Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

I was just thinking how cool Jojo and I would look in a speed boat. Wind in our hair , bouncing Across the waves . Like female bond agents . Not sure who will drive . I wonder if Jojo has a boat licence ?

lilly 🌸

[Saree_p]

Wonderful friends,

You made me laugh emensly Lilly. Thank you so so much. Xx

I am actually feeling really scared and extremely down, struggling to mask big time.

Bf is wonderful, just feel like a fraud.

I am also scared that he only liked the manic version of me. I do need to get treatment. Just scared this will increase n be worse before I can.

Thank you wonderful friends

Lots of love,
Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Jojo and I could play mission impossible music . But our mission wouldn’t be impossible because we have girl power.

There is everything to like about you Saree . People have to like the good and the bad anyway . None of us are perfect .

Lilly 🌸

[Lilly99]

p.s

If I drive the boat please don’t tell Jojo that there are going to be ski ramps involved. It’s our secret .

Thinking of you saree

Lilly 🌺

[Saree_p]

Lilly,
Thank you so much!

Last night was ironically a wonderful night. My bf is amazing. We talked. I shared the history stuff, so he can understand family dynamics, and as we shared info I let him know about the current bipolar diagnosis that's undergoing. I thought it was only fair as he is quite serious about us, as am I. He asked questions, I gave him an out n said I'd understand completely, but said he'd be there.
Don't think I stopped panicking, to which he made the statement, I want to be with you and all that that includes.
This morning I got coffee'd and keyed. Plus desert he made for me to take to work.
I've never ever ever been honest with anyone about stuff. My ex would've blamed me for everything and I'd be a nutcase.

And this is the real shitty thing. Despite all this wonderful wonderful things, I still feel extremely low.

I wasn't keen on treatment at all Jojo, I do enjoy the manic emensly. But then the current realisation of how it looks and then the lows that ruin the most wonderful things. Feel so guilty.

Talking to dad yesterday for 5 mins, apparently he was extremely worried on friday, he said the rapid speed was extreme and it reminded him of times during my teens and over the years, he said it then always goes down hill and he had made the correlation between that and suicide attempts. Whilst dad might not be good at being there, he apparently observed more than I realised.

Oh wonderful friends, I will be there till January, unless someone can take over the lease. I think the sad thing is he thinks this is how friends operate, yet clearly it's other shit. Think he is also really shitty at me for the manic state.

I'm going to try and ring the GP as soon as they open and see if I can get in before working this arvo.

Thank you for the support dear lovely friends. Xx

Jojo, any wisdom you can give me please do as always - the concept of this diagnosis is scaring me.

Lilly, I value you so much. It humour is very similar to mine xx

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s wonderful news that you have been able to open up to your bf and he is so accepting. He sounds like he will be a good support for you. I am so happy for you.

Did you manage to see your GP today?

Hope your housemate gets over himself and stops being a pain. Enjoy your new relationship and try to ignore your housemate.

Don’t get mad at me, but I still think you should keep the appointment with the CAT team - please reconsider. Hopefully they can recommend some appropriate medication to stabilise your moods.

Take care xox

Your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I guess I figured if its going where I think it is, everything needs to be on the table. Nothing sexual happened, but because we snuggled and I stayed the night, he woke each time I startled awake. It needs to be known and I can't hide it when that close. Plus I don't want to get close and be hurt. It just feels so right, except second voice kept questioning it all night.

Snapped at housemate.

Couldn't get into GP as she wasn't there today. Won't be able to get in around work now till Thursday or Friday. But then do I do CAT team at that point. Clconsidering how unhelpful CAT team have been i dont know whatll change. Might ring GP and try and book tomorrow.

The whole purpose of CAT team was to manage etc, but honestly psychiatrist shouldve started something Wednesday, he only didn't because CAT were supposed to see me before Friday.

Jojo, I think I'm swinging back into manic. Apparently speech is rapid again and I can't sit still. I am actually starting to feel scared. This has never ever happened. I don't think I have any control over it at all.

Sorry Jojo,

Thanks As always,
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Try and do your exercises to burn up some of the energy you have and do things that tire you out so hopefully you will end up sleeping.

Try your hardest to slow down and not talk excessively. Go back to your GP and let her know how things are now.

Stay safe & calm

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Will do what I can Jojo,

Sleepover tonight at work so a little harder. Work straight through till tomorrow. Night/arvo.

Will try and keep CAT appointment I think, just doubt it'll helpful at all...
Thanks Jojo,
Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

How are you going tonight? Did you manage to catch up with your GP?

I am so glad you have your bf to support you with your mental health issues. That is gold. Friends can make a world of difference in our life.

Hope you have better luck with the CAT team on Thursday xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