"Over Thinking" or "Paranoid Thoughts"?

[Moonstruck]

I have a tendency to "over think" things (I hope you know what I mean by that) which can spiral into obsessive thoughts and imagining worst outcomes etc.

Just lately I have noticed myself perhaps going a step further when thinking over someone else's actions and/or words - assuming it is a direct personal assault on "me" . I dwell over and over on what they said, the tone of voice used, creating a scenario as to why they did or said a certain thing, what they could be "leading up to" or "covering up" something I need to know. I get more and more anxious as I "imagine" what will be next to happen - (it is always negative and scary). sometimes I imagine the conversations they "could" be having about me behind my back.

sometimes I feel like contacting him/her to have them explain if anything is wrong, and if I misconstrued anything -to reassure me all is OK. But I am too scared to do so, in case it makes things worse, in case they are embarrassed and try to avoid me in the future. . Hardly anyone knows I have such an anxiety problem at all - so I don't want to come across as a "mental case".....(LOL)

Is this sounding a bit paranoid to you? How can I stop imagining the worst possible scenario of events that "might" happen...it's seems so real to me even though I am making it up in my head.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I marked that post of yours as helpful because I think it a good time to remind you that you are not 'sucking the life' out of us. And asking "Are you ok?" is a phrase we use here because we care, not just some social formula. You do need to answer truthfully, why else would this place be here?

It is true it can sometimes take energy to hear other's hurt, but that is the price once has to pay when one cares about another, we pay it gladly for you.

CMF has made a couple of good points, it does not take someone to pass away for their to be a whole mountain of grief. Grief in this sort of situation can be greater -precisely because you know the object of the grief still is around somewhere.

If we could make you feel better, or the hurt pass more quickly we certainly would. What we can do is say what helped us -not cured, helped. In my own case distraction and keeping busy were the only real reliefs (I may have mentioned them before:)

We are with you Moon

Croix

[Moonstruck]

I decided just this minute to get my journal up to date and paste into the writing notebook I use (when hand writing) the stuff I'd had on the computer. (much faster to type online so I do a bit of both then print out and paste in the book) the last couple of entries a couple of weeks ago were about my pet...how ecstatic I was to be getting him back...the joy, the peace, the sense of fulfilment.......I could not read any further.

I am trying so hard to bear this, but my mood plummets lower and lower with each day.

If someone, anyone, someone strong could just go out to this woman's place and check if he is there. I am certain he did not escape....or ring her and see what their impressions are, whether she is lying. (I am positive she is) she is not the owner - I am.

But she has been his "foster carer" if you like for a while now and actually RANG ME in March, asked if I wanted him back....as she thought I "missed him".....since then she has put obstacle after obstacle in my way, excuses, delays, until the day I rang to confirm arrangements and she told me it was too late...he had escaped and was lost. She could not even recall the day he "disappeared".

I cannot go and get something that is mine...if it is not there. If it is "missing, lost, gone" can I? I just wish someone else could drop in and check for me what has happened. I am not strong enough to handle a confrontation. I would have to call her a liar to her face. She has a husband there to protect her.

My depression is plunging lower and lower mainly due to this "not knowing". I have no one to turn to.

[CMF]

Hi Moon,

Yes, i agree with you that if yo could get someone to check it would ease your mind and maybe your pain somewhat. I think you need closure in some form ie to either know and accept he is really gone or to find out if they are just keeping him from you. If you know for sure either way you can deal with it accordingly.

Is there anyone at the bowling club they could do this for you? You mentioned they are an understanding group. Or is it possible that you could report to the council that you suspect the animal may be in danger or something like that and they can send someone out to check? You could explain your circumstances and tell them something does not seem right and you fear for his well being. Maybe they can put you on to someone who can assist. I am sure there are organisations that would deal with something like this. Maybe talk to you local vet?

You need answers Moon so you can work out how to deal with this.

cmf x

[Guest_9809]

Moon, I'm new to this thread, and wasn't aware of the current situation with "Clarence". I knew that his foster carer had decided that she was not about to hand him over to you after all. You told me about that on the Pet Thread in the Staying Well section. So I am really sorry to hear of this more recent development. It must be so hard not knowing whether you should be grieving or intensely angry.

Perhaps we need Croix to become "Magnum PI" and go investigate for you, and all of us here who care?

As for grieving for a lost pet, whether that is via death or via denial of access, it is very real and very distressing. In many ways it is a deeper grief than losing human loved ones. Perhaps this is because others around us do not understand the depth of our loss and grief. When losing a friend, relative or someone close to us, our loss is understood by others. It is normal to be met with offers of sincere condolence, sympathy and a comforting shoulder upon which to cry on. We are actually encouraged to cry, to grieve and to experience the emotions of true loss. This does not tend to occur with the loss of a pet, and people can be quite insensitive at times, as you have discovered.

It would be very helpful to know just exactly what has really happened to 'Clarence', and then you would be able to determine just how to deal with the situation from there. It is perhaps not a bad idea of CMF's to report to council or even the RSPCA that you are concerned for the safety of your pet and ask if they can check on your behalf. Especially as you say that you are still the rightful owner of him. As the owner, you surely have rights?

In the meantime Moon, please be patient and kind to yourself. Know that your loss is real, painful, and may well involve some conflicting feelings and emotions. Remind yourself that your emotional processing has no set time limit, the grief will fade but in your own good time.

