New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hi there James,

It is nice to hear from you.

I am moderating for two people who stream games. Just mostly sitting in chat making sure people are being alright. I do not have to say much. I moderate while they stream and the Discord groups that people talk on. Yeah gaming communities are quite... bad for these things.

Honestly I am not sure if it even is something that I want. Really right now I am trying to spend some time with her. To... be around a friend in a sense. I know it is nothing like being near a real human physically. But it is the closest I can get.

The body image I have, is something that I made myself... to make myself less attractive and lower the chances of being sexually abused again... I do not know if I should even get rid of it.

I am glad to hear that you have been okay. Is the new bunny the profile pic?
Ah cool, Warhammer is good fun. I wanted to get into it however I do not as I do not/did not know anyone else who plays.

I would however like to get into painting sometime.

You should show us your models sometime. And what army did you pick?

Over the last 2 days nothing has happened to me. I tried to contact one of my Australian friends, they did not reply to my text at all. I wonder if they even want to speak to me again. Part of me thinks they hate me.

And I have been wondering. it happened a while ago (Probably over a month). Someone tried calling me a friend and that... made me feel sad. Not happy or anything just sad. I could not and still can not say the same. I do not know why I cannot. Just I can not do that for the life of me. For what reason I am not sure. After a long while of thinking what a friend even means to me, I just end up with "A person who will leave". I do not want to think that way. I do not know what to do about it.

...Well that is what has been floating around my head.... I hope you are all okay....

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

Oh okay. What games are they? I've heard of the Twitch streaming service but I assume that has an in-house moderator? I've watched things like starcraft 1 and 2 on youtube but i've never live streamed anything.

That is my bunny in the profile pic, yeah. He's bigger than that now, but still pretty small. He nips my ankles sometimes. It's annoying when he does that haha.

I picked the lizardmen in the fantasy game. I just like painting fantasy things more than space-y things. I like skin more than armour I guess.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of thinking. Have you brought any of that up with your doctors who you saw before? I always find it very hard to think clearly when I'm upset or distressed, and then not being able to think clearly makes me even more distressed. So I try to save my "thinking" time for in the room, and my painting time for outside during the day.

I try to, anyway.

Hope you're well too!

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

One of the people that I moderate for plays Pokemon games, and the other plays Japanese role playing games. It is interesting to do, gives some sort of human contact even knowing I do not say much if anything. They do not really have in-house mods, as some people use different rules then others. For example some might allow swearing and others might not.

He looks cute, and hopefully it does not hurt that much when he bites you. He is just showing his affection... or saying he is hungry.

Ah cool, the lizardmen are a decent group. They look good. I would imagine the scales (I think they are scaled) are hard to get correct.

I always do a lot of thinking, I wish I could just stop. Not have my head be so loud. However I do not get that luxury. It is not fun. I have not spoken about it to anyone.... I have not actually seen anybody since my last doctor kicked me out. She refused to see me until I saw a psychiatrist... which I did not feel ready to do and well still do not. And well without her to go to I do not really feel accepted anywhere and haven't gone to anyone. I have not even been back to the GP for medical problems, I was supposed to get a blood test checkup because of Iron deficiency. That as back in November.

I think the closest person that I could go to is an hour or hour and a half away, and involves possibly seeing one of the two Australian friends. Who I would love to see... However from her not wanting to talk to me and not replying... I do not think she would want to see me, so it would be rude of me to go down there. That's even if I can get myself out of the house.

Well that's all I can think of to say.

I hope you are all doing alright.

Take care

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ, I thought I posted but maybe it's still coming through? I'm not sure. Just letting you know I'm still here.

How are you?

[PurplOJ]

Hello James,

Sorry that this took a while to be sent. I am trying my best. I have been passing out a bit due to sleep deprivation. Most things are the same, just continuing in this monotonous cycle that never ends. Suicidal thoughts are still there as always, playing in my head. I would talk about what is in my head, but I am not able to.

A bit out of the ordinary I was forced to go out with my father, which is never that fun and a bit stressful to me. They chose to take us to The Melbourne Show..... that was not the best idea. Multiple hours of walking around stressed as all hell, wanting to piss myself and bail (Even knowing I was too scared to even go to the toilet), the constant thought of killing myself to end all those emotions and trying my hardest to smile and look like I am having fun. All bundled into a nice present.....

I do not talk to them about any of this, so it is probably my fault that it happened, but crap. I hated it. The amount of stress that was for me was honestly not worth doing it. Then when I got home my brothers girlfriend was over, so I did not even get to have a nice shower to calm myself down as I do not feel comfortable having a shower with her or anyone else in the house.... so that was fun....

Also throughout the recent days I found my old poems that I use to write which are... not fun to read. I should probably burn them all, but I cannot bring myself to do it.

I do not know what else to say about what has has been happening.

