Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Sorry for tardy response Jojo.

The night didn't go well at all. Haven't gotten into GP.

Ended up in a massive fight with my sister last night. Guess wasn't really a fight, more a one-way blame session. Really wasn't good.

Basically after dealing with mum and mum lying etc as she always does, meeting up with another bf. We went back to hers to discuss, and I thought why not mention about the bipolar as I don't notice the swings and they could probably watch out for them.

a) got informed that everyone had suspected bipolar since I was 15-16, but apparently no one felt it was a good idea to get me help or support. Apparently, this was my fault cause I would never have listened.

b) my sister got raped in grade 10 and blames me for not being able to tell anyone. She then preceded to tell me I needed to stop blaming mum (I don't blame mum, I just do not forgive her). I tried to explain this but she wouldn't listen, and I got yeah hammered. So I got up to leave etc, she ended up following me and yelling at me in the st. I left as soon as I could.

So its affirmed where I stand in my family, removes false delusions of any help or support from them.

I am upset at myself because I literally have stood there thinking you are giving me this about being raped once when you were a lot older, and running the comparisons. I got angry and upset. I hate myself so much right now.

And to top it all off, I got home at 1 in the morning and Tinsel ran out the door. she hasn't come back either.

Sorry dear friends,

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t hate yourself. I am so sorry about what happened with your family. It sounds to me like they are not capable of the support that you need or are looking for.

I had a similar problem with my family. I asked them to contact mental health services on my behalf if they thought I was unwell. They failed to do so on a few occasions which caused me a lot of grief.

Has your sister had counselling regarding the rape? It sounds like she needs it. Just remember it was not your fault, you are not to blame.

Hope things go well with the CAT team tomorrow.

Tinsel will come back when she’s hungry. Try not to worry. Be gentle with yourself and get some rest xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Just wondering how you are feeling today.

Did you see the CAT team?

Hope things are going better for you than last night. Did Tinsel come back?

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,
I did see the CAT Team. Feel so stupid atm. One of them hates me, it's clear. The other one was asking the stupid questions. I basically got in trouble by the one that hates me for being referred again. One was trying to be kind and compasionate, but obviously yeah. Feel like a waste of time and a problem.
I left within 15 mins, basically ran out of there.
They said they'd ring tomorrow after talking to psychiatrist. But basically have no idea what is going on. Over it Jojo.
Tinsel came back last night.

This arvo I am back to flipping between "manic" n tired/down. Not sure what's happening. But didn't and really couldn't talk to CAT team. Started having a few delusions today again.

Bf birthday dinner tomorrow, collecting people from airport after work.

I don't know Jojo.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Don’t feel stupid- if anything feel angry at the CAT team for failing you yet again! I am amazed and really puzzled why they are not helping you. Well I hope they do follow through and contact you tomorrow after speaking to the psychiatrist.

You probably need meds to steady the ship get you back on an even keel. Who has the authority to do that for you - is it just the psychiatrist or can the CAT team do that too?

I am so glad Tinsel returned to you as that’s one less thing to worry about.

Enjoy your bf’s dinner tomorrow night xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I meant the psychiatrist of the CAT Team, not the one I saw.
I purely think they feel I am a waste of their time, some do some don't. But obviously I've done something somewhere, don't know what.
The one who was slightly nicer shut down the other a few times, who kinda went on the attack.

GP is on holidays.

Not real sure what to do anymore. Feel quite alone with it all. And really don't want to drag anyone else down or into it. Not after Tuesday night.

Sorry Jojo.

Maybe the private psychiatrist got it wrong.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I think you wish the private psychiatrist got it wrong. However, you mentioned your Dad noticed your behaviour at the party and your family have apparently suspected bipolar since you were a teenager. Also You have shared with me your rapid mood swings. So there is something there that needs to be addressed.

Wait and see what the CAT team have to say tomorrow. (Cross everything 🤞🏻). I forgot to ask you did you ever get an MRI done?

Can you share what has happened with your bf? He sounds like he would be very supportive.

Stay safe & strong xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

I just feel so stupid again, always do after CAT team. It's like nothing is wrong and I am making it up. But I'm aware I don't want to be dealing with them when feeling good.

No I haven't booked it in yet, procrastinating I guess.

He is Jojo, and he knows about the psychiatrist appointment. But I am also a little scared to divulge too much atm. I really don't want to loose him, he has been calming me down a lot - he doesn't know this lol. Apparently I do similar for him, but I can't loose this. I just thought if I could get some stability and foundation with it, he'd know what to do. But cause no one can tell me I have no idea. No one has even told me which type it is or anything. I'm actually guessing they don't know what to do.

Doubt the CAT psychiatrist will be much help. He bounced me out of his office last time. Yet again, feel like a pain. Did say today what would be the point, due to past time.... Jo (nicer CAT lady

[Saree_p]

Promised me there was a point. It'd be helpful this time with medication that worked.

I want to give up Jojo. I just want this to all go away.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Sorry Saree this is not going to go away or disappear. However, I know how strong and resilient you are as you have been dealing with these symptoms for quite some time.

The problem is they seem to be getting worse and are definitely not under control. You do need help and proper support which seems rather thin on the ground where you are!

If I were you I would be putting in a complaint about the treatment you have received because it’s just not good enough. Makes my blood boil!

Is your GP back next week?

Take good care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