night had some bad things crop up, haven't slept much, bf is freaked out a fair bit but just wants to know how to deal with. Don't really know how he can.
So every incentive to get help, but so terrified. Currently terrified about bf seeing stuff as it is - no one witnesses this stuff really.

Only a couple of hours till appointment.
Feel like a walking talking nutcase atm. But still in a half dissociated state.

Just gotta not panic and walk in.

Fingers crossed,
Saree

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

I made it to the appointment.

Several freak outs, she ran through a lot of things I know, but I knew the importance behind the practice.

the psychologist actually seems in tune, intuitive with what is happening. So there is promise there. A brief history was covered - I kept loosing words but got blunt facts out. Did some of the breathing exercises and a different version of mindfulness breathing I have not ever covered. I had a panic attack during this (thought I kept it hidden but seems she waited to see what I did with it - try and self-calm - and then started talking me through it). hence why she seems in tune and if she can pick up on what I can not say, it'll be a huge help.

I did want to ask her the questions my bf had but I just couldn't, will try and get him answers from own education and then see later down the track.

Feel rather exhausted, very dissociated and nearly crying constantly.

She did make clear she did not care where the diagnosis sits - as mh plan was done 2 months ago, gave her a quick fill-in on recent events. Focus is on treating the trauma and then will deal with what is left.

First time in a while I haven't felt like a walking and talking bag of labelled problems.

Mind you I am reeling so much. so annoyed at self. And I guess I know this low mood has a reel grip on me at the moment.

Sorry Jojo, wish was more uplifting.

Thanks wonderful friend,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I disagree, I think this is a very uplifting post. You have learnt a new mindfulness breathing technique and the psychologist seems to pick up on things you normally hide.

You are bound to be tired and emotional afterwards so don’t be too concerned about that.

It’s also really good that the psychologist is not worried about your diagnosis and more interested in dealing with your trauma.

So very well done for going and for not hiding. When do you see the psychologist again?

Be gentle with yourself and try and do something nice as a reward xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

Currently, have another appointment booked for exactly 2 weeks time (Tuesday the 6th) but the psychologist has requested I am contacted in case of any cancellations - She expressed and made clear I will be a weekly client for a while. Kudos to me (not!!!) Guessing I am enough of a nutcase with trust issues that she felt 2 weeks inbetween won't suffice. She clearly has a full caseload so it's not like she needs me to attend every week.

Not sure there is a nice reward Jojo, hitting the study books, clearing a pc for sisters fiance, and going around there to do tax soon. YAY not.

Bf wants me to go around again tonight, but I am really not feeling it. Trying not to hide from him, but after intimate stuff last night I completely dissociated and then startled awake with a new face that I recognised and was terrified of but that I don't remember. Then we will add the layer of fear because I have let him in so so much.

Scary Jojo, it's becoming a commonality now! letting people in. Just gotta not bolt again. Mind you really really feeling the urge. Just had next weeks roster changed and OMG, big sighs. It did look nice, now not as of a couple of hours ago.

So even if the psychologist has a cancellation its gonna have to be incredibly good timing!

How is your day wonderful person?

As always I feel some relief being able to share this stuff with you. Makes it feel a little less terrifying.

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am glad you will eventually be seen weekly because you deserve that amount of support. And you are not a nutcase! You are perfectly normal with some mh issues.

Perhaps take things slowly with your bf while you are seeing the psychologist as you are bound to be quite emotional at times.

It’s natural to find it scary opening up to both your bf and the psychologist, but it will probably get easier the more you can do it.

You are doing really well Saree considering what you have been through so keep on keeping on.

Thoughts are with you xox

With Love Your friend Jojo 🌼

[smallwolf]

Hi Saree,

You mentioned fear about the letting people in. Is that a bad thing?

And you are not a nutcase. There have been occasions when I have been to my psychologist weekly - so I would have to be as well.

Tim