New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Jess,

Yes, it is a relief that the appointment is over. Yeah, hopefully I do finally get to trust and can be open to her, especially since I have only got 10 appointments per year that I can get.

And not at the current time. I have no full plans in the future right now. So there is nothing to look forward to. The only other possible thing is meeting a friend, who has canceled on me enough times that I originally asked over 2 months ago. So I do not put that high up there to look forward to.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there Jess and James,

Yes, it is a relief that it is over.

No, I have no solid plans in the future apart from that. Therefor I have nothing else to look forward to. The only thing I can think is a plan to see someone who has canceled on me so many times I am not expecting it to happen.

Yeah, I hope that I could see if something else can happen in the meantime. However I have asked other enough times that I am not hopeful. For something just for and by myself I am unsure, most of the things I wish I could do or did to drown out life and have fun are not that enjoyable anymore, but I can look.

Those sound like some nice goals, It would be good to hear you update on them sometime. I would love to hear about it.

Ewww... AD does not sound fun. At the moment I am only on Iron tablets luckily. Although I am guessing I will be on something soon. Feeling the way I and others in this section feel seems to get them a lot.

Yeah, but I was just me being silly and needy. They are dealing with their own things and have their own lives to worry about, I should not get in the road of that. And cool, this temporary crutch will hopefully work well while I am building the network.

I have no plans for tonight or tomorrow, apart from uni. And no my break is already done and I have to wait for a long time till I do not have TAFE 4 days a week... funnnnn.....

PurplOJ

[james1]

I will keep you updated on how I go 🙂

Do you want to share what you are doing with TAFE? I'd love to know more about you and I don't think I saw you mention it before. Obviously okay if you want to keep that to yourself. You said you were 3/4 of the way there...does that mean you finish this year? It'll be exciting to finish.

I think it's a good idea to have a look at stuff to keep yourself busy. For me, I do things even if I dont' find them enjoyable, but they're certainly more enjoyable than getting stuck in my head. For example, I have some old computer games that I still play (think Age of Empires 1 and 2 and Halo 1 on Xbox). I find them super repetitive but it passes the time that I would otherwise be stuck in my head and that's dangerous for me.

So between the "zone out" activities when I'm really drained, and the running I do when I'm less drained, I get by.

Another suggestion I have is when it's sunny, rather than sitting at home, just go sit outside. You don't have to do anything, but I find sitting outside in the sun just... helps. On Saturday, I was walking back home and decided to just sit down on the pavement because I didn't want to go home where it was really cold. People looked at me funny because I was just sitting where nobody would normally sit, but that was okay. Sounds a bit silly now, haha.

Hope your day goes well.

James

[Starwolf]

Hi PurpleOJ,

Apprehension about the appointment is now over...one less thing to worry about. And see...you didn't end up in hospital.

Therapy is a long-drawn process. Though nothing will change instantly, the fact that the journey has begun is a positive.

If waiting becomes too difficult, please keep in mind that you can opt for a more personal approach by calling the 24/7 helpline, or even selecting the "Chat online" section (top right of this page). It could help bridge the gap between now and seeing your friend in a few weeks.

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Wow, last night I must have been really tired. I ended up posting twice.

Sure James, I will. I am in computer engineering, it is an alright course. Working with computers and all that stuff. You just sit at a computer typing away into a box to make things run... And I finish in the middle of next year. I am not excited to finish, because that means that I will have to look at other things to go into, and than have to start something that I do not want to do.

I understand what you mean, getting stuck with only thoughts is not a safe thing. And those sound like some nice games. I have not seen most of those in a very long time.

That sounds like a nice thing to do.

Starwolf,

Yeah, I am surprised that I am still here. I would expect myself to have gone to hospital by now.

Yeah, hopefully it is not that long. Only being able to go 10 times is not that long...

Those are some good suggestions. I will look into them if need be.

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

Well I feel as if I should write here, I should try and to this at least once a day however I am hopeless at remembering and have not felt like I have the capacity to type.

Well for me nothing much has been happening, I have been very tired as of late. And for the last few days I have been drowning out everything trying to do stuff and get through each day. It seems to be working a bit, I managed to not feel like I wanted to leave for 24 hours in a row, so that is good. Given I have had those feelings since, but it was nice to have them less frequently.

