New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hi Starwolf,

Yeah I guess it is progress, I am not too sure. All I know is that I have to do this for others.

I know that I have to break the cycle. I have been trying, as how I am I do not feel I can get out along without the help of my friends, who cannot or will not help.

--

Well than tonight will be a fun night. I am too scared to go to sleep right now as I do not want to be as I am when I wake up, remembering things and possibly having other problems to a stronger degree. Although I have uni tomorrow, and have missed basically all of it. Given I can't get there because I am scared to leave the house.

While this is happening, I don't talk to my family about how I am. Because last time I did they made it much worse and thought it would be in my best interest to tell others that I did not trust. So my mother yells at me for all of this. Because I am a bad person for not going to uni and not sleeping for days on end. Nothing wrong with me, I am apparently just a lazy bad person.

...All of this just makes me want to pound my head into my desk, but that will make me pass out and have the same problems as if I slept properly.

It has almost been a week since I last went into my bed under sheets to sleep properly. Passing out and very short naps have kept me going so far. I do not know how much longer though.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ,

You seem to be suffering from what I like to call thinking too much. I realise I'm simplifying things quite drastically, and I don't mean to be making light of what you are going through because it is clearly very difficult to go through, but a big problem with depression and anxiety is it is self perpetuating. It makes us question everything and so we become frozen and stuck with inaction. Inaction then makes the depression and anxiety even worse.

Inaction is like a bandaid. It will hurt like hell to start doing stuff again. It will be absolutely terrifying to go outside. it's terrifying to even sleep.

But you absolutely have to.

There's a part inside which desperately wants your friends to be there with you. It tells you that you are incapable of doing this without them. But we're here to tell you to not believe that voice. We're here to support you and we know you can do all these things without your other friends who aren't able to support you.

Starwolf's suggestion is a good one. Do you think you could spend just a little bit of time outside in the sun? You can set a timer and when the buzzer goes, you are allowed to go in. Then the next day, add a bit more time.

If you feel like you can do more, that's great too. You can try to buy something at the store and just practice replying to the storeperson, then later make eye contact, then maybe even ask how their day has gone.

Do you think you would want to try these ideas? It sounds really hard at the moment, so if that is too much, please let me know. But we do need to make sure we can start getting some of your day back.

You're doing really well to hang in there.

James

[Dr_Kim]

Hi PurplOJ

I hope its ok that I pop into your posts to say Hi and offer a few thoughts. 

I can see that you have been struggling for a long time with things. The things that you struggle with are both thoughts in your own head and also stuff that people do to you.

We cannot really control the way people behave to us. Meaning , we can’t make our parents behave better or our friends be nicer or the world be a better place but we can change OURSELVES. WE can change our thoughts and our feelings . We can change the way we think about the people around us. We ultimately have control over how much they can affect us .

So why is it that you are affected so much by what people think of you? I notice that you get upset when your mum calls you lazy, even when you know in your heart that you are not lazy but being avoidant due to depression or anxiety. Why do you then get upset with yourself ? Why do you not see it in other way ..

Like for example “ Poor mum , she can’t see my mental health issues … maybe she is threatened by them ? Maybe she is scared she won’t have the skills to deal with them ? Or maybe she feels guilty for some reason that she did something to give them to me ? For whatever reason ,she can’t accept it , but thats HER problem !”

I know thats a simplistic example .. but what I am trying to illustrate is that we only have the capacity to work on our own internal landscape, not other people's..

In my experience however, interestingly when my patients work hard on their own stuff, people tend to then see them more positively anyway! So its win-win!

So why do what your friends or family or others think about you consume you ? ( I noted that you were really hurt about your friends thinking that you would not be a goos candidate for teaching for example ) . I wonder if your inner voice of positivity - the one that tells you that you are OK , that you have worth has somehow been stunted. I dont know the details of your childhood situation but you alluded to a difficult childhood which can certainly be partly a reason.

So many of us are plagued by unhelpful thoughts or feelings that hold us back from being our best selves, doing the things we want to do or living the way we know we can.  Some of these unhelpful thoughts may even have started way back in our childhood. They can even be placed there “by mistake” sometimes by family members, teachers or friends. Some parts of us believed these things and now they seem to just be “true”.    

One isn’t born with feelings that life isn’t worth living or that people dont like you, so I wonder where those bad thought patterns arose from? We might need help to open up the filing cabinets in our brains and sort through what is ok for us to hold on to and what to let go of.  Examples of these mistaken thoughts are things like “ I’m always unhappy “ or “ I’ll never be good at anything” or “ Nobody likes me”. 

It sounds easy to open up that bad thought cabinet and do a spring clean , but its SO hard as we get into habits of thinking and habits are hard to break. Thats why speaking to somebody trained in the area will make it easier for you to open up those filing cabinets, hang on to the bits you like about yourself ( like your ability to keep talking to your friends here on the forum and your enrolment at TAFE )  and notice and then let go of the bits that are bothering you.

You don’t need to have diagnosed mental illness to do this process. You don’t need to think that it makes you weak to do this. I would argue that it only someone really strong would take up the challenge to take a good hard look at them selves and sort things out . Sometimes a support group is really helpful too.

