New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hi there,

My apologies that this took some time to be sent. I am just running thin right now. I have ended up only eating at what would be thought of as 'dinner time' and have not had the energy to be eating during other times of the day, and I have bearly left my bed most days. Just laying there with my thoughts, it ends up being 5pm before I can motivate myself enough to get up.

I honestly do not know. I doubt anyone would say that I do not need medication. I am a wreck who has imagined himself dying every day for over a year now. I also doubt people would enjoy talking to me, not even I want to talk to myself.

I know that I should try more, just in my head thinking about that makes me question why I should both trying, because in the end I always end up further down then I was before.

I am going to have to be outside soon, with a physical test I have to take for uni. I am not prepared at all, I only managed to make one class this semester because I could not bring myself to get out of the house. It is going to be fun failing that for a second time because I can never bring myself to classes. Honestly I am scared to even go to it. I know I will not do anything, but part of my head thinks that I would end up putting myself in dangerous situations. So that will be fun to do.

Well have a good day, take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

Nice to hear from you again.

It's good to know that you know what you are struggling to do.

Do you mind if I ask what it is that brings you back to these forums to post? Do you read other people's threads as well?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hello James,

I have tried to answer that question a few times since you posted it... the only answer I have is that I do not know. I cannot think of a reason why I come back. Even sitting here now for 10 minutes I cannot think of a reason why I come back, or even am here at all.

And I sometimes read some other peoples threads, I cannot do much posting as people would not want to hear from me.

And well I am having to leave for an exam now, I do not know if I will pass, I have not been to class apart from once. I have gone over a bit of the work at home, but I am a lazy arse and did not do it much. It is the first time outside in over a month... This will be interesting.

I just thought I should say something before I leave.

I hope you all have a good day. Take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

Good luck with the exam and good on you for giving it a go.

Perhaps when you come back, you can tell us how you find the forums. Not just your thread, but others' as well. I guess the question is: what is the experience like for you?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Sorry for not replying in a few days, I have been further down in the dumps then normal. Obviously I failed the exam because I have not managed to make most of the classes, I have not had confidence to go outside and be around people and when I did go to uni for one of the three days so far I am just filled with more then normal suicidal urges.

When I got home from the exam I got told how much of a failure of a son I am. I do not go to enough classes, I do not sleep properly, I did not sleep the night before the exam...

I tried my hardest to get to the exam, ended up in a toilet crying for over half an hour before the exam because I was so stressed and scared. I did not sleep because I was so stressed out about leaving the house. I tried my hardest and I am still a failure of a son.

I don't think I can do much anymore. It just hurts to do anything.

And well yesterday I found out that my grandmother is coming down on Wednesday and Sunday. It is not going to be a good time, I do not get along with her, when I use to trust my mother with knowing about my depression she was informed and she has nearly broken this family apart.

And well... Sunday is defiantly going to be a good fun day. I am going to have her over, and I turn 21... I do not really speak to anyone in Australia now. The last people have not spoken to me in months. So I turn 21 alone. It will be so much great fun.... I have not been dreading this day for months.....

Well that is what is floating around my head today.

I am not really sure about how to answer that, I think the experience is decent. There is not much I would say about it, just a place to put thoughts.

Anyway, take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I noticed you didn't give yourself any credit for leaving the house at all and getting to the exam so here it is: good work for leaving the house. You said it was something you were super stressed about and you did it anyway.

So your birthday is this Sunday?

What do you find decent about it? For example, I enjoy talking to people and hearing about their lives and seeing if we can help them achieve what they want. Being on the forums lets me see people at all stages of that little journey which helps me also figure out what I want.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Thanks...

Yes it is.

I do not really know how to answer that, I think it is decent that there are other people who know about going through shit, and well that it is unidentifiable. in meaning that well nobody knows or will ever know who I am.

Anyway take care.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

Sorry my last post was short, I just wanted to get that out there before I fell asleep.

One day of family down here gone luckily. Did not see her much, although I do not think I can avoid her again on Sunday.

Tomorrow is another exam, the resit if I can make it, otherwise I have to do this class again. Which will be fun...And I have to finish a project that I am not far into, because I am a lazy arse who does not do anything. Apart from that I know I have a maths sometime next week along with a written for this security. I do not want to do anything again. I just want uni to be over. Given I want everything to be over, however I am apparently not allowed to do that.

And well how have things been for you James, a long time ago I remember you mentioning that you went to a board game meet up, do you still go? And well if so, how has it been? How goes your pets, I think I remember you mentioning a dog and a bird at one point or something. Sorry if I recalled incorrectly.

Take care

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hello PurplOJ,

Sorry I haven't had a chance to reply.

How did the rest of uni go?

I don't think I did go to that board game meet up in the end. I don't think I wanted to and I wanted to do my own thing instead. I've gotten a lot better at that. Some people say, 'oh but you should be seeing more people if you're struggling,' but I think that's not necessarily true. Generally, yes, but I'd had enough of people and it was more important that I do what I (not my depression or other people) wanted to do. Hard to separate me from my mental health sometimes, but I figured it out in that case.

My bird flew away a month ago. My mistake. I left its door open and opened the back door without thinking. Very dumb of me. I now have a new baby conure. She's very cute. And the rabbit I have is a bit jealous now which is funny.

When you say one of the things you like is knowing that there are others like you, do you mean it helps you feel less...I don't know. Different? Isolated?

Thank you for answering the question by the way. I hope it is not causing you any distress.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

It is fine if you do not reply, you should do feel the need to. If you wanted to you do not have to reply anymore. I understand.

I went to two more tests on Wednesday, and they went alright. Managed to get into the city and do them no problem. First one I passed, second I am not sure. I was very stressed by that point. And then on the way home I ended up throwing up because I was just so stressed and anxious. Not a fun feeling.

And well at least you did what made you happy, wither it is going to the board game meetup or not.

That is unfortunate to hear about your bird, hopefully it is happy out there. The conure sounds cute. And lol, animals are like that when you get new ones. They all just want all of your attention.

I do not know, I would agree partially to that. As that makes sense as to why knowing that there are others going through things is good. I know it will never get me closer to my current goal. But knowing that I am not the only one who has these things going around my head makes me better.

It does feel strange answering these questions.

And on news, last night I had the first sleep in nearly 2 years where I did not dream about either my childhood events or ways that I die. It honestly was no better, but it was different for a change. It was being trapped in a tram that was speeding and I was too oblivious to be able to stop it. It ended up hitting some people, however it was a different dream to my regular. I would probably prefer to continue my dreams of my death over and over again in new ways each night.

And well nearly all stuff is done, 2 assignments and a dreaded presentation left. (Given they should already be done, however I am never motivated to even leave my bed let alone do uni work that I always feared I would be dead before completion of the course) And just have to see my father and then all birthday stuff is done. I was supposed to see him this weekend however that is not possible. However at least my house is quiet again.

I do not know what else to say really. Take care

Goodnight

PurplOJ