Emotionally I am feeling lonely again. I just want someone to be around, to feel the warmth of another person in the room, to hug someone. I know it will not happen for a long time. The last time I had that was back in November. It makes me feel all cold. I do not really like this feeling. I know I have lived with it all my life but it is causing a lot of pain right now.

And well October is around so it is going to be a long month.....

I hope you are doing well (And anyone else who reads this) Take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello purplOJ

It sounds like you're feeling super lonely yet also feel like you have no space when people are actually around. Like something is crowding out you from your space.

Sleep deprivation is a real problem when it comes to mental health. It's very hard to get the motivation and energy to get ourselves out of a rut when we're sleep deprived.

What is causing you to stay up and have you talked to any doctors about trying to get more hours?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Sorry this was delayed. The following was typed up before, however for reasons was not posted. I am just trying to post it now so that I am continuing to post in here, so I do not... lose the motivation to post again, and so there is something up there. Sorry...

I agree with that. I do feel lonely. My body feels cold and empty, I know that there really is nowhere for me to go, and even if there was nobody would want to be with me for any amount of time.

I understand that sleep deprivation is a large problem for mental health. Part of it is my fault. I do not really want to sleep. Sleeping makes me think more and well remember more. I do not really like to think and remember. With little sleep I do not remember as much of my past, and I do not think as much about the future. I no longer thing about what is to come and what will be happening. I know that I need to sleep to get better, however I would not be able to do it right now..... I would not want to do it alone... not having anyone to go to.... not being able to go to anyone if anything happened.

If I am suicidal right now and I am just skimming over the problem, trying my hardest to make myself not even know what lies below.... If I plunge in as I am... alone with nobody to turn to... It scares me how suicidal I will be... and if I needed help, somehow I even got a message out asking for help between trying to kill myself... I know nobody would come.... the closest person who has spoken to me in the last 5 months or so is in America. I do not have anyone to help.. so for now I am forcing myself to be sleep deprived... even if it slowly killing me, it is slower then what would happen if I remembered more.

And I have not spoken to any doctors... I have not been to any doctor in nearly a year. I should go, but I cannot, I just ignore my medical problems, and let them slowly
kill me. I am not welcome at my local doctors as I was supposed to go there in November for a blood test again but could not and their mental doctor said she would not see me unless I saw other people. So I do not feel welcome there. I do not know where else to go.

And sorry if this post seems strange, it is 8am and I am yet to sleep, and this is the 2nd time writing this (It bugged out the first time).

Well I hope you are alright, take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

You said: I know that there really is nowhere for me to go, and even if there was nobody would want to be with me for any amount of time.

What do you mean there is nowhere for you to go, and how do you know this?

I mean, you said you do not feel welcomed or accepted by the local doctor, but they really did try to help you. So I'm trying to understand what you mean by there is nowhere for you to go, because the doctor and the psychiatrists both have open doors.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hi James,

I said that because I know if I left home that there would be nowhere that would accept me or want to be around me. Those that do, do it because it is their job. If it was not they would have kicked me out already. In school which was the last time I was really around others, I was always told how scary I was, how people did not really enjoy being around me. Even those that I hung around pretending to be friends with constantly reminded me of how I was scary.. Even the only two people who did not do that have stopped talking to me. Even if I try to contact them they remain silent. So I doubt that anyone would be willing or enjoy being around me. And I do not really want to make others uncomfortable so I do not feel there is really anywhere for me to go.

I have not managed to go to the doctors even for physical problems. I have needed to go for a while, however I do not think it would be okay for me to return after they said "Come back in November" and I never returned. Either they would dislike me, or judge me for that. The mental health person there told me not to come back. She did not want to see me unless I saw a psychiatrist (I think they are the ones who prescribe meds, I get them confused a lot) and get stuff. However I do not feel comfortable or have the inner ability to go there. Because I am scared to be medicated, I really do not want to be. And even if I was I could not afford to be on it for long. I do not bring this stuff up with my family, and I no longer get money from the government, so I probably would only be on them for a month. I stopped getting centerlink because I was too depressed to call them or see them physically, being in the office with all those people. And even if I did I do not have a valid photo ID so that is another large hurdle to get through.

I am probably rambling now... I hope I answered what was asked, I am sorry.

I hope you are doing alright today... take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

I can see why those past experiences might have put you off making new friends and why missing your appointment might make it feel like the doctors might judge you. That can be very isolating.

Have you ever thought about how these worries are mostly "what ifs?"

For example, the doctor might judge you, or they might not. In fact, given their training, they most likely won't. The psychiatrist might prescribe you medication, or they might not once they heard you tell them that you really didn't want it. And ditto potential friends might not enjoy being around you, or maybe they'll actually really like talking to you.

All of these things are possibilities and not certainties. The only certainty at the moment is that you know how it feels to keep the status quo. And that feeling, as you've described it, seems pretty horrible and lonely.

We know you're capable. It's just hard to start setting up these early habits which will build upon themselves.

James