Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

Dear Pepper girl
Thankfully the storms have passed now (for now) sheesh it was hectic still many homes without power.

No its going to be so crazy which im reading but I guess ill just take it one day at a time as per usual.
Oh you poor bugger, I had a feeling things may not have been sunshine and rainbows. Is there anything in particular bothering you? Happy to talk here or on your thread, wherever you feel most comfortable in doing so (if you choose to do so and theres no pressure of course)
can I offer a big little sister squishy hug for all those emotions? xoxo


Taking those 3 weeks off sounds like a real💐ly good idea, a reset if you will. Maybe youll be able to do some of your artwork in that time to help recharge?


Hi Little Angel
its ok, theres no pressure to be here or to post esp when things are really tough. Ive been thinking of you quite a lot too xox

Sending much love and hugs and of course butterflies to you all
xoxoxo


My nurse visit went ok, she was only doing the refferral, im dreading wednesday though with more results for a few health tests, hopefully these ones come back clear otherwise I need to be sent to a specialsit for further invasive tests. Fingers crossed huh!


Ive also decided to study again next year, ill wait until the school goes back but I think ill do Bachelor of Health, its all online and over 2 yrs so it suits me quite well esp being able to pay the course off.


Another thing is ive signed up to be a Peer supporter, I cant give to many details on that but I wanted to share that with you guys as its quite positive and a step forward for me too.

🦋💐💕💌🌈🦋🦋

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

I’m glad the nurse visit went smoothly yesterday. That’s a relief 🙂

I think it’s wonderful that you’re thinking of studying again next year. I’m very happy for you. I think a health degree will be fantastic. I feel so excited for you!

Congratulations on signing up to be a peer supporter. Don’t worry, I won’t press for details, but I feel very proud of you. That’s truly wonderful news. Well done, lovely one!

I’m incredibly pleased that you’re taking all these brave steps forward, especially as they’re decisions related to your own personal growth and future investment (rather than purely taking care of everyone else)...very happy for you...

Thank you so much, as always, for your very caring support 🙂 I haven’t been feeling particularly talkative about myself lately...

Yes, I’m grateful for my upcoming 3 weeks off. The joys of office closures for the Christmas/New Year’s period 😉

Squishy little sis hugs happily accepted, and offering gentle big sis hugs in return plus a silver butterfly bracelet as a gift for the progress you’re making.

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

thank you pepper girl,

again im sorry for not being here for any of you 😞 yesterday really threw a spanner in the works. it is good news, as usual 😞 i cant bring myself to even talk about it much yet as i just have panic attacks or start crying. i guess to put it simply is over the 3 consecutive yrs theyve done this test in hopes it mightve cleared it is progressing rather than getting better or going away and they need to find out if these cell changes are cancerous.

i was excited to start my studies and work forward but not it feels like a slap in the face almost like being punished for moving forward but not from anyone else but from my own body.

your bracelet is beautiful Peps, ill keep it with me. im very lucky to have you guys here xox

much love, hugs and butterflies to you all

xoxox

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

Here, take my hand...I’m gently holding your hand. It’s okay, please don’t apologise as there’s really no need for it. I noticed you changed your avatar back to the sad butterfly, and knew something must have happened...

I know you’ve been struggling, and I actually think you’ve done a beautiful job of reaching out to us when you can 🙂 Please don’t put unecessary pressure on yourself to post more than you feel able to at any point. It’s okay, we understand...gentle and easy does it, lovely one. We just want you to take care of yourself...

I’m so sorry about the news. No wonder you’re feeling so upset. The fact that it’s progressing is worrying. Again, I’m so sorry...

I get what you’re saying about how it feels almost cruel. Just as you were moving forward, as you said, you received the news...it really is very unfair...

You will get through this though. We will get through this with you. Offering as many hugs as you want, a shoulder for you to lean on and much love...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Dear pepper girl

thank you for your very caring post (as always!) it is a very emotional time right now and im having trouble processing everything that is happening at the moment. i dont know what to do except for taking it a day at a time and even breaking down the day further. Its quite tiring. It gets to me the hardest at night time where im generally shaking like crazy due to nerves and generally end up crying again. i think im a little better today though and i may be able to write a bit more of a post tomorrow.

