New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

That is unfortunate, maybe you could find some other things to work for that. Some teas are alright for it. I can only imagine how low you feel right now, with all the meds going away. I would imagine they slowly take you off those things (Although may not be possible if it was side effects that made you go off them, I do not know why you are no longer on them. I am not that smart as to work it out). And you can through your thoughts here if you want. It is not like anyone else will read it, they have all long abandoned this thread. And you are not silly.

I do not know what day was extended, I only have TAFE Monday to Thursday, so I am guessing it was this Friday (I do not know what it was than). Otherwise I have not been informed that I have Monday off.

I am having to see my father tomorrow... Fun...

Well nothing much else to say, still feel numb and nothing much else.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Just posting updates here. Well I managed to get to class today. I was in bed late and missed 2 classes.

I hope everyone is doing alright.

Well take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

Great to hear you got to class even if you missed a couple 🙂 How was class? Could you focus much?

We had a public holiday in NSW (labour day), so I stayed at home and tried to keep writing my story. I started a new one and hopefully can iron out the plot tomorrow after work.

Sorry about the short posts. I've not been mentally well recently. 😞 I hope you're doing a bit better.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Class was alright. A bit hard to concentrate, although I have to try my best. I have fallen a bit behind on a my classes due to the last few months, it sure is fun....

Ah nice, that sounds decent. We did not have the day off, I was still in. How is the story coming along?

It is fine, I hope that you start to be more mentally well soon.

I do not know if I am doing better, I have just been feeling numb or empty the last while. I was out shopping today and picking up scripts for some medication I have. I am allergic to bees and my old meds expired. Yay for spending lots of money on medication.....

I managed to organise seeing one of my friends on the 18th. I am quite excited for that, hopefully it will go well. At the current moment I am staying overnight there. Slightly scary as I have never done that, so yeah it will be fun. Unfortunately that means I had to push my appointment with my psyc back a week (She probably will not like that, she wanted to see me weekly which I could not as I miss class to go, and I am pushing it back further). Now I have to find another spot to take a test and than everything will be ready... I hope.

I hope everything is alright. Take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Well i finished the old one and I didn't end up doing much on the new one. Instead, I focussed on fixing up one of my poems. I can't believe I spent an hour just fixing up 150 words, haha.

Yeah, numbness is a feeling I can understand. Is there anything you can do to break it? For example, I sometimes go out and walk barefoot just to feel the ground beneath my feet. It works some days and other days I just get cold feet, haha.

Oh that's exciting. That's just under two weeks away. Do they live far away and hence why you're staying overnight? I don't think your psych will mind if it's to do something good for you. What kind of test are you doing?

I started back on the medication. Funny, because I ate them too quickly the first time so I ran out just as I'd gotten over the side effects, then I had the withdrawal effects, and just as I'd gotten over them, I've started back on and am getting the side effects again. Serves me right for not following the script, haha.

James

[PurplOJ]

Ah nice. Finishing the story would have been nice. Did you give it around the writing group to get feedback? And ha, that is a long time. It must be something now.

I don't know what I can do. Part of me wants to keep it. Being numb is horrid, however it is better than feeling sad or other emotions like that.... and feeling numb is somewhat peaceful. I would not know what to try if I was getting rid if it.

Yeah they are far away, it would take a few hours to get there by train. My psyc might be cross I do not know. She said every week and this makes it 4 weeks. My tests are written on matirial we learnt and practical setting up of computer networks.

Well hopfully theu work well. It does not sound fun going back to the side effects. Although you really should follow the instructions. It is the problem most people have with cold and flu medication. They stop when noticable things are gone and do not finish the directions to continue.

Hopefully it all turns out alright.

Take care

PurplOJ

[james1]

Nah, I want to leave it for a bit and make any changes in about 2 weeks time then see if I can get feedback 🙂 I know it's okay, but not great, and I want to make it a bit better before I share it around.

Ooh I knew a guy who set up networks for a living. But I thought you were more interested in the programming side?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hm. Ok than, well you should say what others think of it, when you show others.

Yeah I like the programming side a lot more. They do not teach much programming in the course and I have to do the other stuff. Like a course for writing and it might have english history in it, as that is just some part of the course.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Well, just trying to keep up posting here.

I am not quite sure exactly what I have been doing these last few days. Most of it feels like I have just sat at my computer staring into nothingness. I do not even know how I feel, everything is just empty.

I sometimes still think about ending my life. I know it is quite greedy and not a good thing to do, it is just what my mind falls to from time to time. I think my body is making me forget a lot of these thoughts, which is why I have had a few lapses in time. I end up losing an hour or maybe 20 minutes sometimes.

I have had contact with my friends, and it is great. I know that I really enjoy the time that I get to spend with them, and I am thankful they choose to spend time with someone like me. After being with them it does not take long to feeling empty. I do not know, it feels like I am nothing without them there at the moment. I know all these things are bad, I am going to end up going back to what I was doing. Where I was putting them under the pressure and making them feel bad. Either that or being clingy.

Well that is how I am feeling right now, I do not know what else I can really say. My appetite is a bit low and my sleep is all sorts of messed up. All I can do is hope for the future, what is there and that I cannot see is all I can do.

And just a request to the mods who will read this. By any chance could this posts name be changed. If possible could you change it to "Emptiness inside this monster" I think that suits this topic well. If you cannot change it to that, if possible something close that you can. Thankyou

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

I was talking to another friend who has a similar issue with lapsing from time to time and basically losing that sense of being here. I don't get it as strongly or often, but I know how it feels and I'm sorry I can't give you any advice, only support.

Would you mind sharing how your time with your friends went? No problem if you'd prefer not to talk about it. I just wanted to give you the chance to talk about it and let you know I'm interested.

When is the TAFE semester going to end?

James