New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Umm... I do not know, I just play whatever I can really. It just needs to take time, and well consume me for a while so I do not think about things. Right now I am playing a game called Final Fantasy. Every once and a while I will go back and play things like Solitaire or Bejeweled or other games like that to pass the time.

Hmm... card games are nice, what card game did you find?

Yeah board games are great. The only problem is you need others to play them, so that is not an easy thing. But if you can get a group together they are great. I need to do what James is doing and find a group that plays them, although right now I do not have the confidence or ability to do that. Hopefully I will one day.

That sounds nice.

And that is some good advice. I might try and follow it. Just see how things go.

Well things that have happened as of late. I had a little fight with my friend that honestly I am not sure she sees me as a friend anymore. I have not really for a while. She may say she is, but her actions and some words say otherwise.... I know that I do not say the best of things to her sometimes and she has her own problems. Just she does not realise what hurts.... and well I snapped and lashed out.

Lots of things were said, and well I am at a loss now. I have not spoken to her for days. I was having a really really shit day that day. Just very emotional, and I was seeing my father the day after... I do not fully get along with him, he did not even know how old I was. So I went asking if she would do something with me, she said yes... and than I used that to get through the day, and at about 2am when I asked again she said no, and some things that was why I snapped. It was so bad that it will cause more problems.

I am going to be trying to see my other friend tomorrow (It is 5am, so today) and she will be there, so I hope nothing goes wrong.

I should try and find something happy to post here. One day I will... one day I will be good enough to do that, to really feel happy enough. I am just trapped right now. I feel so lonely all the time, and need other people and I am putting that as my main focus. I am not happy and self loving enough to meet new people, and my current friends tell me to see new people and help myself. Once I fix that, I will be able to work on other things like nightmares, and flashback and fun stuff like that. I just... I need someone, I can't do it alone.

Sorry, I ran out of characters. Hope you two are well.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Just popping by to see if you're doing alright and let you know we haven't forgotten you.

I had my birthday last week and managed to break my bike and phone, hahaha. So it was very expensive for me!

James

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I hope you are well. Just sending you my best wishes.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey, I am sorry I have not bee up to typing here for a while. I am kinda still not fully up to it.

I am just feeling very low. Right now I am very alone and trapped here. Trying to do things with my friend with no luck.

Was really hoping I could say happy things.

Thoughts are back, so that is fun.

James I hope you had an alright birthday.

Hope everyone had a decent Christmas.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey it's wonderful to hear from you, though it's sad to hear things aren't any better.

My Christmas has been very average with bad dips every now and then. Just want to get to the new year. I bought a motorbike and have tried to ride around a bit which I enjoy. I like the freedom.

Anyway, I know you don't feel up to talking but I just wanted to say hi. I hope things change for you and hope you don't mind if I check in every now and then to let you know you're not forgotten.

James

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ,

We're all familiar with "not feeling up to it" at times. It is part of Life, even more so for those of us suffering mental conditions.

If distracting yourself by playing games is where you're at right now, so be it. Kudos to you for doing something that helps you cope. Just like with any other coping mechanism, one must be careful not to turn it into an habitual escape.

Those around you may sometimes let you down, not because they don't care but perhaps because they fail to understand your mental state and its fluctuations. Feeling out of their depth, they might make excuses to opt out of something they don't feel comfortable with. Let's face it, mental illness is hard to understand for those affected. It escapes logic and reason. So it makes sense that those around us find it even more difficult to relate to.

You are not to blame.

Sooner or later, you will find people who are strong and compassionate enough to love and appreciate you unconditionally. But it may take time...true friendship is a rare gift at the best of times. Unfortunately, there is no widening our contacts without widening our circle of activity...so you may need to cast the net a bit further. Not easy when you are feeling low but shunning contact only reinforces the false belief that we are hopeless and unlovable.

Please keep in mind that whenever you feel the need to communicate, there will always be people around the forums who will be more than willing to connect and discuss in depth what often can't be expressed in the outside world.

Kindest thoughts.

[PurplOJ]

Hi,

I am back... sort of. I have been on here most days wanting to post but I can never get the capacity to do so.

I do not fully remember what I posed about last. My head is foggy most of the time. I bearly sleep only getting an hour of naps in a day and than sleeping after every 3-4 days of being awake when I basically pass out. I can't leave my home, I just start to get scared when going out for some reason. Which is annoying as uni started up.

My desire to end my life has only really grown for the last month or two. I don't really know what to do.