I hope that everyone is doing alright, from what I have read in some other topics most things for you people are alright, I hope that I understand it correctly.

Well yeah... hopefully you are all ok, take care...

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Feels like I've been banging my head against the wall all weekend, but otherwise okay, haha.

Nothing much happening is a good way to put it. I think it's an excellent idea to try and type here when you can. At least once a day is great, but don't feel obligated to. I try, but when I can't remember anything (often) or don't want to talk about anything (also often), I try to type on other people's threads.

Good work for keeping up the posting 🙂

One of my friends did a lot of programming and once sent me a file he made as a prank...it restarted my computer when I double clicked it...and then looped. That was annoying.

Is that the area you want to get into for work?

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James,

That does not sound like an enjoyable weekend, I hope that things get better for you. And is that a picture of you up in the snow? It looks like you probably had a decent amount of fun being up there.

That sounds like an interesting prank. I never understood such programmes, and I think the only one I remember like that was back in school someone made something to constantly open disk trays. So every time you closed your disk tray it just opened again.

Yeah, that is what I am currently looking to get into. It is an interesting field, and has a lot of pathways depending on what you want to go down. And the money is good in that field, so that is good. And that depends if I continue down this path. The thing I really want to be able to one day be in is Teaching... however I do not know how I could go on being considered as a bad person around children (Given people already call me that, and it already hurts a lot with that amount). Yeah...

And what are you in or working to get into James, I do not know if you have said. I am sorry if you have, I am just to tired to remember.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Yeah it's a photo of me in Switzerland about 4 years ago. I've got a friend who lives in Como and we went bobsledding. I even managed to come off my sled once when I flew off the track and had to run after my run-away sled!

Oh disk trays would be so irritating. Haha. I don't know how they do it, but it's super annoying.

Hmm... that's two very different areas teaching and computer engineering. Sounds like you'd enjoy the teaching more? What ages would you be looking at? I have a friend who did high school teaching in uni, but decided they wanted to go into primary, then ended up in preschool, haha. Or would you even consider uni teaching? I honestly don't know why people say that about you. You sound like a lovely person to me. Probably best not to pay attention to them.

No worries. Half the time I don't even remember what I did the day before. I'm working at a bank at the moment but hopefully will leave that in about 1-2 years time and change career paths completely. For now I need the security and money, but I've decided it's not for me 😉 No idea what I'll go into later. Maybe back at uni, maybe something in government, or maybe go work in a charity.

Have you got much on today?

James

[PurplOJ]

(WARNING: This post gets very dark, and contains things that may not be pleasant to read. It contains subjects such as (But not limited to): Sexual abuse. You have been warned.)

Hey there James,

I apologise for not messaging earlier, I have not bee online to read what you said.

That sounds like an enjoyable trip. I do hope that you were not hurt much during the accident.

The disk tray was alright, since you could stop the programme when you restarted the computer or through task manager.

Yeah I would greatly enjoy teaching a lot more, I probably would want to go into primary school. I always enjoyed my teachers back than. High school teachers were not that fun, or nice (well some were, just very few of them). People say these things because it is me. I have never understood them, it is just how everyone around me acts. There are very few people who do not refer to me like that, It always hurts the most when the closest ones to you say it. I have had people I use to call friends say things in front of me like "Imagine 'My name' as a teacher" "I would not even want to imagine that". And its just a horrible act, I despise anyone who considers doing something like that. It is such horrible things. For someone to ruin a childhood, for them to take a being so innocent through such a process is horrible. And for them to call me the one thing I cannot become.... I would never put anyone through what I went through, because it lasts forever. Not just the actions, the aftermath of it all. Court cases, trials, not even understanding what is happening. Nobody should have to go through that... and I sure as hell will not put someone there myself...

...I think I got a bit dark there for a bit, and I apologise. I try not to do that often, I was just a bit emotional.... HeHeHe..... I will put something up the top to warn people. I really should not get too dark, it's not a good thing, I try to make sure I do not snap like that most of the time.

Ah nice, a bank sounds interesting. Hopefully you find what you wish to do, you have got that said 1-2 years to decide. And hey, if you do not like it you can go back into uni and try again.

And I had uni today, however was not feeling up to it so I stayed home. My mother was not happy at me in the slightest, so that was not fun.

I hope you had a decent day.

PurplOJ