New and not sure what to do

[Pysis]

Hi um I've never done anything like this so please tell me if I need to do something differnt

I'm a 18 year old male and I've been depressed for the passed 7 months or so it all started when I had to put my horse down when hiss throat closed over it was very traumatic for me and he was the second horse I'd put down in a period of three months. Then my friend was having issues with work so I was trying to support her and be there for her just checking in on her and making sure she was ok she was suffering bulling really badly in the work place. While I was trying to be there for her I got very sick with a stomach bug and was sick for over a month I lost 17kg over that period of time and ended up in hospital 3 times for a period of over a week while I was in hospital I was still helping my friend. Once I got out of hospital my friend was really strugling so I made an extra effort to help her and that's when I got really bad myself. I stated to remember repressed memories from my childhood of things my obusive father had done and stuff from me being at school and being severely bullied. up until 2 weeks ago I was coping alright but then my boss made me work on a puppet show that she was making and I wasn't getting paid for it it has been a difficult situation becuase she is also a friend and she has no idea that I have been struggling with my mental health at all. I have ended up feeling very used by my boss as I put in 7 days free work for her and missed out on seeing my grandparents who kind of replaced my dad in someways growing up and she had my camera for over a month. She has slowly demanded more from me as time has gone on and I ended up having to preform in front of people which I wasn't really up for and the whole situation has cuased me to end up where I was before in terms of my depression. I don't know why but when I get really depressed like I am I have panic attacks and end up messaging my friend who is the only person I've ever been able to talk to. She has a new job now though and is working all the time and me messaging her is causing her stress and I don't want to do that to her and she also has kids that's she's trying to be there for. I don't know how to stop myself messaging her when I have my panic attacks becuase at the moment it's the only thing that helps it makes me feel like I'm not alone. I guess what I want to ask is dose anyone have any suggestions as to what to do I'm in a remote town so getting proffesonal help is difficult.

[startingnew]

hopefully your cleaning lady goes soon then you can go to the creek. it sounds like its something you need to do. to settle down and sort out your thoughts. clear the fog abit.

i know this is all really hard for you and its overwhelming but you will get through it even if it doesnt feel like it right now

[Pysis]

Thanks star

yeah I know I will but I'm just over everything you know?

[startingnew]

i know Nath, i really know

[Pysis]

Why can't things just be easy for a change?

everyone on here is so nice all of them have been through hell and I know so many horrible people that have just had it easy why do the good people all ways get the raw deal?

[startingnew]

i dont think there will ever be a real answer to that unfortunalty. its just the way life seems to work.

ive often been told that we are given the life we have becasue we are strong enough to live it.

that theres an opportunity to learn from in every experience good or bad.

we can often learn from the hardest challanges, but thats what makes us the good people. because these are the people who have known hardships and have been able to live through it

[swtpotato]

Hi Nath,

I understand feeling that way about yourself, always feels like there's nothing you can do to stop it. You don't have to fight it all the time, I think sometimes it is good to just let it hit you and ride it out.

In these moments I try to recognise two different parts of me - the one that's abusing me and the one that can shout over the top of it. I let it happen but I try to be some comfort to myself at the same time, we go through a lot after all. It's like imagining the depression as this external thing that you are protecting yourself from. It helps a little sometimes, and that can be enough. Hope this makes sense.

I agree with startingnew - I don't understand why things are so unequal. It's a mess. It makes me so angry and frustrated. People who have gone through things like this can recognise it in others, they know how bad it can get, they have had to face the emptiness of the world and come out wanting to prevent it happening with others. Other people are just oblivious to a lot of it I think, intentionally or not.

I am here to support you, though I know how much better it is to have it in person. Look after yourself.

Em

[Pysis]

Yeah I was brought up a catholic so I was told my entire childhood that Jesus punishes us becuase we sin and becuase he loves us, as i grow older so around 10 or 11 I questioned that whole way of thinking and came to the conclusion that everything happens in life not becuase of Jesus but becuase of fate everything happens for a reason and we will all end up where we are meant to be but we can chose which paths we chose, but recently I've been questioning that again. This is going to sound really weird right but I've had heaps of people call me a sensate person and they reckon I'm kind of like physic I don't know weather I believe that but I know that my instincts tend to be very strong I've had really wierd situations and I get theses gut feelings sometimes months before things happen that something is going to happen and it always dose. So now I'm questioning weather we really even have a choice with anything we do is it going to happen no matter what? I've never talked to anyone really about this other than Sara and she has always told me to trust my gut but right now my gut is telling me that there is somthing really wrong with her situation and I don't know what to do about it it sounds stupid but it's how I feel and I don't know how to change that. And of course I can't tell a phycologist about this becuase they will think I'm totally crazy all though I have talked to my online counselor about it and she thinks that I just have really good instincts and I'm probably right.

