Not in a good space

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎09-12-2019

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

Hanna3 · ‎28-06-2021

Katy I think you might like the lovely pictures by yaoyao ma van as about living alone. I found them on a website called Introvert Dear. They are 25 pictures of the joys of living alone. Do look it up they're such happy pictures! 😊

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎30-06-2021

Hello

Thanks for asking about my shoulder, Paws. It's fine, but I've become a bit nervous about other dogs. I didn't want to walk past a ute with 2 barking dogs inside the other day. And yesterday I didn't walk Storm at all, we just played indoor games. I have to be careful not to let my anxiety about things set in and revert to avoidance habits, which is what I've been working on the last decade! Speaking of - second GROW meeting today - eek!

Everyone in the Honours group chat has been talking about where they're at, and I've done nothing lol. Today I've started on a book I got out the library for my thesis, but I'm only reading it because it's due back. Oh dear. So I guess that's my plan for the day. The weather looks pretty average anyway. I'm sure it's colder and rainier here than our usual winters.

Hope everyone is travelling ok. Hugs from my little fam xo

Hanna3 · ‎30-06-2021

Hi Katy,

You sound a bit flat there today. I'm sure the weather doesn't help, and anxiety about the GROW meeting. You were so strong last time - I understand about the anxiety about the dogs - don't let it stop you getting out and about for too long...

I think Sam will be like a new dog after a couple of weeks, he has nice clean shiny teeth and he had a short stroll in the park and a nice roll on the grass in the sunshine.

I have been wondering why people here like you and me and Paws and Grandy and everyone, are so often so lonely. I can't understand it. We are different agegroups you and I, but Katy if I met up with you I absolutely am sure we could have some wonderful chats - I would love to hear all about your social work course and your prac experience and all your interests and thoughts on things...

I have lovely chats with one of the library staff here, a woman my age who is married but with no kids. I suggested to her months ago that we meet up for a cuppa instead of having long interesting talks standing up in the library! For four months now she has texted we will meet up and then never goes through with it. When I run into her in the library we still have great chats - but she never meets up for a coffee when we could talk without being interrupted by people needing her to serve them at work. It beats me to understand why.

I have texted two other ladies from the multicutural lunch about meeting up, but there is no response.

The music teacher is about the only conversations I have with company now! Why the heck is it so hard to make a casual friendship? A cup of coffee is not a lifetime commitment. I give up!

I don't understand why people like you and I and Grandy and everyone are left so alone and often lonely. We seem to all be very worthwhile people. Do you have any thoughts on this?????

I hope the day improves for you... hugs! Soft fluffy ones from little Sam! oxoxoxxo

Hanna3 · ‎30-06-2021

Good luck with the Grow meeting if you make it Katy - and don't worry if you don't go. Let us know how it went if you do go. 🙂🐦🌻🌅🌼🦚🎶🎠🐾🐾🐕🏖️🏝️

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎30-06-2021

Hello

Well I managed to walk Storm today, and I went to GROW, so well done me. I am flat though, you're right. Everything I have on my plate is stressful and it's about to ramp up. And I know I've said this before, but it just all feels so hard without any support. One of the GROW members asked how I felt about starting prac Monday, and I did well to not cry. The prac role and supervisor seem great, but I'm so uncomfortable being around people and to have to do that for 8 hours a day, every day for months is overwhelming. And then to write a thesis in my spare time, which i'll need to just rest and recover - I don't even know how that's all going to work.

Which... should explain why I'm lonely. But I can only speak for myself. I find people scary. Well, more to the point, I have anxiety which results in me being uncomfortable around people. I think it's much easier to become friends with people through shared experiences, like working together or sharing a hobby. I ended up getting along well with the other girls I did prac with last year, and it's one of them that I have coffee with occasionally. For you, you've become friends with your music teacher. I think we just need more of the right opportunities. I also think it's great you've made attempts to meet up with people, and it's a shame they haven't reciprocated the effort. Just keep being open to opportunities I guess. And you're right - we are all worthwhile - our pets can attest to that! 🙂

Love the emojis! Is that a carousel horse? Very cool.

Well time for a cup of tea and some choccy bikkies - I deserve them! Look forward to hearing tomorrow how Sam's going. I bet he'll be feeling much more comfortable in himself. Hugs xo

Hanna3 · ‎01-07-2021

Hi Katy,

Yes that emoji is a carousel horse, cute! I am finding it so convenient to use the phone now that I hardly use the laptop - it's nice to be able to text sitting up in bed or wherever - and I am thinking I might buy a tablet rather than pay out huge money I can't afford on another laptop - I mostly just Google around and as long as I can still send emails... I might try to have a look in JB Hi Fi..

