New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

Yeah, it is not a fun feeling.

Well I managed to have some verbal communication with my friend for a bit. It was nice to hear her voice again. We played a bit of a game, that was fun. That is about it, apart from that just some messages.

My semester ends mid November

And well today I have been a shitty person. The friend that I talked to agreed to do something again today. I have been waiting 6 hours, while she has played games with her other friends. I feel jealous of her other friends. I wait after being told 'soon' and 'a little bit'. And she is spending hours with them and I am lucky to get 20 minutes. It feels like I mean so little to her, how I wait hours to get 20 minutes of her time and she spends hours with others. When she finally offered to do something she waited 3 minutes before going back. I don't know where I stand, sometimes I doubt she thinks of me as a friend and I am only there because she feels sorry for me.

Apart from that today I made some biscuits. Cinnamon shortbread, they were nice.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey, I'm sure you know this already but thinking about why others do what they do will only make us feel worse. Far better to just enjoy the time you have, and not think too much about the whys and what ifs. That said, I'm completely guilty of it myself, so I shouldn't be talking, haha. I get super nervous when people don't reply to me.

mid-November...cool. So a little over a month left. You said you're not really looking forward to it ending though. But maybe you'll find that without that pressure of TAFE, you'll have more energy to try and do some other stuff.

Suppose you found yourself in mid-November with heaps of energy. I don't know why - let's just say magic. What kind of stuff would you consider doing?

Oh I love shortbread, but less so cinnamon. Do you have a recipe?

James

[PurplOJ]

Yeah, I know that thinking this way makes me feel very shitty. I just do not know what else to do. I let things get the better of me. I just really want to do something, to talk or anything. I wish I could talk about this stuff with her, to be able to say some things like how much it hurts when she does stuff like this. However I fear I will lose her as a friend, and I cannot deal with that. I am still waiting for her to do something with me, she agreed 7 hours ago. Fun....

Yeah, mid-November is going to be very fun. I do not know what I would do, the only things I want to do involve others, and I doubt things will happen. And it's just stuff like seeing them physically, or literally being able to hear the voices of my friends.

Yeah, I have baked the recipe a few times. I would link it, however that is not allowed. It is just
Butter 125g
Icing Sugar 1/3 cup
Flour 1 cup
Vanilla Extract 1 tsp
And Cinnamon

Just beat the butter, Vanilla and sugar untill fluffy , fold in everything else, kneed, sit for 15, roll it out and cook for 14 or so.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hmm...what kind of stuff do you enjoy doing, or did enjoy doing at some point? E.g. at some point, I have liked tennis, running, hiking, writing, drawing, reading and computer games.

Cool, thanks 🙂 I will have to ask my sister to make it because I hate kneading dough, haha. And I burn everything I bake.

James

[PurplOJ]

I use to play a lot of video games, as an escape, sort of enjoyed them. I enjoy board games, you can't play well solo but they are fun. Hugs are enjoyable. I sometimes enjoy reading. Apart from that I can't tell or remember. I don't really remember the last time I was happy longer than a day.

That is a nice selection of things to enjoy. And how have you been than? Anything on?

Ha, hopefully your sister can make them. I probably missed some info (Like the temperature is 160C) If you need more info just ask.

I have been not that well over the last few days. My friend is, well I hope she is my friend as I am not sure she ever saw me as a friend anymore. I feel like she thinks of me as a little insignificant thing that she is only around because she has to be. And well not she is fed up with me and yeah. She agrees to do things and just cancels over and over. I was meant to see her today and talk about issues, I baked the cookies for her for that day and it was cancelled. I felt sad and ended up eating the whole batch of them alone while crying. She tells me that she does not want to be around anyone and then she plays games with other people all day. And it hurts, she could say that she does not want to be around me and that is that. However she lied to me, not being around anyone and still is around others.

I don't know what I do wrong, it hurts. I wish she would just tell me what I do wrong, or the truth. She gives me hope and just shoves me down over and over. I wish my past was all there was, just living through that over and over. I hate what has happened with my friends. I try so hard for them, and do all I can. Offer anything and this is what happens. I know I should not complain about all this stuff, I say it every week over and over. Anyone reading this will be sick of it. I just do not understand. I am sorry if you read this, I am a self-cenered arsehole who just cares for himself. I just have to try to live through everything 1 week until I visit my friend in the country, another week until my psyc. I don't really have anything to look forward to after my friend, but I have to try. I just need to think about how sad they will be if I died, just think that over and over so I don't kill myself after next week. Given my brain is already thinking of who gets what and closing bank account, I just need to keep thinking of how sad they will be.