I feel pretty bad for not being here like i usually am. its been pretty tough and now with the kids on school holidays as well most of my avaliable time will be night time or first thing in the morning. itll settle abit though after christmas.

How are you going? I bet your looking forward to having those 3 weeks off now- was today your last day at work?

sneding much love, hugs and of course butterflies- blue ones

xoxoxo

[PamelaR]

Hello Startingnew, better known as Beautiful Butterfly Wings

You are truly inspirational SN, I note how tough you are doing things, but you still get about to say things on other threads.

I hope all goes well with your health. Let us know how you got on with your results for studying.

That feeling like your body punishes you for moving forward - I know that very well. Happened to me for years and years. It's retraining your thought processes, as I'm sure you know.

Hope all goes well over the coming months. Will drop in now and then. Don't always post, but listening.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Birdy77]

Dear SN,

I am very sorry to hear your worrying news.

I know there is nothing I can say to make it better, but I hope you are able to deconstruct time right now, pull it all apart and take it one minute at a time.

15 seconds at a time might be better.

Remember you are greater than what is going in your body, and things may not turn out to be as you might think.

As hard as it is, keep practicing being in this moment, right now.

Practice not casting yourself forward into time.

Be here now, and send love to your body.

My thoughts are with you SN.

You are a brave person.

🌻birdy

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

Here, take my hand, lovely one. You’re sounding very overwhelmed...it’s okay, slowly inhale then exhale (and repeat).

I like your comments about taking it moment by moment. I think that’s a wise way to try to find your feet again if you’re feeling flooded by emotion...

I know you’re deeply caring and try your best to be there for so many of us as well as reply, but I hope you’re not putting too much pressure on yourself to do so. We understand you have a lot of home and other offline pressures, so my gentle suggestion is simply post when you can (and only if you feel like it)...please don’t forget to take care of yourself too 😉

I’ll be thinking of you on Christmas Day tomorrow, and sending my love and blessings to you.

Warm hugs and much love, as always...

”Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox

[startingnew]

Hi Pammy

It is lovely to see you and thoughtful for you to pop in with your kind words. My latest study results are a pass with flying colours but I havent enrolled into another course yet, I may leave that till later next yr or start again in 2020 so I can get all the health things out of the way first. Ive got a few ideas on which courses I will enroll into (one at a time of course).


Retraining those thought process are hard work! But hopefully next year will be better than this year even though theres some bigger challenges to face.


Love, hugs and butterfly wishes

🦋🎄💐❤




Hi Birdy


you being here and taking the time to post makes things better, please dont underestimate yourself and your kind will.
Yes very much having to take things slowly, sometimes the minutes feel like hrs dont they. I really hope that things wont be as bad as what im thinking and what the other health professionals are hinting as well. Theres a lot of breath holding lately so have to remember to breathe too.


Sending much love, hugs and butterfly wishes
🎄💙🌻🦋



Hi Pepper girl


Thank you for reminding me to breathe and to not put to much pressure on myself which as you all know I do. As Birdy said I need to try and stay in the now too otherwise I will just get even more flooded thinking about what is to come and the stresses that come with it. So im going to try my best to enjoy tomorrow even though most of my family doesnt really like having me around and im the outcast but the rest of the day I can try and enjoy the other moments.


Sending much love and butterfly wishes

Dusk till Dawn

🎄❤🖤🦋

[Peppermintbach]

Darling Butterfly Wings (and a wave to all),

Is it okay if I ask how was Christmas Day with your family, lovely one?

I love how you were so determined to make the most of it, despite not necessarily feeling the most welcome. You have a gorgeous spirit, and I love that about you 🙂

I feel it’s their loss if they don’t appreciate you. You do so much for your family, especially your pop, mum and sisters. In particular, I know how protective you are of your little sisters. It’s their blessing to have you in their lives. Sigh, I only wish that they would see that too...

Also, thank you so very much for the butterflies and hugs. I actually unexpectedly saw a little white butterfly yesterday evening (a slightly unusual time to see butterflies) that fluttered past me. I instantly thought of you, as always...

Gentle hugs and much love.

“Dusk till dawn”

Pepper xoxox