New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Yeah trapped is a decent way to put things. And yeah, an escape from that would be good, although for me to get an escape I need other people to be there. Right now I do not have that, the only way I would get something like that is if I am on my knees begging it feels like.

I do not know about my next psyc appointment. I do not really know how to plan and what planing is like for such a thing.

That is a very large dream, it seems like you would be running your own mini zoo for yourself (I would not want to see the cost of their food). I just wonder about the choice of rats rather than mice. Is it something you like about them or you prefer them or something?
Although it is still a nice dream, hopefully you can get at least part of it someday (I'd start with the less exotic animals first. I would imagine you need a few permits to have some of them)

I have learnt how to do that for a long time. I cannot remember the last time I fully smiled myself. They are rare moments. All I seem to do is put on this fake smile 24/7. Outside and Inside.

Well today was uni, just classes. I did have plans to play a game with the friend that is talking to me again (Started yesterday). Than it was cancelled because she is going out now. I really wish that we could have done something, I really need someone... I don't like being alone. I never liked the feeling of being alone.... I am hoping that when she gets back she does have a chance to do something. I know it is greedy of me to think so, I just really hope it is possible. I do not want to have to wait another day for interaction with a friend.

...Look at me complaining so much, trying to read it again is making me feel sick. I seem so greedy, although I probably should leave it or I will never send messages.

So, what did you get up to during the day you are reading this? (Or will, in case you are reading it in the morning)

PurplOJ

[james1]

I guess the planning is just a question of what do you want to talk about, and what do you want to get out of the session?

Rats are smarter than mice and you can teach them tricks. They're also friendly unlike mice who just bite and run away.

Ah, you have such a negative opinion of yourself. I just see someone who's incredibly upset by the situation he's in and needs help to get out of his predicament - not someone who's greedy.

I'm just at work. Yesterday was... interesting. Let's just say I got angry and did things I shouldn't have done, but today I'm calmer which is good. I'm going to a meetup group tonight which is for writers to basically sit together in silence for 2 hours writing. I've never done that before, so it will be interesting. If people stick around afterwards to chat, that'd be nice.

How about yourself?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey.

I honestly do not know what I should talk about. The whole thing is a mystery to me, I was never good at doing it. All I really know is that I want to feel better. The main thing that has effected my last few days that is hot on my mind is those around me and well... loneliness. And that is something she cannot really help with.

I never knew rats were smarter. And that makes sense why you are wanting to have them rather than mice than.

Well there is really no other way of thinking about me. I do not understand how you see me as anything other than greedy. When I want so much.

Ah it sucks to hear about yesterday, hopefully it does not have any repercussions. And that sounds interesting for what you are doing tonight. I hope that the group goes well for you. I have never seen such groups happen, so I would be interested in hearing about it.

Well myself, I did not have the strength to attend TAFE today. I just could not act happy. So I have sat at my computer drowning myself out, waiting for this evening because I was meant to play a game with my friend. It was meant to be Sunday, but I went out. Than she had Surprise plans on Monday. And today she told me that she is sick. Which sucks, as I am now alone again tonight.

I do not have much luck with these sorts of things, people seem to fall sick or have other things to do a lot when I try to make plans with them. I know I over think it and it is horrible of me to do so, but some days it feels like they say it to get out of doing anything with me. Ah well... I really wished I could have done something with my friend tonight, I need something. And no matter what I do, it always fails.... I am just tired of being alone, it taking so long that I even forget what my friends voices sound like. It makes me feel horrible when that happens. And I am sitting here feeling like this, while my friend is sick. I am just a horrible person.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Well, back again today.

I do not know what is wrong with me. I should not be like this, somehow in my brain the emotions of loneliness and jealousy have consumed me. It is a horrible thing. Right now, I do not mind what other things I have been going through. None of it seems important, not even the underlying problems that started this mood and made me seek out the escape I want right now. All that is on my mind is how lonely I am. I know it is a petty thing that is keeping me here, such emotions are nothing compared to others, and for me to want to do such things due to them is weak. I even see it as more important than the feelings I get being able to feel those nights again, the pain of it... everything.

