New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

I don't know where my last message is, I thought I sent one although I must have been silly. I will wait a while and it might go through. If need be tomorrow I will repeat what I typed.

Well trying to do something with my friend. And well, it just feels like she is avoiding doing it. I asked on the 13th. She did not look at it until the 17th, and I am not good. I really need something other than messages right now. So, we try to do it. And my mistake I have to see my father the next day so that cannot happen. Each day we try to plan it. Monday, she goes out with her family and cannot do it, Tuesday she is 'sick' and cannot do it, Wednesday she is still 'sick' and cannot but plays games with other people, today she is out at a birthday and I wait for her to get home to do something. Turns out she is drunk and cannot do anything. Tomorrow she might do it, although she is maybe seeing her boyfriends friend so she might not.... I can't tell if it is me doing something wrong or what. I am nearly on my hands and knees begging for just a verbal conversation. And that has been pushed back so much.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Without knowing your friend, I don't really know 😞 But it sounds horrible for you.

Do you feel like it would be more painful to continue feeling like you're being strung along or just to cut off completely?

Is today your day off?

[PurplOJ]

I do not know what would be more painful. Neither are good options. I would not want to be strung around, nor would I want to just be abandoned... I cannot tell anymore, all it is now is false hope.

And yes, I am off today.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Well my friend who I though was avoiding me, spoke up about some things to me. It was an interesting selection of things that was not fun to read. Basically I am very passive aggressive whenever I use '...' in my text (I apologise if anybody takes it that way. It is not my intent, I use that for many things), which causes problems. They do not enjoy me getting upset at them for some things. And I am a greedy person, as apparently I am never thankful for what they do and everything like that.

And finally I hurt them, through my actions and my words they told me I hurt them, and that makes me feel horrible. Hurting them is what I want to do the least, and well the fact that I still hurt them is not good. Some time thinking about it makes me wonder if I hurt them more by being here or going. It is just not fun.

So that was not fun to read. We tried to discuss it this morning (24th), and because I am not good at waking up early (They were busy in the afternoon) I had to stay up not sleeping to make sure I was there and could have the conversation. By now I am very very tired, I got ~1 hour of sleep the night before and none last night. So yeah, we never ended up having the conversation. She was busy all day and said she could not at about 4:30pm. And I found this disrespectful. I know I am complaining here and I should not be, I just am trying to find somewhere to dump my mind. Well I have been up for 2 days now, I did that so I could have the conversation and they canceled it. We rescheduled it to noon tomorrow, but I am just not sure what to do. Honestly I want to have the conversation, but I feel I should not even bother preparing for it as I expect it to be canceled. It is just, disappointing.

Well I hope that everyone is doing alright.
I probably should message in other topics and try to offer support to others, I just don't know how they will view it. I do not want to hurt people and I seem to do it a lot. But I might see if I can try sometime, hopefully nothing goes wrong.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't really have any words of advice except to say you might need to be prepared to have another difficult conversation with your friend. It doesn't sound like they're happy with how things are going.

What date is your next psychologist appointment?

One of the things I've learnt from my psychologist appointments is that the way I say certain things and do certain things is often interpreted differently by others. And worse still, in ways opposite to what I mean. It sounds like you do the same thing and a lot of that can simply be because we didn't have the right role models growing up, so social situations are a minefield for us at best.

Perhaps this is something you can talk to your psychologist appointment about. If you write out the sequence of events and even show some of the things you may have written, they can help you understand what happened.

The thing to remember is that your psychologist isn't going to judge you. Unlike your friends who may not understand, your psychologist knows that the way you respond and say things is a result of how you grew up, and not necessarily a reflection of who you are. So when you say you're a monster because you hurt people (unintentionally, or even intentionally), the psychologist's job is to help you understand what all this stems from. Because ultimately, without understanding, we can't make any meaningful changes in our lives.

For example, I did something silly that hurt me because I wanted to spite others and make them feel bad. Of course, I feel terrible for wanting to make them feel bad and that all arises from not knowing how to express what I want. So I act out instead. Knowing this arms me with the understanding that I'm not a bad person, I just don't know what else to do.

I hope that makes sense.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James,

Yeah, I understand that I have to prepare for such a conversation. And I do not think that anybody is happy with how I have been for the last few months (maybe more). I just find it hard to prepare when I know it will not happen. It is 7pm and I have not heard a word from her, if that happens 90% of the time (Unless she meant midnight for some reason). I do not know what I do to cause that. Hopefully during the conversation they can tell me so I can stop it.

I am seeing my psyc on Tuesday the 27th so only 2 days.

That is an interesting way to put how that goes, it makes sense. Everybody understands things differently. And yeah, navigating that minefield is a nightmare and even harder when others do not explain what you are doing wrong.

Maybe, I can try to get some of this to her.

I guess that is a psyc does. It just feels like I am going to get judged there, she knows who I am in real life. Hopefully she can give some answers.

That does not sound like a fun experience for you. Hopefully you can work out how to express what you want so that you do not have that trouble again.

And yeah, it makes sense.

Ah well. Hey James to lighten up this chat. How is your dog going?

PurplOJ

[james1]

Good to hear it's only 2 days now 🙂

My dog is going well. He lives with dad so I don't see him most of the time, but I saw him for the first time in probably 2 months and he was really excited to see me. Couldn't stop licking me. Then when I went to leave he started barking like, "Where are you going? You're not going again for another few months are you?" I'll have to go over again soon, haha.

It doesn't sound like you have any pets? Would you want one or are you not really a pet kind of person?

James

[PurplOJ]

Ah that sounds nice. Your dog sure loves you. It is a nice a cute story.

I do have 2 cats. A fluffy ragdoll, and just a mix breed. They are lovely cats that sleep most of the day. Either on a bed when someone is in the room, or in the sun on some days (Although it is not common that a day is nice enough to have the house open in my current weather). Apart from that they just play and eat a lot. The ragdoll is currently sleeping on my bed, and has a problem where if it wants attention and I am not giving it enough it will find any bit of cardboard or paper it can find and eats it.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Aha cats are funny. Do ragdolls shed much? Apparently I'm allergic to cats so maybe a non-hair shedding cat would be better for me. I'd love to have a cat alongside all the other animals on my dream list!

[PurplOJ]

Hey,

Hahaha, yeah they shed a load. All my clothing is coated in a layer of fur and our furniture needs to get vacuumed every second week because of the fur.

It sucks that you are allergic. Cats are great. You should definitely find a cat you are good around.

PurplOJ