I reached a point where I ended up begging my friends to help and spend some time outside of my home with them. And that failed to work, one chose to ignore me and the other said they cannot help.

Even knowing I have a tab of this site open nearly every day I have been unable to type in here because I just feel worthless. I am trying my best and I feel that is how everyone sees me and treats me. The friend who atleast replied to my request for help said that I am not worthless, and than after I asked for 10 minutes or anything to do something and have even online a little time spent with another person who I enjoy spending time with. She said no... I do not know what to think. Apparently I am not worthless, however I am not even worth 10 minutes of her time when she plays games with her friends for 3+ hours every day.

Part of me is angry about this. This is how friends treat me. That is what I am worth to them. All the advice that I get given is "I keep saying you need to go out more... just do something"...

I do not what to do anymore. I feel like I am in a dark corner with nowhere to go. Every therapist I went to told me to get better I needed to spend time with my friends as lonliness caused me to fail to take care of my other problems, and everything just cascaded from there. However they do not wish to spend time with me. I'm not worth even 10 minutes. I don't think that I can get better. As meeting new people is not within my abilities right now.

I do not know if I said this before but as all my other problems are getting worse again as I cannot function enough to manage them. Things like my PTSD are getting out of hand, some mornings I wake up unable to sit down, other times I wake with the taste for male excrement in my mouth that I cannot wash out no matter how hard I try.

I don't even feel worthwhile enough to post. But I know I have to.

I just hope that people are doing alright.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

It's good to see you post again. I was worried, but I didn't want to bother you and pressure you to come back and post, so I was hoping you'd come back on your own accord.

It sounds like there's a bunch of things which are getting in the way of you being able to function as you'd like and it sounds like a lot of these stem from the PTSD/event, which is totally understandable.

But you may be able to recognise that there's a negative cycle happening here which is what your therapists have been referring to. Your friends are not able to support you, and so that impacts your self worth. Because of this, you then feel unable to meet new people and your isolation just continues.

The classic thing my old psychologist used to pull on me was, "what would you tell a friend in your situation?" For me, I'd tell them that I'd go to social events with them so they could meet more people.

But in lieu of that for your case, I'd love to help you try and get some social interaction. I can't be there with you, but I can give you suggestions, listen to your worries or even plan it with you.

Change is super hard, but something has to change here. You said meeting new people is not within your abilities right now - sure, I get that. But I think that talking to others, in person, is within your abilities right now. It could be hard, but it'll get easier each time. Meeting people and making friends is for later down the track.

That all said, we haven't spoken in a while so I don't want to seem pushy. But as an onlooker, I think you're absolutely capable of slowly working towards meeting new people. But one step at a time.

James

[Starwolf]

I'm so glad you have found the courage to post again. It means progress. Perhaps it seems insignificant to you but any small progress is not to be underestimated. You did it...well done !

PTSD is far from easy to cope with...You are struggling in difficult circumstances. This is a sign of courage, not worthlessness. No different from someone who works on overcoming limitations caused by physical disability.

Within this community, you have found that there are people prepared to listen without judging and to support you. We also have a fair idea of what you are up against. Anonymity allows you to discuss in depth matters that are often considered too "delicate" in the outside world. It also prevents clingyness which scares people away. Here you are safe...and most welcome.

The only way to get out of a vicious circle is to break it. It doesn't mean drastic action should be taken. Tiny, tentative steps do it. For example, if getting out of the house feels too daunting, standing/sitting just outside for a few moments would be progress. You could at any time quickly return to safety. You could gradually linger a while longer and take a few steps further. There are things you can safely control.

Whenever we agonize about doing something, the brain registers stress and -as self-protective measure- will compel us not to do it. This is how we end up stuck on vicious circles.

You have taken a brave and wise step out of your comfort zone, a victory. Kudos to you. We're here to encourage and cheer you onward.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James

I am honestly not sure if I would say that everything stems from my PTSD. I use to be able to manage it, I did it fine. I could have some of these afflictions and be able to put it out of my mind, to not wake up feeling like things had happened that night. I was... well fine with it all I managed.

It's recently over the last few months that when other things like social stuff broke down I have been unable to manage it. And than everything went. I lost my ability to manage with most things.

When you say "What would you tell a friend in your situation?" One problem is that they do not fully know. I can't really turn around and say 'One of the main reasons I am depressed is because I am lonely.' Because what would that result in? Them not wanting to be around me but feeling guilt tripped into it.

I guess that talking is within my ability set. I am not sure how easy it will be with the way I am and how I can get to people.