I agree about work or shared interests - I guess I moved here at a bad time as we have had covid and more covid - I was going to volunteer at the hospital, as I have done assistant nursing - but of course they have not been taking any volunteers due to the virus - U3A courses are all online... so it's been difficult. I dont know why that lady in the library has long friendly talks with me and has met Sam and still won't commit to just a cuppa we have so many of the same interests... and my other friend here I used to have a cuppa with hasn't visited in months now.

I am friends with G (I'll call him by his first initial) at music - but while we are on semester break it's just me and Sam again.. he is still asleep on the bed, it's a cold wet dreary day here today and I think I will give him a short stroll and make a thermos of coffee and sit in the car by the river listening to music in the car!!!

You would understand my music teacher's problem with people.. I had severe anxiety long ago at Uni, the psychologist gave me distraction techniques but it was very hard, I used to have massive panic attacks. It eased over time. So the pracs are your problem with social work.

Have you got medication to take that might help you? I think you told the people there you have anxiety so I hope that will mean they will be understanding and supportive. I was thinking when I saw the social worker here ages ago, it was so daunting and difficult to go, and then she was too young and offered no help at all and I felt devastated - so can you tell yourself how awful it is for the people who need your help? You know how hard it was for you to go and ask for financial help when you needed it recently?

You write excellent replies to people here, you are clearly very bright and competent, can you keep reminding yourself of this? What about deep breathing to relax you- but I'm sure you know about all this.

I wish I could help. You will get through it OK, we just have to build up your confidence and self esteem. Running out of space will message again. hugs.

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎01-07-2021

Good morning

Super quick reply as I'm about to jump into a webinar - it's a conversation with Bri Lee about her book Who Gets to Be Smart. I haven't read it yet but saw the webinar and couldn't resist signing up. Wish I'd thought to tell you, you might have liked to join. I'll let you know how it was x

Guest_1643 · ‎01-07-2021

Hi Katy, have heard she's great but I very much disliked her book about self-image and diet culture. I have heard her others are good. Great stuff, enjoy it!! Well done for going to the GROW group - no small feat and i'm sure many of us what struggle to ever go past the door. I thought of u yesterday as I went to a community centre and they had some free festival and I got a free soup.
Yes! I can see the appeal, it brightened my whole darn day and possibly week. A warm meal made with love is pretty special. Enjoy the talk!!

Hanna3 · ‎01-07-2021

Hi Katy hi Sleepy

I haven't read that so I'd be interested to hear about it!

What I was thinking when I ran out of word length was if you can see your anxiety as something that gives you real insight and empathy into what other people are suffering and start to see your experience of anxiety as an asset in your role as a social worker?

Start to see it as a gift that allows you to really help other people - even though it's something you'd rather not have.

You will be OK girl! I'm typing this in the car while listening to nirvana. Plenty of bare tree branches against an overcast winter sky here today! 😊🐕🐾🐾🎶🎠⛲🎸🐦🏖️🎡⛄⛸️🦜🐙🐳🐠🌸

Katyonthehamsterwheel · ‎01-07-2021

Hi there

You guys are always so encouraging - thankyou! I think GROW might be quite helpful and I'm wishing I'd started with them earlier, but here we are.

Sleepy I'm so happy to hear you went along to the community centre. It sounds like it was a lovely outing for you. Is it somewhere you might go back again?

The talk was interesting. Not sure I learned anything, but that's ok, it was interesting nonetheless. Bri was discussing her book which focuses on different aspects of the education system in Australia and the disparity within. It exists right across the spectrum, from 3/4 year olds right through to university level. It clashes with the notion that upward mobility is possible if you just put in enough effort. It's that deep structural stuff that's so embedded it's seen as normal, but is actually really gross. I still want to read the book. I haven't read Beauty, Sleepy, but given Bri's feminist perspective I would have thought it would be a good read also. I was actually going to do my thesis on body image, but massive topic shift to the environment lol

Hanna, I agree that my experience of anxiety could be helpful, but I think more eventually - after I am able to better manage it. It impacts on my ability to interact with people, which is detrimental to the role. I feel it physically with muscle tension, rapid heartbeat, and a flushed face, and I can't think clearly to be able to communicate well or sometimes at all. And I cry. I have a lot of lived experience that will help me - living in public housing, being a single mum, visiting the soup van, not having a support network etc etc but at the moment, my anxiety is a barrier to actually being able to do the job. If I'm not up to working with clients this year, I'll fail - I accept that possibility. And I just keep working on myself, going to GROW, and try again next year. (And to be clear in case anyone reads this - I wouldn't put myself in the position of working with clients - and nor would the agency - unless I felt competent to do so. It wouldn't be fair on the client). That being said - wish me luck!! I just want to get "better", as we all do.

The sun has finally come out here, and I don't feel like skating, but I do feel like a bike ride in the sunshine after all the rain and cold weather we've had. I wish Stormy could come. I bought a bike trailer once for her, but she hated it lol. Hope you and Sam are enjoying your outing, Hanna.