Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s great the CAT team have booked you in for Thursday. Until then try and get regular sleep & slow down.

Hope the bday party goes well tonight. Don’t want to hear you’ve been dancing on the table lol! Enjoy your weekend xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

No dancing - just frantic moments and panic attacks, 100 miles an hour and everyone looking at me weirdly.

Think I am actually starting to crash Jojo - starting to go in and out of "mania", so phases of mania mixed with phases of overwhelming realisation of behaviours and guilt, realising it has been 10 days (I think), longest one yet. Plus phases of utter exhaustion are kicking in and I am struggling to keep awake or am wired - swinging. Does any of this make sense? Currently feeling like complete crap. Want to hide and cry.

It's hitting home about the last 4 days, how I must've looked. What I did.

Not sure I will do the CAT Team, sick of being messed around by them.

Tomorrow I will be with my bf - meeting the parents and then his.

not sure what to do anymore. I should be completely happy and on top of the world.

Sorry Jojo - I am the biggest fool

[Saree_p]

And sorry, I just don't know what's happening because normally I just start crashing. I don't yoyo so much.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I have bipolar type I so have never had the rapid mood swings that you appear to be experiencing. I can have a high mood for quite a few weeks before I start to crash, but have always been in hospital when these happened for my own safety. At my worst I become delusional and get really frightened that people are going to come and hurt me.

That’s why I would encourage you to see the CAT team again and get a handle on your mood swings. Learn as much as you can about your illness so that you can regain some degree of control over your life.

Hope you have a great time with your bf tomorrow xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

Do you mind me asking you how you deal with the guilt side? or do you not get this?

depends on if I am bouncy or not. But will have to mask. Way feeling atm, think the mood is plummeting and going dark quickly.

I do not have any faith in the CAT Team, I do not see how they can help as they have been nothing but useless. and as the psychiatrist said last time, they do not deal with this. I now recall when they called Thursday, they were supposed to ring Friday and come and see me at home ASAP. but obviously didn't. and today it was like we need to book you in, no rush. So I am confused, and it feels just like last time, a waste of time.

I remember the whole reason I was referred was that Wednesday psychiatrist thought I was too high and wanted instant meds, but yeah. Just get the dejavu feeling that I will go, it'll be a waste of time.

Might just try and go back to GP and see if there is a need now - especially if swinging the other way now.

Sorry Jojo,

Sorry for beign a pain.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Yes please go back to your GP and explain how you are feeling as you don’t want to crash even further.

With regard to feelings of guilt it’s more feelings of remorse as I sometimes say things that I wouldn’t normally say. I do apologise later, but some people don’t understand that I am ill and can’t help what I say or do at times.

However, that hasn’t happened in a long time now. So I am glad I have become stable on meds. I can look back and laugh at some of the things I said or did. Might write a book some day you never know.

Try and rest now. Snuggle up with Tinsel and get some sleep 😴

With love your friend Jojo 🌼

[Saree_p]

Crashing, crashing, crashing.

House mate stormed around last night cause I had bf over after dinner for a bit. Still moody this morning n made a point of it.

At work, trying not to cry. Masking is really hard. Such an idiot.

Sorry,
Saree

[Lilly99]

Dear saree,

Wow if you don’t mind me saying... Your flat mate sounds like a real jerk . Jealous I would imagine . Anyway it’s your house just as much as his . Hold your head up high and know that it’s his problem not yours .

Jojo and I are on our way to sort him out. 😂 Just give us a few hrs. 🛫🚤 . Just can’t make up my mind to come via plane or speed boat Maybe plane I am not the best swimmer .

Lilly 🌸

[Lilly99]

P.s

Spike can’t swim either 🦔l

lilly 🌸

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Hope you made it through work today. Please check in with your GP asap as you sound in real need of some emotional support.

Your housemate is a real pain and, as Lilly mentioned, he is probably jealous. Don’t allow him to ruin your happiness. Lilly and I are coming to sort him out and put him in his place!

Stay safe & take care of yourself xox

With love your friend Jojo 🌼