I don't know how to feel about it anymore. What's your take on it star?

[Pysis]

Hi em

thanks for being here for me it means a lot ( same to you too star).

yeah I know it just gets to a point sometimes when you are just tierd and empty. Yeah that helps a little thanks.

the thing that I'm finding really hard is my entire life I've been thought that I have to be this big though emotionless guy and I'm not allowed to cry or acknowledged my own emotions and now I'm trying to do the opposite so it's all very over whelbming the thing is if I wanted to I could shut down all my emotions and just go numb and ignore everything but I don't want to do that again I lived like that for years and I ended up being a very angry kind of person. I've always been more emotional than other men and I've always been shamed for that and told to rub some dirt I it or take a tea spoon of concrete and harden up. I've always questioned everything and it's gotten me into a lot of trouble over the years especially in a chatholic family but it's who I am I think I make my own decisions and I don't always take the rout set out before me if I think there another way. Some time I wish the country could have the city attitude towards emotions and stuff but still be the same if that makes sense?

i do understand why we go through it all its not fair but it dose make us better people over all, it's just hard getting through it. I know myself that I tend to be very protective of people becuase I didn't have anyone to protect me when I needed it.

thanks again em

Nath

[swtpotato]

Hi Nath,

That's really interesting what you said about being able to sense things before they happen. I think some people are just naturally more attuned to what's going on around them, and that can show up in gut instincts. I think trust yourself, but also try not to be too carried away in your emotions. You know where they can take you sometimes.

I've thought a lot about if we have a choice or not things will just happen the way they are supposed to anyway. This bothered me for a while. It is called 'deterministic' view of the world - where there is cause - effect - effect - effect and so on. Then I read something about how there is a space between the cause - effect, where you get to decide how you react to it. When this was really confusing me I focused on how I make small justified choices everyday. Like I would narrate myself to overpower the negativity like - "ok I am going to get in the shower because I like the experience and I like being clean. Ok good job for doing that now I will wear these clothes because I like how it makes me feel. Ok I will go and talk to this particular person because I care about them and enjoy their company...and so on. It sounds silly but it helped me notice that there is meaning behind every thing we do, and we are in charge of how we react and perceive things, even if we are not in control of the situation itself.

I understand what you mean by suddenly trying to validate your own emotions - it is a confusing and overwhelming experience. It makes you realise how much depth and complexity you have as a human being. It sounds like you stick to who you are, I admire that. Keep doing it, you get to decide how to deal with your emotions, they don't know what they are missing.

Have you heard about the concept of a 'highly sensitive person'? I read about it the other day, it really helped me understand myself and maybe it will help you understand a bit more too. Do you feel like you take in/sense more/get overwhelmed easily by your environment and others emotions?

A bit long again I tend to ramble haha, but hope it helps.

Em

[Pysis]

Hi em

yeah it's been something really confusing for me over the years I have always been able to tell an animal is sick by just looking at it, I never used to trust it though I just thought how the hell could I know that but I was always right. And like the night all of my chickens and ducks got taken I went down to lock them up and I just had this absoultly masive kind of flush of fear come over me and I knew something bad was going to happen sure enough I woke up to al my dead chickens and ducks and then there are the really wierd ones like I'll have a dream somthings going to happen and then it happens in real life if that makes sense it's weird I know and I don't really understand it but it happens. And that's the thing with my friend at the moment I have this horible feeling somethings really wrong and have sinse she took this job so I've had this feeling for about 5 months or so now and I found out just a couple weeks her husband is acusing her of cheating on him and constantly helping at her over this job and now it's almost like he's punishing her he went to the snow with their kids the other day and made her stay home and he went to a meeting last night that she always goes to and made her stay home and it's almost like my feelings are starting to make sense and it's really confusing.

yeah that's the concept I've had for years now I picked that concept up when I was about 10 or 11 that we have a destiny and we will get there but we have choices about the path we make to get there if that makes sense?

yeah it's really hard I've gone from never being able to talk about my feelings to kind of being alowwed to talk about them and it was my friend Sara that firt allowed me to do that but it's still confusing trying to navigate everything.

i haven't exactly hear of that but I've heard something similar. For me it feels like all my senses are heightened compared to others I have really sensitive hearing and wel, all my other senses and I can always tell exactly how someone is feeling even from their writing and yeah I get over welded by it a lot I used to get sever migraines from my noise sensitivities.

thanks em

Nath