However right now I cannot think of anything else. Right now all I want is someone who can understand and be there... I'd even relive my childhood... what he did to me, all 2+ years of it just to get a friend who is there. I just feel so alone right now.

My friend tells me they are sicker today than they were yesterday. I am not able to do anything with them, and it will be rescheduled again. Until later in the night when she starts playing games with her other friend... She knows how I have been, that I have asked her nearly begging for something. I know it is jealousy that is this. Although it still hurts.

I am just a petty man in all of this. Hell I would not even call myself a man, I am a child. I do not know what to do anymore, I try my hardest. I am always there for them, I would do anything for them even die for them. Although the only time that I can get help is when I am on my hands and knees begging for help.

I do not know what to do, I can try to talk to them although this will just make it worst.... I do not want to be alone anymore. Last time I was alone for an extended period of time, which was on Saturday.... I well, ended up very bad.

....I hope you are all alright. 

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey,

Sorry I did not reply. Just posting here to say I'm listening.

Stayed at home yesterday and was pretty much in bed all day.

You know what the answer to your problems is. You said:

"Right now all I want is someone who can understand and be there..."

A lot of different names for experiences like yours, but the short of it is you're still suffering from experiences growing up which have affected how you perceive yourself and others. It's really no surprise that you find it difficult to trust people, but that's the only way you'll open up enough to a psychologist to help you put those bad experiences to bed.

I was emotionally and somewhat physically abused growing up and my psychologist will need to help me work through those memories. It's extraordinarily painful and I truthfully hate it, but it's useful. For the time being, we've switched tactics a bit but we will need to revisit them again later.

Anyway, sorry I can't post more. I'm exhausted! But I am listening and I just wanted to let you know you're still talking to a friend here.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

It is fine.

Ah staying in bed all day does not sound good. Hopfully you are alright.

Yeah, and that is not there right now.

I do not know how much I can trust people. It took me a long time to get just 3 people I trust and I don't even trust my blood. Truthfully it was a relitive who did everything. Not even having the same blood protected me. So how am I ment to trust when I cannot trust my blood.

It doesn't sound like you had an enjoyable experience back than luckly it is over now. And good work going through it with your psyc. I wish I had the strength to do the same.

It is fine. You should get some rest and get better. Hopefully, you feel good soon.

And I hope everyone else is doing well, I saw that Emmy left us for a bit which is sad. I enjoyed reading her conversations, even if I couldn't say anything there myself. Hopfully everything goes alright.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Yeah, sometimes I just lose myself a bit and don't trust what I say, or to talk to people here because I get this massive fear of abandonment and knowing that makes me trust myself even less.

Yeah, it's always people close to us who do that sadly, and it really puts a massive dent in our ability to trust others. It's why I like strangers a lot more - I don't feel like they can hurt me as much.

Have you read many other posts here from people with similar experiences to yours? There are a few in the PTSD/Trauma section that I've seen. I don't want to call them out individually, but I've seen quite a few.

Yeah I was sad to hear about Emmy's post, but I guess her psychologist must've seen that she was very emotionally invested and it was negatively impacting her recovery from anxiety. I do hope she can come back soon, as I think she really liked having this place to talk.

James

[PurplOJ]

Ah that is not an enjoyable experience to have. The fear of abandonment is not fun. And feel free to post here whenever, I wont abandon you. You are the only one still talking here ( Probabaly because I do not talk on other threads because I am scared I will stuff up)

Yeah. You would expect strangers to do it more when it is the people close who do it the most.

I have not looked at others in a long time. I did when I joined but since not anymore. It is good to go through although I do not like remembering some things I read.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Thanks for saying that. I don't think it's a worry that you'll stuff up. You've had experiences which you've learnt from and it can sometimes be easier to give others support than give yourself support and advice. At any rate, all our posts are checked anyway.

Mhmm...probably best to stay safe for yourself and not be reminded of things until you're ready to deal with them.

Was today your day off?

James

[PurplOJ]

Yep, all posts are checked. And than edited if need be.

Yeah, that is the idea.

And nope, I just had a chance to go here while at uni that I do not normally have.