Try to find someone you can talk to about your loss. Perhaps your sister? And you may be surprised about your son, he could prove to be a really good ally in this situation. I know you dont know exactly what to tell him yet, but if he is like his mum, he will be far stronger than you give him credit for. Of course he will be upset, but you can share your grief together.

I'm glad that you at least have your "bowls" community, who tend to be more sensitive souls than the general public.

You can cry on my shoulder anytime. Hugs.

Taurus xx

[Moonstruck]

I have just done the K 10 depression test and come up High. I am unsure whether talking about what happened to me is making me worse...it is not making me feel any better. If I were a forceful, strong, confrontational, confident person - I would stand up for myself. I am not. I am weak. I am fragile, I am easily scared and intimidated by others....that is my shame. I am ashamed of myself for being this way.

it is hard to explain the long story from beginning to end if I decide to elicit someone's help to do the things I should be doing myself. the things I am not well or strong enough to do. It is hard to admit I am too weak to confront this lady by myself. I haven't a partner just now. Both my sons are away.

My friends are sensitive understanding people but have absolutely nothing to do with the situation, the pet or the people involved. It is too much to ask them to involve themselves in a situation that can, and probably will, quickly turn very unpleasant.

I cannot ask them to do something I am frightened to do myself. When I explain, it sounds trivial and something that I should be "letting go " . I realise that. I am ashamed of myself that I am too weak to "let it go". I tell myself I must not get any lower or I will fall apart. Even strangers (a lady in the supermarket) commented how sad I looked and was I OK?

another old man saw me standing in the street looking up at the sky and said "It's a beautiful day isn't it?" I wanted to tell them how desperately sad I was and to please help me.

I am afraid to mention here what has been running through my mind as the moderators probably won't let this through..I watch the clock relieved when another hour passes. The only relief is when the sun goes down - for some reason I feel safer when it's dark.

I realised last night watching reality TV shows that I enjoyed them because the people had become my "friends" how pathetic is that? They seem so friendly, nice and pleasant and as if they would understand what I am going through and perhaps offer to help. They seem more approachable than my real friends and people in every day life.

My two best girlfriends (also in other cities) I have not even told this to, or shared anything about the pain I am in. I wonder why? Because I am frightened of their reaction. They are strong practical common sense ladies that I love .I don't want them to see me like this.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

You are a lovely sensitive person whose heart is bruised by harshness in the world. I know how bad things seem at the moment. There were times I felt at the bottom of a well with no avenue of exit or relief.

It does get better Moon, and things can change in an amazingly short period of time.

If you did tell a friend they would understand, because your feelings are normal, to be expected in anyone, justified.

Croix

[Moonstruck]

I have been reading quite a few posts on various threads and would like to join in, but don't know how. I can't seem to follow the rules. Do you only join in if you can offer some help or advice? if you can't help the person....then does that mean you can't join in the conversation?

In the past I seem to have veered "off course" from the original poster's problem, so I just stop joining in.

Because I began this thread,....is this the only one I can have now? Is there any point beginning another thread or am I stuck with this one? there may be other people I really "connect" with on other threads and who would like to talk to me....but I don't know how to find them.

You, CMF and Taurus seem to be the only ones left who can find me.. (sorry if I have omitted anyone here)

[CMF]

Hi Moon,

You can certainly join any thread you wish, even if only to offer support, you don't need to have answers or advice. I find threads do go off topic as we move along because we open up about other things. I often just vent or chat in mine. If you feel you have an issue to address i'm sure you can start a new thread so more of our community can see it, i have done this before and i know what you mean. After a petiod of time only a few people see our thread and respond. From what i see, multiple threads started at the same time is discouraged as it can get confusing.

If you feel you need to start a new one i encourage you to. I will look out for it.

Cmf x

[Moonstruck]

Dear CMF....there was/still is a thread on here that I enjoyed being on. They seem to chat about all sorts of things, personal, how they are feeling, sharing about their own particular journeys and commenting on each others. . I still read it quite often and wish I could be a part of it.

When I did join them some time back, it was suggested (by a couple of people on there I think) that I should start my own thread instead - I was quite hurt actually.

I took that to mean I wasn't wanted on "their" thread so I took the hint and haven't been back since. I do read it and wonder why I wasn't good enough to be one of them....

[Sophie_M]

Hi Moonstruck, 

Just jumping in to shed some light on a few points you've raised.  Firstly, we are a very welcoming and supportive community here most of the time.  When disagreements do come up, it can often be from how someone's words have been interpreted rather than what has actually been said.  Please have a read through a thread Dr Kim has put up on this subject, which may be helpful:

Taking things the wrong way (on the forums and in life)

With regards to how many threads you can have, we do have a general rule here of one thread per topic.  If you're a regular member and you're checking in daily for support on a number of aspects in your life, it's best to have one thread that keeps everything together so it can be easily followed.  It saves you having to repeat pertinent information, it makes it easier for new members to get up to speed with your story, or for older members to catch up if they've been away.  And best of all, if you find yourself in a crisis situation that you've been in before, it allows you to scroll back and see how you were able to cope previously.

Finally, with regard to how to get involved in threads on the forums, we have a guide here about how to best do that:

Forums etiquette: give support to receive support

Hope this has been of some help.