I am sorry for this ramble, It's how I am. And I don't expect anyone to read it, sorry if you did.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

I am worried about you so can I please ask that you read my response when you are feeling...less down?

I asked about your interests because I think you need to cut-off contact with your current friends who are causing you to ruminate and doubt yourself. For a while, I had hoped that things would change and the small good bits would keep you going, but I feel like the negatives are really bringing you down.

This is going to be tough. I liken it to breaking up with a long term partner which is something I had to do as well. But I think it's super important that you do, because it seems like you're really trapped in this cycle of negativity which all extends from your interactions with your friends. So rather than worrying about yourself and your own feelings, you worry about how they see you and end up hating yourself more.

When is your next appointment with your psych? Perhaps you could ask for her opinion on this as well.

Can I also ask you to please see if there are any board game meet-up groups in your area or through TAFE? You could tell us if you find any.

James

[Doolhof]

Hi PurplOJ,

Sounds like you are stuck in a bit of a rut right now. Sometimes they are hard to get out of and need a little effort. I've not read your whole thread so don't know all of what has been written here.

I've been away from the computer for a while due to an extended power failure in S.A. had the computer crash, then had my ill sister visiting for a week.

It seems to me that James is trying to help you with a few different ideas and suggestions.

Recently I have found myself to be out of work so I looked at volunteer opportunities in our region. I decided to help out with the "Riding for the Disabled". I don't know much about people with disabilities and even less about horses.

This is an opportunity for me to try something totally different. Think outside the box and see what you can come up with for yourself.

Regarding playing games with others, some libraries have game sessions. If you have an aged care facility near you, there would be plenty of people there to play games with and people to talk to.

Friends and companions can come in all ages!

Are there support staff at the TAFE whom you can talk with?

As the holidays are coming up soon, do you have plans? Going back to the volunteer stuff, would you consider having a look in your region? If so, the first place to start might be contacting your local council.

Some days when my friends are busy and don't have time for me, I find ways to make myself happy and think of how I can make my days enjoyable.

Relying on others for your own happiness can be a bit soul destroying when it doesn't happen as you expect.

Make a list of things you would like to do today, tomorrow, next week, next year. Consider how many of those are achievable. Try one and see how far you get with your ideas.

This next week I hope to make it to the beach...rain or sunshine, I would like a walk along a beach.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ just wanted to check that you're okay. Please don't feel like you have to reply until you feel ready, but I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ

How are you going? I am sorry I have not written to you for a while. Sadly there has been an explosion in my life. Well that may be overstating the difficulty, but that's how it feels. Not me going off the rails or anything of that nature, just a shocking discovery and lots of dismay and hurt arising from the actions of another person. The shock is wearing off and I am getting back on track with my life.

I started to read through your post but could not manage it. I gather you are in the same situation as when you first wrote in. You have also had a few sad days which has sent your thoughts down a very dark road. That is sad and I wish I could walk with you and bring you back to safety. I understand you are disappointed about your friend who so often fails you. This is really no friend at all. Real friends do not act in this manner. If you let go of the girl you will open yourself to so many people and to seeing much more in the world.

I hope you are asking how this will work because I want to tell you. But you need to get out of bed and talk to us. James has been talking and walking with you and would love to hear from you. And I see Mrs Dools and Starwolf have added their comments and suggestions. You have quite a support group here waiting to talk about your next step.

Now that I am back I hope to continue the conversation we started a while ago.

Take care of yourself.

Mary

[geoff]

hi PurplOJ, sorry I'm coming in after 5 pages, so I might need to catch up a bit and excuse me if I have made some comments which may not apply to you or way of the mark, but reading the last few posts it seems as if this supposedly friend of yours isn't a real friend, sure she maybe worried about you to a certain extent, but she is just an acquaintance, she's not a true friend who you could ever rely on, as you already know you feel disappointed and rather let downand I wouldn't believe that this situation will ever improve.
You seem to be wanting to get your foot into this group as a confidence booster, but it seems as though they aren't the right group for you, it's hard to make friends with people in a group by singly picking one person out, thinking that this will enable you to join the group, this could happen, but the head of this group has to accept you first of all and if they accept you then you will at the bootom of the pecking order.
I do believe that you are having trouble with 'friends' saying they will be over to you shortly, and either come late or don't come at all, these aren't the people you want to be friends with, because in any emergency there is no way you could ever trust them to help you.
A few of us Champions have replied back to you and perhaps if I am wrong somewhere then please pick me up and correct me. Geoff.