New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

From what I can piece together, your childhood wasn't really a childhood. Thank you for opening up and revealing that, it gives me a much better perspective.

It sounds like a lot of the people who say things to you just 100% don't get it. Like you say, some things last a lifetime and can really scar us. But it doesn't mean we can't live normal lives and do the things we want to do, like become a teacher.

Have you ever called your friends up on it? I think it's worth putting your foot down because it sounds like you've been hearing it so many times that you've lost hope. But perhaps the way to get back that hope is to fight for yourself and give yourself that chance. Is this something you spoke to your psych about last week?

It sounds like we've got a pretty long journey on our hands eh? haha. Dark is good - or at least it's better than a fake light.

Not sure where you are, but the weather's decent here. Try to get out some time today and maybe go for a walk or buy an ice cream. You really deserve a break.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there...

Yeah... My childhood was many things, but a proper childhood it wasn't.

Yeah, but to me it is stopping me. Because it is like you are working somewhere and nobody trusts you to be there. It's like working in a bank, and nobody trusts you and thinks you are stealing money. Or working at a pharmacy and not being trusted because they think you are taking some of the meds for yourself. The pressure of everyone watching your every move, knowing that nobody around you trusts you or thinks you will do the correct thing. No matter how hard you work or try they will always think that. That's not a workplace that I could work in. As much as I want to, their thoughts about me will stop me.

Yes, I mention it most times. It continues and I bearly talk to people anymore. The only 3 people I call friends and the only people who don't think of me like that. And I only am around others anymore because I would go much crazier if I only saw people once every 3 months. By hanging around the people I can slightly tolerate, I atleast do something once a month or month and a half.

And no... I honestly do not trust this psyc yet. She is new, and I do not really want to get into that with her yet.

Yeah, everything is a long journey, I just feel like my journey is almost at it's end. And I would go with fake light, the darkness is not a fun place. When you can physically feel it happening again sometimes even knowing it ended years ago... you love the fake light and try to be there as much as possible.

Ah, that sounds like a pleasant location to be. It was raining all day here, not that fun.

And today I managed to actually see one of my friends and we finally had the chat I have been trying to have for about 2 months. It was quite interesting. I do not know if it ended well or not. I am probably seeing her about it again sometime... I just hope it does not take as long this time.

PurplOJ

[james1]

I think you're just around the wrong people. It doesn't mean everyone will be like that. More than likely, if you go into teaching the people around you will be more supportive. I think you've just had a really bad run and it's really put a dampener on your expectations. But I don't think that'll always be the case.

You said you don't trust your new psyc yet. What do you think would happen if you told her?

Good to hear you got to catch up with your friend. For some reason I thought that was going to be in a month's time, but I'm really losing my sense of time, haha. Is your psych the next person you're planning to see or are you seeing another friend before that?

Hope your day is better and it's not too rainy! We're getting the rain here now. 😞

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey again,

Maybe you are right, however that is something I would be unable to change. And I have seen enough people think me as this, that it is the majority. I am unsure about being supported if I do go into teaching, if I ever get the strength to be there, I hope you are correct.

I do not know what would happen if I said stuff. They are a new person to me, they know who I am and where I live and everything. With that information they could do anything, sending people to my house, contacting my family, anything. At least here nobody knows who I am.

Yeah, the time I have spoken about is in a month. This time was a surprise to me, I have been trying to organise it for a long time and every time it got canceled. So I was not even thinking it would happen. There is not many other ways of thinking when you originally asked 2 months ago and have had it canceled every time up until now. So no, your sense of time is correct, I was just not even thinking it would happen myself. And yes, my psyc is the next person I am seeing. On the 27th.... Yay...

And yeah, it would have been a good day if I was awake before 3:30... I slept in, I have been feeling exhausted for a while.

And How have you been, I think I remembered you were put on pills some time ago, how are they treating you James?

PurplOJ

[james1]

Sometimes all we need is to be open to the possibility, not even hopeful, and positivity can build from there.

Could you talk about your frustrations about how people perceive you without necessarily talking about the extent to your feelings? It sounds you want her to be able to understand you but not overreact and get your family involved unnecessarily. I get that. But you need to be able to open up about your concerns slowly and it sounds like other people's perception of you really impacts you and how you deal with others.

Just 2 weeks until your psych. Keep yourself busy, and the time will pass. You'll be alright.

I've been feeling exhausted, same as you I guess. The difference is I will be fired if I wake up at 3:30, haha. And I can't afford that. Side effects of the pills seem to have worn off so I'm back to being me again, which I'm not liking. They were actually a good distraction from my overthinking. I don't feel any change in my mood, but they're meant to take a month to take effect anyway, so I've got another 2.5 weeks. Otherwise, been really up and down. Bad thoughts keep coming in, but I keep posting on the forums.

Do you find talking on the forums helps in any way? Or at least doesn't make things worse? Be honest! I'm just glad to be talking to people like you. Feels less alone somehow.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James,

Sorry that I never posted yesterday. I slept a lot, my hands are getting a bit of the shakes (Which is fun), and I am places.

Yeah, what people say, do and even don't do hurts. It is funny, I should be over this all by now. Years of being told this, over and over again by nearly everyone I meat and still it makes me feel pain. And maybe I do not know.