You have spoken abut your fears of medication and it being “unnatural” . I hear that all the time. It is unnatural I guess, but so is living your life feeling dreadful. There is no guarantee that it will help or there won’t be a side affect, but everything has a cost/ benefit ratio and there comes a time where the down sides of mediations are outweighed by the possible upsides ( i.e. not being weighed down by such negative thoughts all the time) 

Other young people who have medical conditions, for example, diabetes, also don't like taking medications. Its a pain in the ass and makes them feel like they are not just a “normal” kid. However, I just say to them that their genetics dealt them a tough roll of the dice and its not their fault. However, they need to just accept the inevitable fact of being dependant on insulin in order to be a “normal” kid ! In a way, depression is not that different .. some young people just need little more Seratonin in their brains in order to be “just a normal kid” . Its not as big a dilemma as maybe it needs to be. 

PurplOJ, I hope you can allow your health professionals - your GP, & psychologist to guide you through this difficult phase. You might like to see if your TAFE also has free support though student health . eHeadspace is a good resource if you need internet info and you like this medium. You might like to think about broadening your friendship options at some stage ?? https://www.meetup.com/en-AU/

Good luck and dont give up on the world .. we haven’t given up on you!

[PurplOJ]

Hey sorry for disapearing again.

I felt down and did not want to post.

Last night I broke down about what one of my friends said to me. I have been trying to do something with them since December and they tell me they are busy for a bit and would like to once they get back.... which is what they said last time and didnt want to do anything. It just pissed me off and I got really angry. I mean why. That just pisses me off.

Tonight I found something I should not have found. But I found it because I am a bloody idiot like that and manages to find everything on the internet. The friend has constantly refused to do things with me, speak to me verbally saying that she does not like that sort of stuff and never does it. I was recomended a video on youtube. Low and behold it is her and her friends playing games and chatting..... just, why lie. It hurts me a lot to be shown this. Just.... It hurts so much I can't put it into words. Right now I am having to conciously make sure that I do not sware within the text, I cannot even go back correcting that I am just angry. This is what I am to them, I am a piece of shit that they stepped in and it is not even worth their time to wipe me off their shoes. That is how insignificant I am to them.

I know that this person does cause me lots of problems, and right now feels like is one of the largest factors into my social side of the problem, just F###.... Why... Why treat me like crap and than lie to me.

I feel like she had gone and ripped out my heart and just bashed it with a hammer over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

But I can't not be friends with her. I need physical friends and I would probably end up killing myself if I loose of the two that I have. So right now I am in the slow and painful toucher that I will eventually kill myself through.... it is so lovely....

The other friend I have been trying to see for ages too, she keeps saying is busy with work and now went back to uni this week so I will not get to see her for another 4 months.... so alone for 4 months.... lovely.

[PurplOJ]

Dr.Kim,

I read all that when you sent it as I check this every day. I do not have the capasity with all my sadness and anger to read it all now, so going off memory I will reply and will reply later with the rest when I can read it and post.

In there I think you said that my mother does not notice and that might be because I think she hates me or something.

That is wrong, I make sure she will never find out. Last time she found out she betrayed my trust telling others, that trust is not something that she can get back. So I make sure that she can never find out, because if my family finds out I will be worse than I am right now.

That is all I remember I am sorry

Sorry that I took so long and sorry that I canot reply to it correctly.

[james1]

Hey PurpleOJ,

It's good to hear from you again. It sounds like you have been struggling a lot with anger as well recently.

You said you know that this person does cause you a lot of problems, but you can't not be friends with her because you need physical friends. It sounds like you feel really trapped by this and it is infuriating because you know what you have to do to get better, but you can't bring yourself to do it.

It is good that you recognise the problem and know that nothing will change unless you find comfort outside of these existing friends you have, because they are not giving you what you need. You really do need a fresh start and it's scary, but that's where regular visits to a GP or counsellor will help.

You are absolutely not alone even if you feel like it. There are people around, including us here, who want to help but you need to let us help you rather than continue to rely on people who aren't there for you.

I hope you are feeling a little bit better today.

James

[PurplOJ]

I do not know anything anymore

I want to be back soon

I am sorry

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

That is okay. It sounds like there's been a lot going on in your life recently and it has been very difficult to deal with.

I'm always here if you'd like to talk about what's happened, but I won't pressure you into it.

Don't forget you can always talk to the support lines. BeyondBlue's is 1300 22 4636, and Lifeline is 13 11 14.

James

[PurplOJ]

Umm... Hello,

It has been a long time since I have posted in here... I am alive still somehow.

I am just an empty husk sitting at a computer with no motivation or anything right now. Bearly leaving for uni, mainly for tests. I am slightly better then I saw in some respects. I message people online sometimes. I moderate some chat rooms, although that is quite hard.

Still have suicidal thoughts most days, I know I will not act on them, but I would not prevent it either.

I began talking to my American friend again, we are on and off loosing weight together. Depending on how we feel.

I have not had any contact with my 2 Australian friends.I have not been in the same room as a friend in about 10 months now. It makes the inside of me feel cold, empty and in pain.

Well anyway, if any of you bother reading, how are you?

~ Purple

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ

Wow it's lovely to hear from you again!

I'm so glad to hear you are messaging people sometimes and moderating on those forums. Do you mind if I ask what kinds of forums? I used to play an online game and I moderated both in-game and on the forums. Games are the worst, haha. People are just so mean.

It's wonderful that you're trying to connect with your American friend and helping each other lose weight. It's a pretty tough goal, but as long as you do it safely and it's what you want, I think it's very admirable. Do you find having someone else do it with you helps?

I've been okay. Since April, I've now got a bunny rabbit and been doing some gardening. I also just recently (last week) picked up warhammer model painting. I find it very fun and not as stressful as drawing. Have you tried it before?

James

James