I am trying to keep busy. I am not sure however the extent in my ability to do such things.

That does not sound nice, although at least the pills side effects have worn off. And yeah, just hold out another 2.5 weeks and you will hopefully feel the effects.

Yeah, the forums can help. And hell since Tuesday afternoon you have been a whole 50% of the people who have replied to anything I have said anywhere.

Well I have been thinking of how things will go. I... will not be alive in the near future. I just have to find what to do. I have been waiting to try and make sure that my friends are all good when I die, so that it does not hurt them as much. The damage that they might feel, will be lessened and it will not put them in dangerous areas. I am just not sure, if I will be able to hold out until they are good. I have been trying for a long time now, and each day just gets harder and harder.

I have been thinking if it would hurt them less if I burnt the bridges that connect us. If I destroy our friendships than it will hurt my death will mean nothing to them. I just can't tell if destroying the friendship will hurt more than their friends death. And if we are no longer friends, they will be very confused when a bunch of my stuff turns up at their door.... will they know I destroyed the friendship so it would hurt them less... because that will probably hurt them even more...

I don't really know what to do. I am in a lot of pain each day. When I wake up, I fake being happy. There is nothing left for me here right now. And no matter what I do, it will hurt the three... I just can't be here anymore... I hurt them more by staying than I will going... I just need to think on what to do. I want to hurt them the least. I know no matter what when I leave, I leave a monster... I don't deserve to be here... for the pain I cause them, the time I waist on these forums, for everything that I have done...

I don't know what to do anymore...

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

Sorry I haven't replied. What's wrong with your hands? It doesn't sound great and did you want to talk more about what you mean by being places?

Yeah, I think a lot of the reason why you still are hurt by what people say now is that we tend to get caught in old ways of thinking, even if they are hurtful to us. So once we get the energy to challenge these thought patterns, hopefully they will stop.

I'm really worried about this latest turn for the worse. Can you bring your psychologist appointment earlier and give the support lines a call in the meantime?

I think you'd be expecting me to say this, but I'll say it anyway: staying alive and as well as you can be is the greatest gift you can give to your friends and to us. It's really important that you try to keep those bridges up and running because people do care.

You're not a monster at all. We can see that. Depression is lying to you.

Perhaps you could tell us what brought upon this change? You were doing a bit better before and endeavouring post every day if possible - that's progress that you're making.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

My hands are just shaking. I use to get like this a long time ago, when I had other episodes. I do not know what it means, why it happens or anything. It is just something that happens sometimes. And places means mentally. Basically I have not been good mentally in the slightest.

There is no way I can get my appointment closer, she only works Tuesdays and Wednesdays. And given my last psyc that worked 2 days in the same place, you need to book at least 2 weeks in advanced. I do not know how possible it is to call such places. To make the call, I would need to be physically somewhere I would find safe. I am very rarely in a safe enough place to call. The next time I see that I might be, is during the psyc appointment maybe.

I am never sure if they do care. I have not spoken to one friend since the 6th, they have gone. She has been going away a lot recently and whenever I asked for help they said no. Another is helpful, they just forget about me a lot and right now she is not wanting to talk to me. And the last is someone I have to get on my hands and knees and beg to, to get any help. I spend months organising days to get help, and I admittedly am the reason it gets put back once or twice, but 2 months of asking... is that really someone who cares. When we had our chat, she asked what she can do. My biggest response was 'talk to me' I explained that I placed a lot of importance on communication, it is all I have. And I start conversations, others reply. Once in a blue moon someone will talk to me, and start a conversation themselves. So after explaining all of that, over the next 4 or 5 days they did not talk to me. I was alone, even after texting them it took a day to reply. I cannot say they care.

I disagree with you, I am a monster. All I do is bring pain to others, day in and day out. Just pain over and over again. People are rarely happy around me, and they are only around me because they feel they need to be.

The change is something I go back and forwards from, just a big depressive episode. And apart from that I was alone again, after asking to be around people. They all left me, for several days I was alone with only my head to keep me company. And that's what happens when the only company you have is telling you to not be here. (I do not have voices in my head, that's just how I am wording it to make it better).

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Oh and I forgot to mention in my last post about today.

Well today, I had to go out and see my father and go to the Melbourne show.... it was not easy to be there, I tried my hardest to walk around faking to smile. I somehow managed to do it for the day. It made me very tired.

During the day my father made my step mother cry several times, which is not enjoyable to watch.

It was very loud there, and there were a lot of people. Although there were animals. I do enjoy animals, they can be friendly to you without even demanding that much (food mainly). And they do not leave you like humans do.

I hope you guys are alright, take care.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I'm really sorry, I don't know what to say. It just sounds to me like you're trapped and you need an escape which isn't that one.

But perhaps therein lie the solution. We find a way for you to get out of this negative cycle and negative environment, and slowly things will start to change.

What is your plan with the next psychologist appointment? Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?

And yes, my dream is to have a big dog, a small dog, a cat, a rabbit, two rats, a galah, a conure, a quaker and a cockatiel. Oh, and a turtle. 🙂

I think it's good that you were able to get out. That's an achievement in itself: to put on a smile, even if you don't feel it, and go outside.

James